i thought you were losing it

Yeah, so it's been awhile since i updated, but what are you going to do other than a.) never take a final as a Utica College student again! b.) pack my bags and go to Ireland! c.) dig myself out of this huge hole that i'm buried in! That last one didn't really deserve an exclamation point but i thought i'd be consistent.

Life has just kind of mustered on these past few weeks, barely even gaining my attention. I just feel i'm at the brink, just waiting for what's next. And what's after that and what's after that. I know it seems a little toxic, this constant sense of wonder of where my life is taking me, how it will transform...if it will transform. I am the catalyst for change, I read somewhere. I think it was my wall.

This sadness that seems to creep up on me, with no rhyme and no reason, (okay maybe a little bit of reason), just sucks the life right out of me. But today isn't much different than any other winter day...it reminds me of the house in Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes, it was called Bramasole...brama meaning to yearn for and sole, the sun. In fact, I've been reading her two books about Tuscany for the past months and i just fall further and further in love with that wonderful European lifestyle...chock full of siestas ("an invitation to your thoughts, reading a book..."), mercati (markets) and a relaxed way of living indulgently on the best things in life like food, wine, friends. Not to mention they have universal healthcare!

How's that for a segue into my plea that whoever reads this blog is indebted to watch Sicko, Michael Moore's somewhat new documentary about the lovely healthcare system here in the good ol'  US of A. As grotesque as Michael Moore may be, and how truly American he really is, he's got some statistics that will turn you into Rain Man almost instantly. You'll become compulsively cautious of avoidable accidents.  The point of is you want to avoid getting all caught up in the shit institution of insurance companies and hospital bills and don't want to be chopping fingers off and then have to choose which one you can afford to have sewn back on its stump. Just check it out to see what i'm babbling on about.

In speaking of avoidable accidents, erin and i were tuned into Pop Up Video and learned randomly from a bubble in Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun video that about 4,000 people are injured by teapots annually. How does that make you feel? My initial impression was, wow, that is really shocking. But i guess things like this happen.

a bittersweetheart deal

So i've been a bit dissatisfied as of late, with the lack of inspiration surrounding me...drowning me. I'm having a hard time making these realizations, these criticisms, of my relationship with myself. At times it feels like I turned my back on myself somewhere along the way, and I'm having trouble finding who that person is. At a time that I shoud be flourishing and growing comfortably into my own skin, I'm finding it harder and harder to come out of my shell. Coupled with what some would call depression, a depression that I used to be able to make light of by writing a litany of poems or journal entries or notes to friends, or by going to my classes at the ol' community college because I so thoroughly reveled in the witty banter that inevitably ensued with my professors and equally cynical friends. Instead of those things, it somehow reached this point where something else took over. Like someone else took the wheel, and shifted my motivations, my focus, my self. But I'm not so sure it's as easy as just pinpointing one wrong in this whole picture. The wrong school, perhaps, or just a wrong choice somewhere along the way. Either way, I am left feeling passionless about my state of being at this very moment. I'm sure it's fleeting just as I'm sure it will undoubtedly return. Sometimes you can just tell these things.

                                             

I read somewhere, I believer it was Death in Venice and Other Stories in which Thomas Mann wrote, "It's one thing to be meloncholy, but another to be meloncholy and interesting."

I swear I can see the green of the Emerald Isle getting greener and greener. It will be a pleasant interruption.

I was going to write a different entry but this grabbed my attention

I'm sure all of you who use AOL saw this article at some point today if you signed on. I guess I can't really say that it's surprising that people who have to wipe asses to pay for their bills don't really love their jobs as say, a six-figure figure who is an architect! But then again, my job in retail ranks me as #10 on the ol' depressometer...I also have the disadvantage of being a girl and being of the young persuasion.

The article also stated that the surveys were conducted in 21 major occupational categories, but what about those not even considered as a part of the study? Perhaps such as these.

Aerobics Instructor - my guess is you have be to eerily joyful to attain this position...it's not very often you see a woman clad in all nylon/lycra derivatives and random body part "warmers" (like anything is ever cold while you're working out!) smile in the mirror without that shining sparkle as brightly white as her Reeboks! I can't imagine a Debby Downer type mustering up enough energy or enthusiasm to get a whole room full of people psyched on life yet alone get up and be the center of attention in a room full of people.

The Lunch Lady - I hope to God (if there is a God) that we have all seen Lunch Lady Land. If not, I will even provide a link for YouTube in which anyone who has never seen it can type it in (Lunch Lady Land -SNL) and watch it. You can thank me later. There are some obvious triggers for depression here...I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to have innumerable moles, random patches of long, course hairs in random places, smell, and on top of it all have a bad case of the gout! Not to mention looking like a lady version of Chris Farley! I don't know if it were me, after marrying a Sloppy Joe I'd go take a bath in the deep fryer, if you catch my grease fire.

Greeter at WalMart - Well I guess that wouldn't be so bad after either (a) losing a limb (b) being in a war and surviving it and (c) well, this is where I would normally put "working at WalMart" but  I guess it doesn't quite work in this scenario.

Prostitute/Hooker/Whore/Ho - Um, risk of STDs is not something I would like to have to face on the job...no pun intended is intended here. But maybe that's just me. I hear some girls really get off in that line of work.

