Trick or Treat! or Baby!

Oh and what a Happy New Year it is! Our little guy, Max, joined us on Halloween at 11:43 in the a.m. after a mostly uneventful 11 hours of labor. The most 'excitement' was that day...had my now routine sonograms, since I was experiencing intrauterine growth restriction and baby had only gained 2 ounces in 2 weeks. I was scheduled for induction on 11/1/12 at 38w1d. Although my midwife was certain I would not make it! The nursery hadn't even been primed or painted at this point, baby showers gifts and furniture were in a GIANT heap in the living room, most still with tags and packaging. Things had to be bought. And my butt hurt. The next 6 hours were a daze of dozing on and off, while Travis and our buddy painted the nursery and daddy-to-be headed off to work. I slept some more before heading out to Target and Babies R Us for some last minute purchases. Erin and I came home at 10 that night, opened all of the gifts to get them ready for washing, and began to FINALLY set up the nursery. Travis got home at midnight as Erin and I were debating the layout. After a busy evening and aching butt, I laid down at 12:30 and Travis sat on the floor near the bed and we chatted. I knew something felt funny. Wasn't sure if it was nerves or what. Do nerves feel like a gush of water? Apparently so! Travis nervously asked me if I needed anything while I phoned the midwife. He threw me a towel and I told him to go wash the tub. He did and hurried back and told me he had cleaned it before even asking 'Why?' I said "I don't know! You needed something to do!" We hopped in the car and made the late night drive, Travis gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles, me eating the apple that he sliced for me before we left. The next seven hours, I drifted in and out of sleep again, and Travis passed out slumped over in a chair, hood on, head resting on my bed. I woke up to a cat face. She looked familiar. Oh, I had graduated with this cat. And it was Halloween. I hadn't progressed much so the dreadful dose of Pitocin was ordered. The next four hours found me in the WORST PAIN EVER. Every two minutes or so I begged for an Epi and a C-section, both things I swore I didn't want throughout my entire pregnancy. I had to wait until I was at least 4cm dilated before Epi could be administered. Around 11:30 the kitty cat Christina started to set up for it. Around 11:35 I thought my insides were falling out. Around 11:35 I screamed a scream I didn't know I even had in me. She told me it was time. The midwife didn't make it in time. She was across the street at the practice! Three small pushes was all it took. I screamed, not because it hurt, but because I WAS SO SCARED. Travis told me it was a boy, just how I dreamed it. I also dreamt early on that it was a cat...

Maxwell James, 5lbs 9oz, 19.5in long, 10/31/12.

Fall-ing.

Okay, okay. I guess an update is long overdue. No, I haven't forgotten my dear Eggie, I have just been...(insert excuses here). I could fill those ellipses with "busy" or "lazy" or "pregnant." Yes, it's true! Just a few more weeks and we will have a sweet little addition to our family. I'm unsure if Prudence and Mayfield are as excited as Travis and myself. It's been a great pregnancy thus far without many complaints. Until recently. I'm now full term and have been on bed rest for the last month. I had to give up my job at the library where I was working in the Children's Room. It was hard for me because that was the first job in a long while that I truly enjoyed. The patrons were unpredictable, the young ones were adorable and the 'tweens were unbearable but I thoroughly enjoyed attempting to reprimand them. Being in a position of working with children is something I never thought I'd be capable of. Then again, being in a position of having a child of my own is another thing I never thought I was capable of. I didn't grow up with many babies around. I was the baby. The first baby I held was my cousin when I was 12 years old. She lived miles away so I didn't see much of her as a young'n. Between my husband and I, we have never changed a diaper to this day. Growing up, especially during and after those "formative years," my reasoning for not wanting children was because I couldn't understand WHY a child should be brought into such a horrific world. A world of bullying, terrorism, unsettling political practices, mental illness and death...the list goes on. Now that I am typing this, I still see the validity of my arguments, but there are some factors that were left out due to my sheer lack of experience. Experience that came with age, wisdom that arrived with a newfound openness. I love my husband. And our house. And our life. Sure, there are still horrific things in this world...but there are great things too. Things I wasn't even open to therefore completely unaware of. And not blissfully unaware. I am blissfully aware now. I was previously miserably unaware of anything other than my pessimistic nature. Don't get me wrong, I am still very much a pessimist. And a worrier. And a whole mess of anxiety and nerves. Is the glass half empty? Not anymore. It's overflowing. But only when I allow myself to not worry about the spill.

