What do you want to be when you grow up?

I involved myself in some thought provoking conversation today.

What started off as my usual spew about what college to go to, why someone would hire me...blah blah blah, ended up as a conversation about life. Life.

She brought up interesting ideas about ordinary run-ins. "What do you want to do with your life?" A question I've heard one million too many times. Our answer? We want to live. As if to say, we do not want to be one with our career path. Your job is not the sole definition of YOU. What you do, is what you do, who you are is not your job. And damn them for trying to define your existence in such solitary words as lawyer or salesperson or yeti.

I'm determined that I may never get a job that coincides with the degree I have under my belt. If I became an English major, I'd be destined to be a teacher. What more can you do with that? If I became a Journalism major, my future would be bleak as I would be writing obituaries for locals. Howabout a Creative Writing major? Sounds good, right? Too bad it's only offered in one college, one that I would never go to anyway. And what to do with that? Be paid to write? Sounds great, idealistically speaking, anyway. I would love to get paid to write journal entries. But then arises the universal question that plagues children who always want to know, "Why?" Children aren't the only ones always begging to know why, adults who find time between busy work schedules and defining their existence by it may find themselves asking "Why?" What is all of this for?

What are we working for? Money? And that's a good enough reason? It has to be. We have made it the only reason to work, without it, you can't survive. I wouldn't feel right working nine to five everyday because I have to in order to survive. My existence would be wasted. I would feel I have gotten more out of my own life if I were able to live it on my own terms.

I want to do something I love to do, when I want to do it. And apparently, that's too much to ask. But why does it have to be? Because someone said so? Who is this someone, anyway? Who, aside from myself, is in charge of my life? The people I admire most are not the ones in the workforce, though I give them outstanding credit for dealing with it all and getting paid to do something they hate, but the ones who do nothing. And are okay with that. The ones who don't go to school and the ones who don't have a job, simply because they don't want to. Some call it lazy, but I call it admirable. They're doing what they love. Nothing.

I can go to school for what I love, writing, and crack under the pressure of being insecure, not good enough, not smart enough, not confident of my writing abilities whatsoever and...never pick up a pen again. Or I can go, have all the aforementioned happen and not get a job that I enjoy. Simply because of an illusional "edge" companies are looking for that I may not encompass. It's their fictitous way of saying "You're not good enough." I write when I feel like writing. It's what I love doing. Whether or not I am good at it is not a factor when I'm doing it for myself. If it's for a company, it's another story. I'm no longer doing it for me. My "life" (in terms of career) is no longer my own. So maybe writing is not my calling.

So I'll think about psychology. It's interesting for a "science" based on no tangible evidence. I could go on forever reading about the mind, the psyche and the whole human condition, but there's that question again, "Why?" What purpose can come from studying someone else analysis and opinion of what makes us us. You know what makes us us? Us. We are each unique, therefore it is completely nonsensical and inappropriate to study humanity. There are no conclusions you can draw from one person to the next. End of story. Seems there is no place for me in the psychological world either.

Sociology. I believe this is my intended minor. It's interesting, again, but what is the point of it? It's grouped psychology. Find one erratic trait common between 20 or more persons and you have sociology. It turns into bulk psychology. Though, going with sociology to another end of the spectrum brings us into history. Learning and understanding what it's like to live horticultural society. But again, why? If you want to know what it's like, become horticultural. Move somewhere horticultural. Don't rely on biased books to paint the picture for you. It's one thing reading someone else's account of it, and another to live it yourself.

Most jobs are pointless. To me, a job shouldn't be a "job" at all. In fact, the word job itself has negative connotations. Why would someone want something negative that they have to do everyday? Because we have to? No, no, that's wrong. Can't they see that? Over half of our lives are wasted earning money. And what is money other than some pissing contest between Presidents? It's an aesthetic, tangible reassurance of social status. It's like designer labels on jeans.

I feel this too is one of those social phenomena we hear about. Questions with no answers. The proverbial vicious cycle. I am so over it.

I can't help but wonder what all of this is for. What happens to those with similar thoughts of mine? Are all of the "social misfits" exiled to an existence of hermitry? It seems that way. We are the lost socks of laundry. No one really knows where we all go.

Maybe soon I'll find out.