Clean up in aisle 4!

Working in retail has led me to some interesting conclusions about the inhumane, er---human race.

One: People will do anything to save a measley ten cent piece. Michaels Arts and Crap had a brilliant idea this week. And printed it out in ad form. With a 40% off any one regular priced item coupon. Enter: Madness. As if accepting competitor coupons didn't make us look good spirited enough, we had to have our own, just to shove all scrapbookers, wedding planners, knitters and stencil people in one big old melting pot. And only schedule one cashier to run the show. Any guesses on who the lucky cashier was?

Thank you for calling Michaels of New Hartford, your one stop shop for everything craft, this is Marissa speaking, how may I help you this lovely day?

You think I'm embellishing.

I'm not.

While every other little guinea pig in a red apron pranced around the store, rushing to get inventory done, I scanned my little heart out.

Yarn and beads and pipe cleaners, oh my!

And what about those poor, tortured souls who didn't get a coupon with their paper this morning? I know! Howabout enstate this great lease program where we give the 40% off coupons to anyone who asks for one! Sounds great! That way, instead of breaking out the violin every time someone bitches and moans about having to pay the regular price of $2.00, we can bend over and take it in the you-know-what like all slaves of retail do.

Two: People are sneaky sons of bitches. Those who aren't aware of our "giving away coupons to everyone" advertisement, try to "cheat the system." And these are the same people who probably screw the entire tax season in the ass. You know who you are. Don't bump your head on the table when you're done looking for your wad of cash.

Our policy is a simple one. One coupon per one customer per day. Then you get the lady who think she's a Charlie's Angel or something. She thinks she can buy one box of wedding invitations with the 40% off coupon in one line, and then hop on over to the next and do the same thing.

For a long time, I just looked the other way when it happened. What could I do? But today was different. Today, I was fed up.

Round one:

"Excuse me, miss, are you all set? Would you like to come through my line. Again?"

"Well, I knowyou can only do one a day so I thought I'd just go to another..."

"No. No you can't. Try coming back tomorrow. I'll even hold these for you, if you want."

"I don't live around here."

"That's too bad. Have a good day."

Ma'am, you've been ZINGED!

Round two:

I'm ringing a woman out in my line. I notice across my register, to customer service, a non-Michaels employee stalking around behing the desk. She was poking through crumpled up ads that were lying on top of the garbage, looking for the 40% off coupons. You have to be kidding me. Not only do we have a major tightwad in the store, we have a garbage picker. Keep it on the streets, please.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"Looking for a coupon. Looks like you don't have any."

"Not there we don't, seeing as how customers aren't allowed back there. Could you please join the rest of your party back here in line, please? They're embarrassed that you'd stoop so low to save a dollar. Now, if you just asked for a coupon, I could've given you one."

As she trotted away from my register, I laughed as the faint smell of rubbish trailed behind her.

Cheapskates make cheap dates.

Three: Some parents like to enstill a sense of honesty and loyalty within their children. Those who shop at the crap store don't.

Round one:

A mom marched her young daughter back into the store after she caught her shopllifting and made her return it to the manager and apologize. I looked on, feeling sorry for the little girl who looked horribly upset, but even more sorry for the mom who will need to bail her daughter out of jail for shoplifting. Publicly humiliating her will not solve her kleptomania. Cutting off her hands will.

Round two:

Those same sneakies I've mentioned before also come in parent brand. The moms who send their children through with a 40% off coupon and the same item the mom mysteriously has. This is a situation in which my hands are tied and my mouth is to remained shut. There's not much I can do here, though it's insanely irritating. They watch you and laugh to themselves as they silently screw you, thinking you have no idea when in all actuality you are onto them like white on rice. Children don't buy wooden shelves and portraits by Claude Monet. The only tooliest people to buy crap like that is parents. And now they've got their kids in on it too.

If you've screwed one, you've screwed them all.

Good going asshole, you've just created a minion of yourself. Just what this world needs.

Four: The "that's not the right price" customer. Ever hear of the price is right? Good for you. Michaels hasn't. Because there, the price is always wrong.

Round one:

I scan a bag of Christmas candy. It rings up for .19 @ 90% off.

"That's supposed to be ten cents."

"Fuck you. Just take the damn thing." I throw it, causing a colorful eruption of M&Ms.

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Obviously I didn't really throw it. I lied for the mere demonstration of my anger. Good visuals though, no?

So here's my long and drawn out point.

To all customers: Stop acting like cheap assholes. I can only kill you with kindness for so long before I hold my scan gun to my head.