Pee Pee Makes You Lose

I saw the most absurd show on television yesterday.

As you probably already assumed, it was on FOX.

"Man versus Beast." The name says it all, although I must admit, at first, I was confused.

They had an orangutang hanging from a branch and across from him, was a gymnast hanging on a bar. Now, normally a gymnast can only hang there for about 1-2 minutes, but this guy had stamina. Even when that menace of an orangutang started swinging to try to break the gymnast's attention, the gymnast swung right back at him. Fortunately, the gymnast didn't have bladder control problems the way the orangutang did, which later got him disqualified for an "illegal move."

The gymnast lasted for 6 minutes.

Good thing he didn't have much to drink beforehand.

Balloon

It's time like these I can't really seem to wrap my mind around things.

The stress is getting to me, slowly, but I feel it creeping up and I know it's there. Ambiguity reigns.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the harshness that life is sending my way. Death looms over me as I wonder what it has in store for those succumbing to its iron hands. Again, my father has fallen ill.

My patience is running thin--almost too thin, for I cannot even bear the thoughts of those swaying my confidence, hindering my ability to confide in or to just plain talk to. Friends, I call them, friends.

My need to leave is growing and I find it near impossible to contain it within my boundaries. I'm going to burst soon and it's not going to be pretty.

 

Tossed Like A Salad

I've never had trouble making friends. It's keeping them that I find I'm not very good at. After amounts of time pass I find myself weaving them out, or vice versa, in some cases.

I was never very good at being "tossed aside" (not mentioning any names but I think you know who you are.) As you can see, this gives me much animosity which is the only time I allow myself to be malicious. And to give negative shoutouts to the "nameless." (fuck you, btw)

Anyhow...

My BFF Anthony and I are holding auditions this weekend for a third party to join us in our awesome friendship. The reason we are looking is simple; He's a homosexual and single and I'm a not-so-much homosexual and single, therefore we like to go out and do our guy hunting together, which, as you probably already have guessed, is very unsuccessful considering the absurd amounts of time we spend together, the two of us, thus all men assuming both of us are off limits, so to speak. We're tired of that, so, as I mentioned before, we're holding tryouts this weekend. Anyone interested just has to fit in the guidelines (listed below) and do an interesting trick or make us laugh. It's pretty simple really.

So, without further ado, here is the criteria to be granted initiation in the BFF club.

1. You must be open to being made fun of. Alot.

2. You must be gay, lesbian or bisexual. All others will be towed at the owners expense.

3. You must be good looking. Otherwise you won't fit in with us.

4. You must have a huge appetite, for all those nights we hit up every food chain in the big N.U.

5. You must have a huge wallet. See aforementioned.

6. You must love movies. If you don't, you're not for us. Keep looking. Perhaps there's some more of your kind somewhere else.

7. You must not talk about either of us behind our backs. You will be persecuted.

8. You must have stinky feet. Otherwise you'll just be disgusted by ours.

9. All bodily functions must be embraced as beauty. Even if it comes from the booty.

10. You must be able to speak of Jeffrey Dahmer without cringing.

Auditions will be sat 12-12:30 and Sun 3-3:10.

We don't expect many people so just show up so we feel better about ourselves.

The Observer Detach

The newspaper depresses me.

Why is it every page is filled with nothing but bad news? With headlines that are laced with fear?

And there's a tiny section in the back reserved for "Good News," in which they proceed to tell you who got accepted where, whose being shipped overseas (and that's good news?) who had a baby, whose getting married and so on and so forth etc.

Even the comics depress me.

The obituaries are the big thing in the paper around here. People come from miles around just to read them. Two pages reserved for the obits. Baby news? 1 inch by 1 inch. Just goes to show that we are losing population BIG TIME. C'mon Uticans, get reproducing! Show those dead people who owns the paper!

My Mini Rite of Passage

It is possible. I can go away for college. I can finally cut the umbilical cord that has legally bound me for 18 years and venture off into a brand new world just for me. A place with excitement and new and wonderful people and experiences. It's like a fallen tree in my path has been cleared and now I can see. Although it's foggy, I'll just squint and hope that I make the right decision.

And as for my parents, they can cry and boohoo all they want. If there's something I really want, I'm going to get it. And this dream is at my fingertips.

Awakened

I'm wondering if the entire weekend really happened at all. If it did, it was euphoric. If it didn't, it was the best dream I ever had.

 

Amtrak Anxiety

I've never been on a train before.

Only a roller coaster.

And here I am again.