Mastering the Art of the Remodel

It still enthralls me to step across my new bathroom/kitchen floor and hear no signs of a creak anywhere! It is solid as a rock! (And yes, I sang the last part). Just 6 LOOONG months before, the day after we signed the deed, I couldn't resist the urge to peel back the awful linoleum that was coming up behind the toilet. And that, my friends, is where it all began. You see, this laminate flooring was the last bit of flooring left all the way from the bathroom to the kitchen. All other traces were rotted away (PARTICLE BOARD WILL DO THAT!) and poor patch jobs along the way, left one big mess. Rip up the papers or continue ripping up the floors?? With my brother and dad leading the way, THANK GOD IF THERE IS A GOD, we replaced the old blue toidy and shower with pristine bisque. Painted the former Mildewy Blue to Liberty Park green, added espresso colored vanity with granite top, with matching mirror and medicine cabinet. A new window that actually opens and a tub that doesn't feel as if it's going to fall through the floor!

IN SPEAKING OF FALLING THROUGH FLOORS, AND ALSO THE GREATEST SEGUE EVER, we moved on to the kitchen after a solid 2.5 months of bathroom remodel. We all know the famous scene in The Money Pit where someone falls into a large hole. This is what ensued as we ripped up a floor and neglected to replace it immediately. Of course Travis knew we didn't have a floor, but it slipped his mind as he opened the door to the kitchen, like he's done countless times before, and stepped in without looking. He missed the balance-beam floor joist we've been tiptoeing along...and both legs would've been dangling in the neighbor's downstairs kitchen, if it wasn't for their cupboards and Tinker Bell Disney mug collection to break his fall. That is what some would call a 'memorable bruise.' I know I've had a memorable bruise, and I'm sure if you really want to know the story bad enough, you can just peruse the blog history and find it yourself.

Somehow we made it through; the months without a stove, of doing dishes in the bathtub, the week and a half without a toilet...and can you believe it we are still going at it! Up next is the living room, new wiring and new heat. Of course new paint, I am thinking of turquoise perhaps. But long before I see this turquoise I speak of. Our other half of the house is going to be renter-free so that we can fix 'er up...Tax return = new windows. There's a bedroom to completely gut, a bathroom that needs a ton of work and we can't forget those two holes in the kitchen ceiling screaming for a patch job! \

'Tis all for now. More to come.

Beverly June Rose Christian

Here's a list of a list of the things I like, this list is a list of things I like...

Really it's a list of the things my Grandma loved.

her 10 children and 15 grandchildren
a cup of coffee after dinner with my grandfather
the Kennedys
current events
letter-writing
Daniel O'Donnell
Monet
poetry
the McCall's Book of Etiquette
ham & potato salad
meeting new people
Chester's Flower Shop
any flowers at all

She's the most beautiful flower to me. Her beauty and her smile are unmatched. Though I know she'd be more than modest, always looking away from the camera...to me, her presence was simply a brilliant sunshine. Warm, radiant, calming and lovely.
I know our relationship has just changed now...I think about her everyday. I have an array of her collection. Some painted wood house cut-outs...the Library, the gazebo and Old Victorian ones I bought her. They sit on my bookshelf, next to McCall's Book of Etiquette and the Life Magazine from when Jackie Kennedy gave a tour of the White House. Next to the Viking Book of Poetry that I placed some fall leaves in, to find next season. Of course in my box of her things, there was also a few beautiful sets of boxed cards...ones with Parisian cafes and waterlilies...all in pretty boxes that decorated her room. My uncle saved every letter she's ever written him. One mentions how much I cried when I was a baby when she, my mom and I went on a drive to Cooperstown. Another reads of how distraught she was to hear of John Lennon's death. She was a mother and a friend, in the truest sense of each. And she was always so happy to see me every time I visited her, and even more elated if I was accompanied by my better half. I miss her presence beyond any of the words within my grasp.

