dulldrums

Winter is bringing me down, man. Went and saw trains with Maxwell yesterday and I am getting the travel bug bad. Wanted to hop on, no destination, my thoughts, music, paper and pen. Feeling lost and out of touch, disconnected and uninspired. Bored and scared of turning into mush on these long days spent indoors with a toddler. The inner conflicts make little sense; lonely but desperately wanting to have a moment to myself. A moment of peace, a moment to create that the desire isn't extinguished by a marathon of angst while trying to get the kiddo down for a nap. Too exhausted, too burned out to even get dressed. Feeling feelings that I'm too scared to even write down. Nothing is fun anymore. I don't even think I know how to have fun anymore. The day in and back out and back in in this little town is stifling to me today, although I have found it a source of comfort and home for so long, though off and on. How do moms do it? How did my mom do it? Am I destined to turn into the shell that she is today? Paranoid and angry and unable to love? Jaded, but by what? I'd like to think that sunshine is the answer, and it is, in a way. My sun has set. I need to rise.