I know it's been awhile since I've last written...
Going back to school has been a challenge. My inability to form rational thoughts when lost so deep within myself has lead me to a new low. I can't eat. I shake. I'm nervous, all of the time. The only thing I can do, and want to do, is sleep. It's my escape from me.
I don't feel I belong there anymore. There's just a cutoff point and I have reached it. My tolerance threshold, like the limbo bar, has been lowered to the point that I can't even shimmy underneath without losing my balance. I also feel I do not belong here. My thoughts and ideas are just too big for me to handle. My hates and desires and cynicisms are slowly taking into control all I have lost control of.
Nothing is good enough, though at the same time, my disappointment is nothing more than expected; I am my own worst enemy. I can think back to a time when I was in a much worse place in my life, when I was a complete mess, unsure of my own name and of the possibilities a mind like my own could bring to me. But now I still find myself in an unhappy place; a place of no contentment, fear and loneliness. My plans of pushing everyone away has succeeded, and while it's quiet and for the most part enjoyable, I am still human and long for someone to love, someone to kiss.
A friend said to me, "I think one day, it will all be better for you." I smiled, feeling slightly sorry, moreso for her than myself. I know it will not be better for me, as long as I am here. And they just don't get that.
My facade is translucent and even the blind can see right through me. My delusions of granduerism, displays of uncontrollable fabulousness and fits of laughter are the skins of my apple. My core is hidden, untouched and rotting within me.
I've always thought that its easier to hide within yourself than to show your true life. That way you can't be hated for who you really are, because no one knows. And we could go on our entire lives, longing to be understood, when in fact, we all just die unknown.
I am stuck. I have no idea what direction to turn or who to run to. I have made it so that there is no one there to watch me as I unravel, removing layer after layer of mistakes and regret, to the fine tune of insignificance. Play it again, Sam.
11 comments:
Hello
I just stumbled across your journal while out for a blog jog. I have battled these same thoughts from time to time with different levels of severity. I know what's always worked for me is to take the needless pressures off myself. You don't have to update your journal everyday, although the venting probably helps. Like a message sent to the cosmos. Reinvent yourself. If you know what's working don't fix it, if you know what's wrong, change it. Even the seemingly immovable can be moved, but it won't happen all at once...breathe, the next time you smile make a note of it and be sure to count more smiles then tears. trust me, I know about what I speak. I'm 42 and counting...and have reinvented myself more then once.
Carly
As someone who suffers from major depression, your entry makes perfect sense to me. I've been where you are, many many times. There is hope...I want you to know that. There was a time in my life when I felt like I wanted to leave this world...who would care anyway, right? A time when I thought the pain of my life was not something I could endure any longer. A very good friend suggested I go to my doctor and talk to her about how I was feeling. I went, pretty much kicking and screaming all the way there, but I was so glad I went. Seeing my doctor saved my life, and gave me back a life I wanted to live.
Honey, I don't know if you take antidepressants or not...but if you don't...might I suggest that you see your doctor and begin taking something like that? It took me a while to find the right medication to take, that had the least amount of negative side effects...but when I finally found the one that worked for me...I felt free.
I don't know you...but I understand you. There is help out there...all you have to do is take the first step to getting there. Everything you've described about how your feeling is screaming major depression to me.
I can't say that I don't still suffer, because I do. No pill is going to make everything bliss. Thats not possible. But it does give you a clear enough mind to be able to see your problems, and it gives you the strength to conquer them.
If you ever need to talk...feel free to email me. I'm off and on the computer quite a lot.
May Goddess bless your precious soul.
Connie
Marissa, I don't know your college, but we have a team of people for students to seek out when they need to talk. -- Now don't get mad at me. --
Is there a counseling service available? So often college students find the shift from where they were to where they are so overwhelming that they feel lost and without focus. It is not unusual. And counseling can be so helpful. I used it myself when I felt like a tornado of emotions, unable to even sit still, much less be able to concentrate. And it just helped to spill it out to someone who didn't know me, wouldn't make judgments (or if she did, I didn't care, cause I wasn't going to go shopping with her anytime soon) and to get feedback and asked questions I had never considered.
I hope you find out if there are those services available. And if they're not, I really really hope you seek someone who will listen and provide the same feedback that I got so many years ago. You are worth that much, dammit.
You are my friend, and I hate that you're hurting.
~~ jennifer
I understand all too well. My thoughts couldn't be much darker. Yet others tell me how beautiful I am, how sweet, how good, on and on -- and yet -- I just want to SCREAM you are sooooooo wrong! I AM NOTHING. If I left this world this VERY second, It wouldn't make one difference. I am totally insignificant.
It would be easy for me to keep going in this same vein, but what would the point be? There wouldn't be one, trust me.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you everything is going to be alright. I refuse to be one of those people who sit here and tell you that things will get better, blah, blah, blah. Because life sucks, that is a proven fact, at least in my viewpoint.