happy mother's day.

wow. i am in awe of things at the moment. of life. of how good it can be when you learn to just let go and live it. when you undo the years of worrying and being angry and feeling as if you're unworthy of what you truly deserve.

today feels like i'm approaching the close of a year and the opening of a whole new chapter. no, i haven't gone completely mad. i do have some concept of time. it's not new years per se, but for me it's drawing nearer and nearer...my first year sober. i am just beyond grateful that i got the help i needed when i did.

in other news, travis and i have perhaps finally made the decision to not relocate. it seems so right for so many reasons, but have found judgement in the eyes of others who are unmarried....."why settle here?"..."don't get sucked in!"...."do NOT own property in Utica, NY"....but of course these words themselves seemed to be doused in "don't you want more for youself?"

the question to me is what more is there? we've found a beautiful love and are settling in to our lives together. we want to invest in us. the house, the kids, the maybe too-typical natural next step. but here we are. and we just know. and you know what? it's simply delightful.

darkives.

it's been a weird day. enjoying the somewhat clear headedness of 10 months without alcohol consuming me. enjoyed seeing my grandma boo; i've always called her that, although I'm not quite sure why. enjoyed seeing old friends today, albeit at a sad time. vicky, robin and al....vicky was my bff for along time, through the junior high-high school awkwardness phases..today, we're adults. her mom laughed as she reminded us of the time we wanted to wear black pants when we were 13, so we went to Grimaldi's. we had a standing tradition on august 31 and dec 19. we kept a journal of all of our 'firsts' together. first fart, first rollercoaster ride, first fireworks, first sleepover of many. her mom would tuck me in at night just like i was one of her own.

so needless to say, i've been feeling nostalgic. not missing the good ol' times, just remembering them with a smile. it's brought us to today. it's made us who we are. and nobody's story is exactly the same. that whole puzzle piece metaphor.

right now i am waiting for my love to get home, so we can be thisclose. and maybe eat some food.

that's all.

nothing's gonna change my world...

Would love to go 'across the universe' right now. Gettin' antsy, or, I've been antsy for a while now. The topic of change came up today between Travis and I...so now I'm inevitably asking myself if people are capable of change? Or the micro-picture here, are we capable of change? We are both unhappy with our current states. For both of is it's a matter of employment. And ambition. And circumstance. And for me, it is also a literal matter of current state. Last night I dreamt of moving to Washington State. Something different. New territories to explore. Just the two of us. Well, the four of us. Can't forget Prudence & Mayfield. Sure it sounds whimsical, but it's not the first time I've slightly considered it. There's nothing holding us back here. We're going to have to move sooner or later, why not 3,000 miles away?

I could see if there was a specific reason to move there, like a job or school, but there really isn't other than some form of escapism. I'm afraid of falling further into a rut. Need a change of scenery, need a change of pace. But none of that will change my face. It will not change who I am or my past, I'm still stuck with me...

What should we be doing? SHOULD is a shitty term. It's just absolutely soaked in false expectations that we somehow put on ourselves. Should we be following our dreams, whatever they may be? Well guess what? My dreams are limited in that aspect. My dreams consist of random moves to different states and countries. To see what life is like somewhere else, although to undoubtedly find at the end, it doesn't matter where you are. There you are.
On the topic of false expectations and this whole 'shoulding' crap, the reality is exactly that. THE REALITY. What is possible exactly at that point in time. Shit happens. Shoulds happen. Life happens. Love happens. Falling apart happens. And then there's everything else that happens while things are happening.

But what is happening right now? A big question mark is happening. On what to do next. What should I do next?