Peace!

I'm going to try out my other blog for awhile. You can find it here: http://myeggie.blogspot.com/

a short blurt.

Yo yo yo! Sup bloggie?

2 weeks from today. Wowza. Feels like just yesterday we were strolling along in the park on a Sunday afternoon in Dublin...But alas, time has flown from January 27th 2008 to just weeks away from our big day. I'm freaking out man! Luckily we decided to honeymoon to calm the fuck down. I am ready for it all to be over and to be Mrs. Elongated-Hyphenated Last Name.

In AA they say your first few months you're on a "pink cloud." And I was, undoubtedly. I was blissfully happy and enjoying sobriety. Don't get me wrong, I'm still enjoying my sobriety but MAN am I irritable! One of the old-timers told me to get a "pink parachute"...Although I must admit how grateful I was on Friday night at 11 waiting for the meeting outside, when a taxi drove by with a few drunkies in the back...they waved their hands and stuck their heads out the window and yelled "You're sober!" And I said back, "Hell yeah I am!" Word.

Other than that, I've been trying to deal with the hot mess that is my mom. Mental illness is no fun, especially untreated, and especially when she's not acknowledging the upcoming wedding. I don't have to drink over that today. Today I can soberly learn to accept the things I cannot change. Or at least try to. Last night I found myself grieving over my mother. No, she's not dead, but she sure isn't the Mom she used to be. We used to be buddies. She used to read me stories, not make them up and believe 'em to be true. It seems I'm the only one in the fam who cares enough to try to get her help. But I am slowly beginning to become enraged with them. I am the youngest and have a lot on my plate at the moment. Staying sober, a wedding, court...why should I have to drive my mother to the ER under false pretenses? My fragile state of mind can not handle that at the moment. But I'm sure if I don't step up to the plate, no one else will. The glue stands alone.

Alright. My laundry is ready. 'Tis all for now.

one day at a time.

Hey there Eggie, I've been thinking about you!

I'm very grateful to have 72 days sober today. That said, let me give some updates. The wedding is T-minus 15 days away, or something like that. And we FINALLY decided on a honeymoon destination! Seattle, here we come! We were going to wait but figured there's no way we can miss out on this one time only honeymoon opportunity.

Despite the usual trials and tribulations, I am keeping my head about water today...and with a smile. None of the world's bullshit is worth me drinking over. I've got a great man whose stuck beside me through it all and I KNOW he LOVES me, just as I LOVE him. Best friends, companions, soon to be husband and wife. His family has doubts and I can't change their minds, but I can prove them wrong.

Wish I had a little more time to chat, but alas, I have to go meet a good friend who just got back from Alaska.

Peace!

poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.

Jolly ho! That's a fun greeting that starts with the letter 'J'---Travis used it in a game of Scattegories recently and I thought it was quite nifty. Plus we went to the Renaissance Festival for his birthday last week and it seems like something you'd hear there. 'Tis, 'tis.

Things are going ok at the moment. I'm finding sober life to be a breath of fresh air. I spent 5 years underwater (or under-alcohol) and now I can breathe again. On the topic of math and how long things have been goin' on, I've spent nearly half of my life wishing I wouldn't have a life to live. But today, I'm happy to be alive. I've found my sense of belonging...months ago I'd tell you the same thing, as I sat haphazardly on my barstool, hanging out with those others who drink alone at two in the afternoon. But today, only for today, I can say that I found my sense of belonging in AA. Here are folks I can relate with. Here are folks that know what it's like. Here, here!

The wedding rapidly approaches! Invites are sent, and we are anxiously awaiting RSVPs! I am looking so much forward to the next step. I know it's not all going to be peaches n' cream, but I'm glad to know there's an amazing someone to stand beside me, and myself beside him, when shit hits the fan. Perhaps that'll be my vow :)

I must go satiate this rumbling in my tummy. 'Tis is all for now. Stick around, we'll be right back...

Ok. So here's my June post, late. Alright, let's just call it what it is. A July post.

June for me was spent in rehab in West Palm Beach, FL. It was remarkable. Not only did I come back sober, but with a killer tan. Oh, and with many many friends that I hope to keep in touch with always.

I'm not sure I feel like elaborating, or writing anymore...my motivation is still non-existent and my depression is still ever-present. Only now, no longer self-medicated.

