Circles.

 

And even though sometimes I can't help but feel as if I'm standing still, I know that I'm standing further towards who I want to be than who I once was. And that's not always a bad thing.

Sometimes...

Today was the first day in long time that didn't have "major suckfest" written all over it. Maybe it was because Jehova Jr. blessed me over a can of diet Pepsi and chips over lunch or maybe it's because I rocked out on my bio test (79, baby!) Who knows? But I hope it lasts.

Sometimes, when things get crappy (read the last, like, million entries) I have these moments of lucidity in which I realize it's not always going to be this bad. When I understand that this is only one grain of sand on the entire beach. This too shall pass. No?

It sometimes takes a moment to take a step back and look at yourself that triggers an onsent of absolute clarity you longed for during those times of depression. Today, driving home from school, I took the back roads. I passed a lake (a reservoir, whatever...I'm not in Ruraltown, USA) and the sun was shining (I sometimes forget it exists) and colors of red, orange and yellow blended where green used to lay. (That last part was taken from a poem I wrote last year around this time. Alright, enough with the commentary.) Anyhow, I smiled as I drove up and down the windy hills, the sun warming my frozen core, driving out the remains of a shitty week. I'm ready to start over, again.

I smell rebirth!

...See how extreme I can be?...

But I must remind myself, in these moments of lucidity, that even though the sun is shining, it doesn't always mean it's warm.

Start your day off the holy way!

Nothing like a doorbell ringing to start your day, I thought to myself as I threw on my bathrobe and trudged to the door.

I thought too soon.

It was a Jehova's Witness. He didn't need to tell me. I spied by my little atheistic eyes a bible under his right arm. But that wasn't the dead giveaway, I still would've known this minion had he been without his holy book. The blue blazer with gold cufflinks and buttons. I know you. You do not come to my door dressed like that unless you are looking for a fight. Especially this early in the morning. Shouldn't you still be in your pajamas praying by your bedside for all the food in your belly? No? Well howabout praying that you get off my stoop alive.

"Good Morning, Miss." Starts his speech, "Glorious day, no?"

I cross my arms and begin resting comfortably to one side. This is going to be a long morning. I nod, unimpressed, as if silently saying to continue on with your contagious religious spew about how I need to accept Christ as my personal savior.

"Do you go to church, miss?"

"For weddings and funerals...well, I guess those two are pretty much the same thing, nowadays." (I haven't accepted marriage as my personal savior, either.)

He sneered at me. And continued right along with his 'join our cult' speech. He talked for about five minutes straight when a gurgling, empty stomach began begging for the breakfast sausages I got two for a dollar yesterday caused him to suddenly stop talking. "Listen," I interrupted him, "You woke me up. You're talking about Jesus, so right off the bat, I don't like you. But I'm hungry. And I don't want to be rude, so if you are so worried about saving my soul all in time for lunch, you are not going to. However, if you are hungry, I will make some breakfast sausages for the both of us. What do you say?"

He stood there, thoughtfully for a moment. "While that offer is extremely tempting," He paused and rubbed his belly, "I must be off. I have more houses to visit and souls to save."

"God Speed." I bid him off and closed the door behind him.

As I began slow-cooking my breakfast sausages, I watched him as he walked down the street, up the stoops of my neighbors, and got the door slammed in his face repeatedly. He should've known better than to come down Agnostic Lane. I felt sorry for him and promised myself that I would never get into the retail business. I hear the commission sucks.

Invite 'em in for breakfast!

I am frozen.

 

The days are getting shorter but I can't help but feel as if they are getting longer and longer. It's 7:00 and already I find myself amid darkness.

I feel I'm becoming too aware, of everything. There's that thin line between knowing and not knowing and sometimes I wish I just didn't know.

Recently I have realized that people I have cared for in the past are no longer seated on their pedastals in which I was so insistant on putting them on. I can't say I don't love them, or that I don't care, I certainly do, though that is my demise.

There's a cold front seeping in, rearing its frigid head with morning frosts and temperatures of 40 degrees. I have never felt so cold.

Let me be.

Discover me.

 

"Undiscovered" -Ashlee Simpson

Take it back, take it all back now
The things i gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than i do
All the reasons i gave, excuses i made for you
I'm broken in two

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

Don't walk away

Touch me now how i wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz im so in love with what we were
Im not breathing im suffocating without you
Do you feel it too

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

When im in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
Its then i know my heart is whole
Theres a million reasons why i cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Because I dont want to be alone

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you

Cuz i cant fake and I cant hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all i need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, im without
I'm crossed out
I can't doubt
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
Don't walk away

Time.

Sometimes the only solitude I can find is sitting in front of the tv, unshowered, in my bathrobe.

This is my update.

I have never been so thrilled to see the overrated acronym T.G.I.F. Not even when it meant a night of all new episodes of Full House and Family Matters.

It's the end to a very stressful and confusing week. Hopefully it ends there and doesn't follow me well into next week, (which by the way is ALREADY the halfway point through the semester!)

I have been up since 7 a.m. this morning getting tutored in bio, as well as taking tests, handing in essays, meeting cute boys, conducting scientific experiements, having internal conflicts, going to the gym (and, ironically, meeting a man who goes by the name of Jim, but its spelled Gym. Ah, how cruel, I mean clever, his parents were.) So now I'm waiting to go out to eat with the fam. I'm sure that'll be loads of fun.

I just realized how run-of-the-mill this entry is.

I don't like it.