Fiddle-y Diddle-y Dee.

I'm looking for the bright side here and it's not looking so bright.

The other day I help my grammy clean out her attic, my favorite past-time ever...organizing, going through old family heirlooms....getting to take anything home i want! YAY! I worked my butt off and it felt good. We had lots of bonding time and sharing of memories, priceless.

I don't know if you know this, but I haven't had a job in 6 months now. Depression and anxiety and pernicious anemia and endometriosis and circumstances have taken their toll...luckily my rent is dirt cheap and I still have a pretty steady income that includes eBay, garage sales and my life savings. Too bad other people don't consider it to be a "real" job. But my opinion is, I'm paying my bills SO FUCK EM!

This weekend is going to be stressful. There's not enough Xanax in the world to make me get through 3 whole days of nothing but my in-laws. Sure, I'm proud of Travis graduating, but I don't need to sit through the whole 4 hour ceremonious bullshit. I skipped my own. He's only going because his mommy is making him and we are both miserable about it. Ooh and on top of that I get to choose which parent to sit with...his mom who makes my hair turn gray just thinking about her...or his dad who I told better at least sneak in a flask for us. And a bridal shower in the mix for my future sis-in-law and birthday din din for his mom...hopefully somewhere in the next 72 hours I find time to make a goddamn potato salad and cheesecake for another family get together. GARRR. It'd be different if we all got along...

I guess the bright side is that I don't have to see my family this weekend. My mom and all her lies and bullshit and my brother with his penchant for womanizing and declaring bankruptcy and having houses foreclosing....not to mention my ongoing sibling rivalry with my tempermental sis and a dad whom I adore but fear so much for his health.

I feel like there's no way out.

doldrums.

It's hard to keep up with this thing when I don't have the convenience of internet at home. Can't believe it's May already...it's been one year since we returned from the Land of Ire, I'll be turning 24, and taking the plunge in less than four months. There's already WAY TOO MUCH wedding stuff going on. I'm not just talking about mine, because in the meantime Travis and I have to get readay for his sisters' wedding July 4th weekend.
We've both really considered eloping at this point. There is just too much stress involved with us and our families right now that it's getting very hard to breathe, so to speak. My mom's mental condition is worsening, and I know I cannot blame her for it but I fear what shit might hit the fan on my big day. Will she throw another misguided fit? Spew a bunch of lies in front of my new family? The sheer thought is too much to handle, but my hands are tied. I cannot force her to take medicine.
And on his side, I have hard time trying not to blame my soon-to-be-mother-in-law, because she has no mental illness. Just a penchant for being extremely tightly-wound, nosey, and rude to Travis...which I find odd, because in my experience I've found moms that love their sons a little too much...anyway. The problem lies that our wedding is not until September and it's in the backyard of the house we rent from his parents. Oh, and Travis is graduating in a week. So we could've been getting ready to make the move...and now, I guess we're just getting ready to try and stay still just a little longer.

The question is: to move or not to move? I've visualized the pro & con list a dozen times in the last month...pro: not living near our moms. con: not living near our dads. pro: a fresh new start. con: the shitfest that is moving. Well, I guess I can't decide on how far I'm comfortable moving. He's looking in Arkansas and Oregon, NYC and hopefully not D.C. I want to get away, but I'm flipping terrified.

*biiiggg looonnnnggg ssssiiiigggghhhhh*

plus I've been avoiding updating because no noose is good noose, right?

I love the springtime so much. The little yellow dots of dandelions in the newly thickening grass. Birds chirping their lovely little songs, unsettling my little felines to no end. But I love it. Promise of anew.

My little cousin was born right on the beginning of spring, and I could not want a child more. How frightening. But elating.