Beverly June Rose Christian

Here's a list of a list of the things I like, this list is a list of things I like...

Really it's a list of the things my Grandma loved.

her 10 children and 15 grandchildren
a cup of coffee after dinner with my grandfather
the Kennedys
current events
letter-writing
Daniel O'Donnell
Monet
poetry
the McCall's Book of Etiquette
ham & potato salad
meeting new people
Chester's Flower Shop
any flowers at all

She's the most beautiful flower to me. Her beauty and her smile are unmatched. Though I know she'd be more than modest, always looking away from the camera...to me, her presence was simply a brilliant sunshine. Warm, radiant, calming and lovely.
I know our relationship has just changed now...I think about her everyday. I have an array of her collection. Some painted wood house cut-outs...the Library, the gazebo and Old Victorian ones I bought her. They sit on my bookshelf, next to McCall's Book of Etiquette and the Life Magazine from when Jackie Kennedy gave a tour of the White House. Next to the Viking Book of Poetry that I placed some fall leaves in, to find next season. Of course in my box of her things, there was also a few beautiful sets of boxed cards...ones with Parisian cafes and waterlilies...all in pretty boxes that decorated her room. My uncle saved every letter she's ever written him. One mentions how much I cried when I was a baby when she, my mom and I went on a drive to Cooperstown. Another reads of how distraught she was to hear of John Lennon's death. She was a mother and a friend, in the truest sense of each. And she was always so happy to see me every time I visited her, and even more elated if I was accompanied by my better half. I miss her presence beyond any of the words within my grasp.

happy mother's day.

wow. i am in awe of things at the moment. of life. of how good it can be when you learn to just let go and live it. when you undo the years of worrying and being angry and feeling as if you're unworthy of what you truly deserve.

today feels like i'm approaching the close of a year and the opening of a whole new chapter. no, i haven't gone completely mad. i do have some concept of time. it's not new years per se, but for me it's drawing nearer and nearer...my first year sober. i am just beyond grateful that i got the help i needed when i did.

in other news, travis and i have perhaps finally made the decision to not relocate. it seems so right for so many reasons, but have found judgement in the eyes of others who are unmarried....."why settle here?"..."don't get sucked in!"...."do NOT own property in Utica, NY"....but of course these words themselves seemed to be doused in "don't you want more for youself?"

the question to me is what more is there? we've found a beautiful love and are settling in to our lives together. we want to invest in us. the house, the kids, the maybe too-typical natural next step. but here we are. and we just know. and you know what? it's simply delightful.

darkives.

it's been a weird day. enjoying the somewhat clear headedness of 10 months without alcohol consuming me. enjoyed seeing my grandma boo; i've always called her that, although I'm not quite sure why. enjoyed seeing old friends today, albeit at a sad time. vicky, robin and al....vicky was my bff for along time, through the junior high-high school awkwardness phases..today, we're adults. her mom laughed as she reminded us of the time we wanted to wear black pants when we were 13, so we went to Grimaldi's. we had a standing tradition on august 31 and dec 19. we kept a journal of all of our 'firsts' together. first fart, first rollercoaster ride, first fireworks, first sleepover of many. her mom would tuck me in at night just like i was one of her own.

so needless to say, i've been feeling nostalgic. not missing the good ol' times, just remembering them with a smile. it's brought us to today. it's made us who we are. and nobody's story is exactly the same. that whole puzzle piece metaphor.

right now i am waiting for my love to get home, so we can be thisclose. and maybe eat some food.

that's all.

nothing's gonna change my world...

Would love to go 'across the universe' right now. Gettin' antsy, or, I've been antsy for a while now. The topic of change came up today between Travis and I...so now I'm inevitably asking myself if people are capable of change? Or the micro-picture here, are we capable of change? We are both unhappy with our current states. For both of is it's a matter of employment. And ambition. And circumstance. And for me, it is also a literal matter of current state. Last night I dreamt of moving to Washington State. Something different. New territories to explore. Just the two of us. Well, the four of us. Can't forget Prudence & Mayfield. Sure it sounds whimsical, but it's not the first time I've slightly considered it. There's nothing holding us back here. We're going to have to move sooner or later, why not 3,000 miles away?

I could see if there was a specific reason to move there, like a job or school, but there really isn't other than some form of escapism. I'm afraid of falling further into a rut. Need a change of scenery, need a change of pace. But none of that will change my face. It will not change who I am or my past, I'm still stuck with me...

What should we be doing? SHOULD is a shitty term. It's just absolutely soaked in false expectations that we somehow put on ourselves. Should we be following our dreams, whatever they may be? Well guess what? My dreams are limited in that aspect. My dreams consist of random moves to different states and countries. To see what life is like somewhere else, although to undoubtedly find at the end, it doesn't matter where you are. There you are.
On the topic of false expectations and this whole 'shoulding' crap, the reality is exactly that. THE REALITY. What is possible exactly at that point in time. Shit happens. Shoulds happen. Life happens. Love happens. Falling apart happens. And then there's everything else that happens while things are happening.

But what is happening right now? A big question mark is happening. On what to do next. What should I do next?