It's Not.

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not
So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stoplight
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not
No, I'm not
People are tricky, you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try, you kiss it goodbye
So baby kiss me like a drug like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
But it's not
No, it's not
No, it's not

It's Not - Aimee Mann

hot child in the city

d.c. - drinking coffee | Jack Johnson

Ok, so I'm cheating - - - updating before I even get home!

It's my last few hours in D.C. and I had some time to spare before I hop a wee jet home tonight at 10.

I had a great few days...and I even accomplished what I set out to...made my decisions for the next few months, got a lot of thinking done. And alot of shopping, naturally.

I'm gonna miss it here, but like they say, it's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't wanna live here. Marissa's not the big city kind of a girl. Marissa is not one to talk in first person, either. I'm gonna miss Brian and the roomies, too.

Nina, his girl roomie, is FABULOUS. Wouldn't you know there was another Marissaling out there somewhere shopping in a parallel universe?! Our closets are almost identical! We have the same zebra jammies so Friday night we had a girls night and we wore our pjs and drank wine and knitted and talked about the boys and how lame they are.

I got over my phobia of escalators. And Metros. I still don't like Metros. if you asked me before my trip I would've said Metros? Isn't that a MLB team? And FYI, in case any of you plan and riding the wild Metro anytime soon, make sure NOT to laugh. People will give you DIRRRTY looks. There's no laughing on the Metro. This is Bob Dole's chair.

And I got Brian to watch 4 episodes of Sex and the City with me! Hahaha!

The weather wasn't so great. But hey! It's better than the week of snow predicted at home! It poured on us for 4 hours while looked at all the touristy stuff.

Yesterday I spent some time with Todd, the other roommate. He got me hooked on the Most Amazing Police Videos. I watched it for 5 hours straight. And ate Slim Jims. Thankfully Nina came home to rescue me before I started to grow a penis.

She took me out shopping and for coffee to get the testosterone out of my body and to regulate my estrogen levels by trying on shoes.

Somewhere between Metros and shoe shopping and touristing, I messed up my foot pretty bad. I don't know what happened but it KILLS. I felt like an old lady as I winced trying to hold my shopping bags and cross a busy intersection, without falling on my bad foot. I can't believe I have a bad foot! I'm only 20!

Alright people. Time to get offline. This is the last leg (or bad foot) of my trip and I'm not spending it sitting here! If you happen to be driving through Chevy Chase (Maryland, that is, hahaha.) and see a short girl hobbling towards Saks Fifth Avenue, don't honk, you will more than likely scare her. 

 

Peace Peace

SEACREST, er, MARISSA OUT!!

next stop: disappointment town, USA.

do i really need to say? | Easy Ride Madonna

So I found the perfect place.

3 bedroom, washer & dryer and ONLY $750/month. It's in the cutest little neighborhood.

So I had this great little idea that maybe, just maybe, a few of my little 20-year old friends that live with their parents would like to maybe, I don't know, NOT live with their parents anymore?

Well at least I got to entertain the thought for a few hours before it was squished. It made me happy while it lasted.

: (

So other than the mega-disappointment...

I'm going to D.C. tomorrow.

stream of consciousness.

intuitive | One Love Hootie & the Blowfish

The weather is absurd. It's affecting everybody. I don't think I've come into contact with one happy person in the last week and a half. My mother and I went for a drive today in the pouring rain and I saw a teeny tiny patch of blue sky and felt a little glimmer of hope well up in my chest. It was a major tease. And then it poured some more.

The weather in combination with EVERYTHING else has got me in quite the pickle. I'm starting to understand that every aspect of my life has some weird connection or parallel to every decision I find myself unable to make.

Deadlines for college applications are approaching...I think it's November 1st for most places. My heart was really set on Art History, but nowhere around here offers it. And I'm sure I won't have time in the next week to visit and apply to any colleges really...and to get all sorts of scholarships and financial aid. There's just no time. I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through the process apparently.

I merely mentioned I was thinking about going away to school and John throws a huge shit fit.

I don't know what I think or feel. About anything. I tried looking deep into my heart and all I find is black uncertainty. This is not where I wanted to be. I've been doing this indecisive bit for close to 3 years now. I think I think too much. That's what I think.

There are some things I know I want, but just don't know how to get to them. I want my own apartment. Preferably alone. I don't think there is one person that I could live with and tolerate for a long stretch of time, aside from Stephanie. But Stephanie just bought a house with her tempermental boyfriend. And she never calls me anymore.

Or maybe John. But it's too soon for that. And with John lately...I just don't know.

I'm torn between these decisions and its extra frustrating that I can't really talk to any of my friends about it anymore without feeling I'm being judged by them.

And I've started to wonder how many of my friends are really true friends. Alot of them, I've realized, are sort of temporary. But maybe there's nothing wrong with that? I just wish I had someone that was always there for me and the comfort of knowing that they always will be, and that I could do that for them.

