virtual vomit.

And now begins the utterly dragged out part of the breakup. Getting over him.

Is it still called a breakup even if we were never together? Yesterday I would've fought to get my point across that, yes, Mario and I were together, but today? I could care less.

What classifies being together? Doing all the couple-y stuff, correct? Like, I don't know. Holding hands. Kissing. Sleeping together. The inevitable pet names.

But no, for the record's sake, we were never together.

So this is the end of nothing.

I'm not going to lie. It hurts. ALOT. And I'm not sure if it's because I'm out of practice or if I'm losing my resilience but the "he's just not that into you" attitude is worthless here.

Alot of signs pointed to he was totally into me. For example, the plane ticket that he bought for me to visit him. It's not like he's a marioinaire or anything, I'm sure he doesn't just buy tickets for any girl thats remotely interested. I've thought about sending him the $200, but decided against it and that he should have to pay. (although $200 is one millionth of the price of a broken heart.)

Thats unanswered question one.

I really don't know how to be done. I don't. Thinking about him is like trying to stop breathing, you can't help but breathe again, involuntarily.

In the midst of the whole thing (think about 15 months or so) I kept thinking to myself "why does it have to be so hard?" And for a long time, the answer was obvious. He had a girlfriend. He didn't need two. (Although some times it felt like it.) And why, after they split, did he suddenly lose interest in me too?

Unanswered question two.

There is no feeling I despise more than feeling PATHETIC over something as stupid as a boy. But here I am. Part of me is blaming myself. Maybe I shouldn't have pulled out the big guns and muttered an I Love You at probably the most inopportune of moments, but I did. Love him, that is. I do not deny in any way shape or form that he was it.

And that is probably why I don't know where to begin. I could've sworn it was what he wanted to. He gave every indication that it was. And I hate that I fell victim to his gross little game, if thats what it was. Double or nothing.

I ended up with nothing.

And theres a million of things just racking my brain right now. How could he do this? How could I let him do this? Why me? What was it about me that made him see a giant KICK ME sign on my heart? Why couldn't I just leave it alone? Why doesn't this happen to everyone else, too?

I'm beginning to feel the hate well up inside of me. I'm like an awakened volcano, and, if I had the balls, I would reem him out for being TOTALLY LAME. (Or if he had the balls he would be honest.)

I hope his heart breaks in a million pieces when he find the rest of the little notes I hid around his apartment. The ones that said "miss me while I'm gone" and "know you're always on my mind."

Maybe he'll find them when he starts packing his stuff to come home in less than a month.

I better not see him. A shove is in order.

I wish I could cut that part of my brain out. The part that met him and fell in love with him. I would mail the little bloody bit of it to him in the mail. Take that.

I feel sick over it. All the time I wasted. Waiting for nothing. And I hate that he is the only person I ever felt inclined to marry. I'm disgusted with myself.

I know I'm better off without him. I actually realize it. I'm happier when he's not around, it's true, but at the same time, it was the thought of him, and perhaps the thought of a somebody instead of an empty space was more comforting than anything.

But what if months and months and months pass and he's still fresh in my memory? Or worse---what if I'm still in love with him. Then what? A labotomy?

Will it ever go away?

I guess I allowed myself to be in denial these last few months over the whole thing. He was just taking a break from it to focus on school and when he was done he'd be ready to be with me. (Mental note: a man will never be ready.) But thats not what it was at all.

He just ducked and covered from the shit storm (me) that was being sent his way.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I never met him. I wish he was lost and gone forever.

I hope the next time I think about him I burst into flames.

 

Is it getting hot in here?

 

Just make it all go away.