We are prose.

emotions are spinning the negative winning insecurities weaving and i am believing.

Toyotally traveled and unraveled.

I don't know what is more exciting, the fact that I have a moment to myself (and am actually using it to blog) or that I remember my login info. Either way, score! Recently, I was reading my O mag and came across a Toyota ad. Actually I turned the page and thought I was still reading an article from O, since the content of the page was weighty and reflective and asserts that our attitude is what makes the journey worthwhile (wait, it's not the Camry?)The big wigs over at Toyota think I need to journal more so they gave me a list of questions and are eagerly and unknowingly awaiting my responses. I am to start writing about where my life is at this moment. About my life, work and relationships. Am I where I want to be? Absolutely I am where I want to be. Right now, in this chair, with my blankets and my cats, yes, yes, yes. Right now, with my toddler asleep (THANK GOD) in the other room, in his big room in our new house that was my grandparents house. This is where my life is, now, and where it was, then, growing up. How lucky is that? A home that was always home is now our home. It's a beautiful, comfy, cozy little life that I thank my husband often for helping me create. Create. Many hours of my stay at home mom (SAHM) life have been spent creating via crafting. Right after Maxwell was born I randomly started affixing vintage buttons onto bobby pins and doing craft shows. What a fun little journey and a very interesting avenue to be rolling down. Not only is it totally conducive to my very free-spirited, noncommittal attitude toward "work," but I have met great people, learned lots and seen some cool shit along the way. A few crafter gals and myself have also started our own craft show, starting this weekend! I'm totally enthralled with all of the planning and soliciting vendors and chatting with people about the importance of shopping local and about libraries (where we will hold our series of shows). I think this is probably one of those rare occasions where doing work doesn't feel like work. It's fun and a great outlet to get me out of mom-mode for a few minutes a day. Toyota is now asking me what my ideal life looks like. My guess is they want me to compare it to my statements above and in all honesty, it doesn't look much different. Sure, the rest of the siding on my house would be up, and the attic insulated…but the basics (husband, kiddo, cats) are all I need. If we are talking wants though…"Write about what makes you truly happy and the possibilities for your future." What TRULY makes me happy…and makes my heart sing unlike much else I have experienced is TRAVEL. Abroad is always my top choice but I will settle for pretty much anywhere. The last six years (save a trip to Canada) has been pretty much spent on American soil since the previous years had been spent elsewhere. I am grateful everyday I have seen cobblestone roads (in heels) of Switzerland, and windy roads with an Alp or two imposing a jagged skyline. I cherish that day I ventured by bus, to a chairlift that placed me atop the Alps only to take a train ride back down and catching a boat at the bottom. That day I witnessed all season in a day. Snowcapped peaks to melty waterfalls to a sunny cruise along the coast of Lucerne. I am thankful for the food in Italy and my god I know what you are thinking, it's not all about the food but I am here to tell you that the food is fucking great. But beyond that, I hold in my heart the times I spent with Travis in Italy. He bought me a beautiful pearl engagement ring in Milan. We wandered down narrow streets, aimlessly, slowly, hand in hand. There was simply nowhere else to be but there. Together. If I close my eyes, I can feel the warmth in my chest and in my cheeks of the syrupy-sweet Limoncello that we sipped outside of a cafe. The wrought iron table and chairs were wobbly but who gives a shit when you are sitting under quaint lampposts and your view is of an incredible cathedral. I close my eyes and see strings of lights decorating the outdoor tables, the beautiful foreigners drinking their vino and chatting and picking at delicious slabs of buffalo mozzarella and delicate slices of prosciutto. Church bells ring and everything in this country is purely magical. The tall, unencumbered grass of Giant's Causeway, the pattern and the folklore that lives within the rock and the Cliffs of Moher, words simply fall short. An experience that changes you and you aren't really sure how just that it has. Somehow. I'm in Ireland (in my mind) now. Dozens of bus trips to various spots along the east coast, with friends, with Travis. A goddamned Guinness. Places that aren't truly home, but feels like it for a while. That's what I love about travel. I could go into great detail of my love of Scotland and it's abandoned castles and its frigidly bitter winds. I could recount the tale of one of the longest and most memorable nights of my life in Barcelona, but I feel I've done so before. But what I keep meditating on, recently anyhow, is strolling along the canal in Amsterdam and soaking in the charming home fronts we've passed. Many are apartments, like brownstones, or very narrow and tall with a stoop. Some are ground level with a big picture window. I would wonder what it looked like inside or who lived there. Some had colorful doors, some had flower boxes, some had a cat, many had a bike or two chained up outside. What was daily life like for an Amsterdamian? Now that I've more than elaborated on what gives me the greatest joy, Toyota says I need to meditate on my hopes for the future. I hope to travel. Duh. I'm urged now to create an 'attitude of gratitude' and this not the first (or last if I continue reading O) time I've heard/read this notion. I must admit I have an extremely hard time with remaining focused on the positive when shit hits the fan. And as a regular spaz, shit hits the fan often. My focus innately (I've come to believe) shifts to the negative and quickly spirals into doom. I no longer wonder WHY ME! WHY DO I GIVE FUCKS?! because I now know this is how I am. Not WHO I am, but simply my go-to method of dealing or not dealing with whatever crud is happening. My graciousness factor is nil for the most part. I'm cynical and angry and resentful in general, which can be incredibly tiring and which is why little writing exercises and meditations such as this can help me keep my misanthropic nature at bay. For like, a day. I am urged to take stock and to look how far I've come. Thanks, Toyota. No, really.