What I am going to say is -- there ARE -- there TRULY ARE people who understand. I could have just as easily written every word you expressed here in my journal. Although I never would've done it so eloquently, you do have a wonderful way with words.
I do understand, and if you ever need someone who can relate and who cares a great deal, then please contact me. I would always be here for you. I mean that sincerely. I know those words can be easy to say and difficult to follow thru on, but I mean them. Love, Anna
http://journals.aol.com/annalisa135/Simpleyetsatisfying
I can't say that everything is rosey, or that it has been easy. It has been so painful to start over. I fight depression, and the constant urges to hurt myself, and miss my children, and sometimes feel almost totally alone in the world. Leaving my old life brought on a breakdown that I am still recovering from, and some days I feel fragile like a hollow egg shell.......... but I have learned to lean a bit, and accept help and strength from others when I feel I cannot hold my head up anymore.
I sense your desperation, and I just want to be one voice that says that you do not have to give up, you do not have to let the darkness win. There are others of us out here, others for whom this life has been so difficult.... and there are resources, and people to lean on for you as well.
If there is anything that I can do, know that I am here. You are obviously bright and intelligent, and you have been given gifts that no one else in this world possesses. It is your job to uncover them and share them. I want to ask you to hang in there, and not give up. I just feel that I am beginning to emerge from the darkness that has been my old life, and I want to tell you that things can indeed get better. I am living proof.
Please be well, you will be in my thoughts.
Judith Olivia HeartSong
http://journals.aol.com/judithheartsong/newbeginning/
Hi. I just found your journal, and I hope that my visit is not an intrusion. I understand what you are saying better than you may know. I am 41 years old.... very old compared to you, I am afraid. The last two years have been harder than any of the years that have gone before in my life..... and NONE of this life has been easy.
I was sexually molested as a child, raped as an adult, and spent twenty years in a horrible marriage to an abusive man. I have dealt with issues of ptsd and self-mutilation on a daily basis. I was planning to end my life, and a funny thing happened on the way to the end of my days. I let go of control, and decided that I was worth one more try. My entire life has changed in the last two years, and all of the sick people who once surrounded me have moved back into the shadows. For the first time in my entire life I am involved in a healthy relationship with someone who loves me, I sleep better at night...... and all the fear is not as close as before.
contd.......
i am also new to your journal and apologize if my comments are felt as an unwelcomed intrusion by a stranger .. i am much much older than you so i am writing to you from a place you aren't familiar with yet (its called old age !)
you wrote: "I know it will not be better for me, as long as I am here."
i don't share your belief for one specific reason .. the one thing that has gotten me from one day to the next is the FACT that in life, nothing stays the same .. nothing .. the days that my pain was so consuming it hurt to breathe .. the nights that it hurt too much to cry .. i still knew that tomorrow or the next day, or perhaps i had to wait longer .. but life would bring something different ..
i don't know if i'm making much sense or even helping you at all but i hope you understand that i'm coming from a place of caring and compassion
pamela
HI. I'm just visiting your journal for the 2nd time. Jennifer had a link in one of her previous entries. You are a gifted writer. I, like many others had a time in my life where I had to battle depression. When I found I couldn't handle it on my own, I went for professional help. Thank God I did because it helped me turn my life around. I began to realize that many things in our life are in our control. Please consider getting some help because what we need in this world are more people who are sensitive, caring and talented which you obviously are. I have found that the caring souls of J-Land are like crazy glue that can help fill the cracks. Nothing is ever written in stone. LIfe is subject to change on a daily basis. Hang in there. Nelle
Hi. So sorry you're where you are. People that tell you, " I think one day, it will all be better for you," mean well. It is their love talking. But unless they are in YOUR shoes, feeling what YOU are feeling, they can't understand.I have struggled with depression my entire life and found that stuggle the most horrible of all my life struggles. I wore masks all the time, so many I hardly knew what the real ME was like. I don't know you so cannot know what to say, except : " No matter if we're stuck, moving ahead, or going backwards in life, we're all kindred spirits. I have some of you in me. You have some of me in you. Meaning, I might not understand all you're feeling. BUT I know what hurt and sadness and being stuck feels like. I Know what it feels like to feel like a dot in the universe and people can't even see the dot. So I'm here for you as much and as often as you choose, or not at all. But I AM here for you irregardless. Will keep you in prayer. *Barb*
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/BOTHSIDESOFTHECOIN
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
I don't know what to say except for that I am sad that you feel that way and a little embarrassed that my attempt at saying something that I hoped might help a little somehow made you feel bad for me? Obviously we don't have exactly the same experiences or thoughts, but I also cope with depression. For me however, it helps me to try to looks at things from the view that they will get better, they have to. I wish I knew more of why you felt the way you do, but I don't. If I can be there for you as friend, I will be. But it's hard to help you if you don't want help.
i like cheese.
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