I'll be around. More likely, at an AA meeting.

Fiddle-y Diddle-y Dee.

I'm looking for the bright side here and it's not looking so bright.

The other day I help my grammy clean out her attic, my favorite past-time ever...organizing, going through old family heirlooms....getting to take anything home i want! YAY! I worked my butt off and it felt good. We had lots of bonding time and sharing of memories, priceless.

I don't know if you know this, but I haven't had a job in 6 months now. Depression and anxiety and pernicious anemia and endometriosis and circumstances have taken their toll...luckily my rent is dirt cheap and I still have a pretty steady income that includes eBay, garage sales and my life savings. Too bad other people don't consider it to be a "real" job. But my opinion is, I'm paying my bills SO FUCK EM!

This weekend is going to be stressful. There's not enough Xanax in the world to make me get through 3 whole days of nothing but my in-laws. Sure, I'm proud of Travis graduating, but I don't need to sit through the whole 4 hour ceremonious bullshit. I skipped my own. He's only going because his mommy is making him and we are both miserable about it. Ooh and on top of that I get to choose which parent to sit with...his mom who makes my hair turn gray just thinking about her...or his dad who I told better at least sneak in a flask for us. And a bridal shower in the mix for my future sis-in-law and birthday din din for his mom...hopefully somewhere in the next 72 hours I find time to make a goddamn potato salad and cheesecake for another family get together. GARRR. It'd be different if we all got along...

I guess the bright side is that I don't have to see my family this weekend. My mom and all her lies and bullshit and my brother with his penchant for womanizing and declaring bankruptcy and having houses foreclosing....not to mention my ongoing sibling rivalry with my tempermental sis and a dad whom I adore but fear so much for his health.

I feel like there's no way out.

doldrums.

It's hard to keep up with this thing when I don't have the convenience of internet at home. Can't believe it's May already...it's been one year since we returned from the Land of Ire, I'll be turning 24, and taking the plunge in less than four months. There's already WAY TOO MUCH wedding stuff going on. I'm not just talking about mine, because in the meantime Travis and I have to get readay for his sisters' wedding July 4th weekend.
We've both really considered eloping at this point. There is just too much stress involved with us and our families right now that it's getting very hard to breathe, so to speak. My mom's mental condition is worsening, and I know I cannot blame her for it but I fear what shit might hit the fan on my big day. Will she throw another misguided fit? Spew a bunch of lies in front of my new family? The sheer thought is too much to handle, but my hands are tied. I cannot force her to take medicine.
And on his side, I have hard time trying not to blame my soon-to-be-mother-in-law, because she has no mental illness. Just a penchant for being extremely tightly-wound, nosey, and rude to Travis...which I find odd, because in my experience I've found moms that love their sons a little too much...anyway. The problem lies that our wedding is not until September and it's in the backyard of the house we rent from his parents. Oh, and Travis is graduating in a week. So we could've been getting ready to make the move...and now, I guess we're just getting ready to try and stay still just a little longer.

The question is: to move or not to move? I've visualized the pro & con list a dozen times in the last month...pro: not living near our moms. con: not living near our dads. pro: a fresh new start. con: the shitfest that is moving. Well, I guess I can't decide on how far I'm comfortable moving. He's looking in Arkansas and Oregon, NYC and hopefully not D.C. I want to get away, but I'm flipping terrified.

*biiiggg looonnnnggg ssssiiiigggghhhhh*

plus I've been avoiding updating because no noose is good noose, right?

I love the springtime so much. The little yellow dots of dandelions in the newly thickening grass. Birds chirping their lovely little songs, unsettling my little felines to no end. But I love it. Promise of anew.

My little cousin was born right on the beginning of spring, and I could not want a child more. How frightening. But elating.

Other than slowly planning a wedding as frugally as possible...and e-Baying my little heart out, I've been roaming through these last few months with my wits not about me, so to say. My mind is elsewhere, though I couldn't even say where. A distraction of sorts. Maybe it's trying to look for something good in all of this. I need a change but I don't know what. And change is inevitable now that Travis is graduating (Yay!) and is looking for paid internships elsewhere...and I will happily accompany him.
I can't deal with this Upstate NY stuff any longer, and anyone who is from here knows exactly what I'm talking about. Lake effect this and 6-12" that, (and not in the good way). Bitter cold and frozen snot and scraping off an SUV that is far bigger than I...no thank you. I hear the more south I go, the bigger the bugs get. But you know, I'm starting to not really, uh be totally f-ing petrified of those friggin creepy crawlies ahhhhhhhh.....

