She's a real Gem...ini

There is a reason that cliche's are exactly that; a cliche'. It's a wildly popular trend or expression that overused and inevitably becomes overkill.

Consider yourself warned.

I'm a child, bordering on adulthood. Imagine a game of hopscotch written in chalk on the sidewalk. There are 19 little squares, each with their own number. I'm standing behind the crack of the sidewalk, stone in hand and I toss it. It lands on the 19. I hop, one leg, then two, to the end. And it's there I stand, on one leg, wondering where to go next. Ladies and Gentlemen, my crossroads.

I don't know which direction to take. Each holds different opportunites, good and bad. Unfortunately, the result of being born under a bad sign which renders me fickle, inconsistent and unable to finish what I've started, I fear I may be doomed. What I wouldn't give to be a Libra.

That being said, it is evident that there's a new awareness awoken within me that has forced me, on the arched back of fear, to look deep within myself and discover what my true feelings are on particular matters of priorities, dreams and ambition, which all of course, go hand in hand with a period of reflection. I find myself asking instead of my usual, "What is all of this for?" I substitued, "How far have I really come?" And, as always, afraid to admit defeat, I lie to myself.

But for all of you, and mostly me, I will come clean.

 

The Good:

 

Realizing a broken heart will not kill me.

Maintaining a GPA higher than 3.5

Getting, Keeping and Loving my job.

Knowing when it's time to stop.

Learning to relax.

Understanding that I have the ability to feel good.

Meeting new and wonderful people.

Letting go of the past.

Looking stunning in EVERYTHING I put on.

 

The Bad:

 

Being an emotional masochist.

Closing the door on the idea of LOVE.

Wanting to sleep my life away.

Having no pride.

Inferiority Complex.

Faithless.

Hiding behind a mask of fabulousness.

Hurting others.

Hurting myself.

Cutting ties.

 

The Ugly: (there's so much bad I needed two seperate lists)

 

Crawling back, crying hysterically and blotchy. Blotch looks good on no one.

Giving my teacher the finger.

Rolling with the Village People.

Fearing my dealer was gonna kill me.

Drinking too much and ending up in the bushes. Not alone.

Going too far.

Breaking the pact, and reaching for the knife.

Christmas Eve.

Letting myself down.

 

I'm looking through these lists and trying to find out where I stand. Alot has happened in the last two years. I said goodbye to relationships, and inevitably, the love that came with it. I feel accomplished. It's been a year and a half and I survived without depending on a force outside of myself, though not completely. I needed a little help getting back on my feet every now and them (or off of them, depending on how you look at it) and I have had a few crushes---er---crutches, as stepping stones.

Ha, looking back...

The boy I mooned over for 2 months in the cafeteria. I got up the nerve one day to go up to him and ask him out. Mind you, I have never once much as muttered one word to this boy. But I knew that if I never did, I'd never be able to move from the perfect little spot in the cafeteria where I could see him perfectly, playing cards with his friends. So I planned it out. I saw him getting fries. What goes better with fries than Marissa?----I mean, ketchup. So I plotted to need napkins while he was pumping his ketchup. My timing was impeccable. My choice of words? Not so much. I blurted out, "You are so cute."

He denied me.

I got back up and got back on m'horse. Who needs him anyway? It was my first big girl move.

And then came the drugs. Something I thought I'd never do. Well...I'm not gon' lie, I've always been the experimental type. All of my friends were always the "straight edge" bunch of people. My ex-boyfriends were always dead against it. That probably had something to do with my suddenly single---and piqued--- interest.

( I thought about deleting that, but decided against it. Be it as it may. )

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Then came the grown-up moments. Those many moments over the past few months that have shaken me to the very core with the harshness of truth. Where my very identity was rattled and hardened and I came undone. Dealing with loss. Feeling the power of family. Graduation. Walking away from love. Rediscovering my voice. Laughter. Running toward what I believe in. Escaping. Devotion and intimacy with someone unexpected. Trying to breathe my last breath. Never giving up. Coming down from my highs. Ultimate lows.

I don't know whats going to happen. But, to quote myself from earlier this week, "...the excitement is most of the fun. When that's gone, it's just mundane. And mundane isn't exciting. Enjoy it."

Here's to life.