"When Things Fall Apart"

I stumbled across something today that left a lasting impression on me, you could say that maybe it changed my life, or at least my current perception about my present state of mind. I'm sure anyone that reads my journal notes that at times, these entries appear filled with sadness, uncertainty, questions upon questions about why my mindset skews to the point of despair, why the world seems like such a bad place, and where my place lies within it...

...trying to make sense of it all.

And isn't that all what we're trying to do? Don't we all have inner demons? I've always considered this notion, as long as it has prodded at my sanity, to be the very thing that separated me from everyone else who seems to be getting along just fine. But in fact, isn't this the very thing that links me in the human connection? Haven't we all hurt? And don't we all find utter discomfort in that damned feeling, because I know I do.
So my initial response, aside from that other damned feeling of wanting to drown myself in a drink or in a great hit, is to try and find a happy place again, or at least a wave of contentment---that I can ride until I crash again. Trying to ignore the sinking feeling until I can get a grip on things, and get things in order, and rotating in attempted failures of keeping things in perspective.
But maybe it's not something to be ignored. Maybe it's myself that needs to resonate the proverbial light in an otherwise dark tunnel. And then there's the possibility that this sadness, like every person I meet and relate to, is here for me to learn from. It reminds me of pouring syrup in the individual squares on a waffle, each one overflowing until it all runs together.
In knowing this, and in wanting to further discover the truth, maybe I won't have such a hard time moving past all of the things that leave me here, progressively standing still.

And to think earlier today, I was just flipping through O magazine, my absolute guilty pleasure, completely unknowing of the lightness that would follow after reading the insights of Pema Chödrön , an amazing woman who found her solace along the path in the spiritual guidance of Buddhism, after experiencing an extraordinary amount of suffering during a depression that she couldn't find her way out of. Pema became the first American woman to become an ordained Buddhist nun in the Tibetan tradition and has written many books addressing the universality of sadness, and that getting to know yourself on that extremely personal level, you are getting to know everyone. Essentially, can you be angry at someone who is no more guilty than you for having anger, whether or not it be misguided, or immaculately tucked away, or denied to have existed at all? Knowing these things will present us with the opportunity to be receptive rather than resistant, because we know where they are coming from...where they are reacting from.

So many things that she spoke of in this interview shook me to the very core. It took my self-loathing and turned it into a quest to take these negative feelings, which undoubtedly has an affect over my life, and learn about them enough to be able to shake them off and to put them in perspective, so that it doesn't interfere with living in the present...because let's face it, the future never arrives in the form of the future.

I realize the putting into action process may not be as easy as in reading and identifying with the words I reveled in today. But my spirit is lifted anyhow at the possibility.