And I feel like so much of my pending decisions are already made for me and cut and dry, in a sense. Like I know what I should or what society thinks I should do...and in regards to the ultra-radical feminism that has replaced societal and gender roles today, I feel like if I chose to stick with my relationship instead of maybe going away to school that I'd be somehow reverting everything that women have fought for.

And it's not like that.

There is a reason that some things are traditional. And what is so bad about that? Why does everything and everyone have to prove something? It's like, OOH! LOOK HOW FAR I CAN GO!

And all of these thoughts lately have been tying into my different theories and philosophies of the world and of the human condition and I'm beginning to form these thoughts and opinions that some "democrats" (using the term VERY loosely here) would consider "republican" or "conservative."

I believe that the further and further we get into this huge pissing contest of what is more shocking or the next big thing, that the term democrat has been replaced with liberal, thus making democrat more "republican" than a liberal. And just uttering the word republican in public will earn you looks like you just killed a puppy.

What it boils down to is this: If I decided that my relationship was important enough for me to stick around and get an education here, would I be shit upon by everyone and judged because "standing by your man" is too traditional for the nontraditional society?

Doesn't anyone see anymore that it is nice to have someone around? Or is everybody just out to prove that they can do it themselves and be entirely self-sufficient? I call that the "Look ma! No hands!" syndrome. And wholly speaking, if everyone only had their own interests in mind (which most do) wouldn't that just create a war for power or he who with most wins attitude?

What I want for me is to know that I could make it by myself if I had to. And I'm pretty sure I could. But I don't see the point in living this whole wonderful life without having someone there to share it with.

And I'm not necessarily saying with John. But with a somebody. And I don't think it shows a weakness in character. I think it shows integrity and strength that two people who are willing to be with each other and share their lives together. It's something that is majorly lacking in the world today and probably why everyone is bitter and cynical and miserable. Most people are too concerned with themselves and are too tied up in thier own lives to realize that there's a whole group of people out there in the same position. That we're all in the same little lifeboat floating away from the sinking ship. And that by fighting and rocking the little boat, we aren't getting rescued any quicker.

Just some things that were on my mind.

 

Wow.

I'm late for work, but I had to share!

dude, sweet | Sarah Mclachlan

On a lighter note......this is too great not to share!

Last night, I got a phone call during my dad's birthday dinner.

Wait, before I get to the really good part, let me tell you about my dad birthday din-din. I made reservations for 9 of us (annoying grandma who hates me, uncle, mom, sis & her woman, brother & his woman, me & dad) for the restaurant my dad really likes. He invited his friend, Craig, too....so 10 of us.

Let me just say. Wow. How hot is Craig for a mid-40s guy? Me and my mom even took a bathroom break together to discuss how HOT he was. He was Tom Selleck circa Magnum P.I. HOT.

And he's a grandpa!

I bet his liscence plate on his HARLEY (because he rides one) reads 1HOTGPA.

He's absoultely the most charming guy ever. Even my Gram was flirting with him. (I think she was just feeling sexy because she just got new teeth and wanted to show 'em off.)

So I upstaged her. "Oh, Craig! My teeth are real!"

Hahaha. I'm kidding.

Throughout the meal, my mom's tolerance for Budweiser got lower, as did her shirt. I haven't seen her show off so much cleavage since the Bush Sr. Administration, when she was breastfeeding me.

------------back to the originial story------------

Alright. So we all know at this point that my favoritest movie ever (recently, anyway) was WEDDING CRASHERS.

So last night, during my dad's birthday dinner, I get a phone call from my ultra-fab friend Heather.

You're what? You want me to what?! Dude, I am SO there!

She was at a wedding in town! And wanted me to crash it! OPEN BAR!!!!!

Wooooooo!

So, an hour or so later, after pecking Craig on the cheek goodbye (he was going home to his wife, lame)  I show up at the Radisson in a pair of jeans with holes in the knees (haha, no time to go home and change when there's OPEN BAR!) I meet up with a very tipsy Heather, who hands me a Cosmo (she knows me so well) and drags me onto the dancefloor just in time for the electric slide!

I was a real-life wedding crasher!!!!!!!!!

I hung out with the groom for a while at the bar after the reception. His oh-so-tired bride passed out upstairs before they could ...you know, do the "electric slide," if you will. He was bummed, so I bought him a drink. (Actually, I ordered him a drink and left before I could pay for it! Ha! Smooooth!)

Get this. Bride and Groom were 22.

22!

The insanity!

Later that eve, when I untipsy-ed myself, we drove to Wendy's for some 99 cent menu goodness.

We walked up to the doors, doin' the potty dance, to find the doors were locked.

As I turned to walk back to the car, discouraged, Heather begins pounding on the windows!

"I GOTTA PEE! AND I WANT SOME FREAKIN' BURGERS, DAMN IT! LET ME INNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

I love her.