Sorry. Where was I. Apparently somewhere more south of here.

Recent events haven't helped the situation. Awhile back, Travis and I had a 'falling out' of sorts with two of our close friends and we've been trying to figure out the best way to deal with the situation. I tried the whole Oasis 'Don't Look Back in Anger' thing but I don't know. It's not so easy to forgive and forget when four months pass and not one call is returned.
So, we tried to give it another shot. That is Erin and myself. We set up a Scrabble date, one of our fave past-times, and I was hoping to clear the air and talk about (as Jimmy Fallon as Barry Gibb would say) "real important issues". But we never quite got to that. I suddenly found myself lost for words when I thought I had it all figured out. We chatted about everything else and that was it. I guess all I really wanted to know was if it's over or not. Can we really go back to those days of drinking beers and playing games when there has been this interruption, this falling out...but maybe it's the way it supposed to be.

After she left, I immediately called Gina my fabulous lady friend and told her that I'm glad she's my friend because I can tell her anything. ANYTHING. I don't believe there is anyone I've ever been more candid with than her---whether it's talking about extraordinarily personal topics, having long talks while we pee, or just being a fellow fag hag...

That's about all I have patience to write at the moment. Sorry about the absenteeism. We're too cheap to get internet at home so I must stick to libraries and free wifi and using relatives computers.

I can't wait for the delicious pot roast my bro is making for dinner! Followed by some pitch or possibly some Scattergories (my fave!) or Sequence...we'll see.

peace!

and another thing!

Oops, I almost forgot. Check out travisandmarissa.blogspot.com for wedding stuffs!

And a little video of a certain little cat playing her favorite game...

a brain fart

No, I didn't forget about this space reserved just for me in Cyber-land, I've simply failed to update all those times I reminded myself to. I'm actually quite busy on the cellular level.

Busy indeed, planning a wedding in 230 days. And I can't believe it's almost been one year to the date that we even got engaged in the first place. I think it's actually given me too much time to plan. I am ready! I'm not sure I can wait any longer!

Our little kitties keep us busy too---especially the little one, Prudence aka Copycat, because she's that typical little sis always following in the much larger footprints of her big bro, Mayfield. Albeit he doesn't venture around as much as his curious companion, he prefers to plop down on his side about ten seconds after entering the room/changing sleeping positions/playing. It seems the only time he's energetic is when we're trying to sleep and he's trying to capture whatever it is that's moving under the blankets. Prudence, however, is always ready to play....especially fetch. Now, we're not sure where she learned this amazing little trick or if she's just confused about what kind of domesticated animal she is. She's also the most vocal little lady I've ever heard. Whether she's hungry, lost her ball or trying to grab Mr. Mayfield's attention, she'll let you know all about it.

Other than that, I've been trying to motivate myself to get out more, but the subzero temperatures are not helping! Part of it is that I actually like being alone and having alone time. I find it very peaceful to just sit and read a magazine in my own space. Or play guitar. It's going to be hard to leave the apartment we're in, even though it's a mixed bag...good things v bad things. Good being the cheap rent, the amazing amount of space, the only place I've known as home other than my parents' house. The bad being the geographic location (the scenic yet torrential Paris Hill, where you can experience the harshest of all elements in a day), the outdated electricity, the basic falling apart-edness of the house. Oh, and one more to tip the scale...just found out that my downstairs neighbor is a two-time, checked-the-facts-out-online, sex offender. *Sigh*

Okay, on that topic...I realize that perhaps there were extenuating circumstances that led this guy to get charged, albeit if he's guilty or not. But the fact is, it makes me uncomfortable and I already felt like he was a seedy character, even just based on looks alone. Not gon' lie. I judged a book by it's cover and I feel that familywatchdog.us justified my convictions. But the problem here is that you can't discriminate. He's married now and that was 8 short years ago. So what if I don't like that the only song he plays on the electric guitar is Carry on My Wayward Son by Kansas, he pays his rent on time so we're stuck with him, rapist or not.

Anyhoo, that is my update for the time being. Happy new year!