Jiz Mopper - Just making a movie reference here. Please don't turn me in to AOLthorities.

Day Care Worker - That's really only if you're allergic to the little snot-noses like I am. But I would also like to add that other than the germ factor, there is the poop factor, the noise factor, the dealing with parents factor, the choking on plastic toy factor, the licking the floor factor (also a germ factor I realize but I felt that I should duly note this as a little boy licked my counter today as I was ringing his Dad out), the "I want candy!!!!!" factor...I'll stop here but I could go on all day. ...

Disney World mascot, I mean, "actor" - see above but add also that it's hot and touristy.

Clown - I don't know which is scarier...a clown that is that happy or a clown that is suicidal with that goofy smile caked on his face.

Suicide Bomber - I hear it offers no 401k.

Gastroenterologist- Sure the money is good but talk about a trade-off. I know on my breaks I like to sit in the back and bitch with all the old ladies over coffee about snippy customers that think they're always right but I can't imagine what coffee-talk is like amongst these guys...but I do imagine that "what an asshole" comes up just as often as it does for those in retail.

I am flabbergasted that dentists and postal workers made no appearance on this list, but at second thought maybe those occupations are reserved for the Most Psychotic surveying.

Drank too much coffee---am tweaking out.

It's such a beautiful day outside today. A crisp coolness to the air makes it really feel like fall...none of that weird humid stuff going on. The leaves finally turned this week as well. It's funny how everything stayed green for so long because the weather was so warm and summer-like. The other day I was hanging out in my car at school waiting for Travis to be done and luckily I had two Rubbermaid containers filled with my summer wardrobe in the back, as I was in the process of transporting them to my mom's in exchange for winter stuff. I had jeans on and it was 80 degrees and there I was sitting in my car, parked in the sun. I peeled em off and opted for a flowy skirt, tank top and flip flops. I knew it'd be the last day to be that warm until a time a few months down the road...when we begin to thaw and melt away any remnants of winter's short, dark days. I reveled in it all day until the sun set and I had to shut the windows. Just wish I got to have one more outdoor BBQ!

Today it's about 60...not a cloud in the sky and the view from my porch is unbelievable. I wish I could take a picture of it but my digital camera is in the process of shitting the bed.

I can't believe the next time I will see that skirt will be in Ireland. And that pretty soon, I'll be there too! I'm busting! ...With both excitement and anxiousness and not-knowing-what-to-expect-ingness? Well, whatever the word is for that is how I feel.

That's all for now.

MTV pleas: Rock the Vote!

So today in my Alcohol and Chem Dependency class, we had to debate the repeal of the Rockefeller Laws of 1973 that said any individual caught with at least 2 grams of an illegal substance will be imprisoned for a mandatory sentence of 15 years to life, regardless of an individual's characteristics or circumstances i.e. first time offender, whether or not individual can post bail or cry immunity because a friend of a friend knows whoever.  15 years to life is also the sentence of a murderer.

Obviously I am FOR THE REPEAL!

This piece of crap law came about because Mr. Rockefeller was a liberal back in the day when his running opponent was Nixon and Barry Goldwater. To stand up to those hardcore republicans, Nelson thought it was a grand ol' idea to devise a right wing plan called the War on Drugs. Everyone thought it was too harsh but Nelson insisted this would lower drug rates in NY and eventually the whole country.

But today we see that there aren't enough prisons to hold all of these minimal drug offenders. So we increase gov't spending by $750 million and take about $650 million out the budget for educational spending.

Seems to me that we're a nation promoting punishment instead of cost effective ways of treating and rehabilitating drug abusers. Also by enacting such harsh drug laws, people seeking treatment fear treatment centers as they may be criminalized for having an addiction. Our nation didn't turn it's back on schizophrenics and other mental illness patients when they had the means to treat them...we have the means to treat people with drug addictions yet we are locking them away from society only to re-enter it 15 or more years later as a fucked up individual. In many cases like in NY, more than 65% of the prisoners get sent to upstate prisons (incidentally where they are considered to be living by the Census Bureau yet they cannot vote...imagine where all the electoral votes are coming from in the REPUBLICAN district) away from their families and community.

Another interesting tidbit? It costs taxpayers $32,000/year to keep one inmate in prison. To treat that same individual with drug rehabilitation and education, it would cost only $4,500/year. That would help that $9,058,232,655,395.03 debt thing going on within the lovely US nation.

But why would that change the minds of any political figure in power out there?

Maybe because it would be committing political suicide to admit that you're against the War on Drugs and most people will, out of ignorance undoubtedly, will consider you pro-drugs and they don't want a pro-drug nation. And judging by the results of the 34 years of the Rockefeller laws, most people undoubtedly (out of ignorance) want this spiral of  societal counter-productiveness to continue. The fact is, people will get drugs no matter what. They are still extremely available. Including within the prison system...surprise! It's also imprisoning otherwise innocent folks who will always be stigmatized within society after the release of prison.

The fact also is that they will return to the life they knew if they don't learn anything else, like being imprisoned, instead of educated.

So, in class...I can't believe there was an actual argument in favor of keeping these antiquated laws enacted! The statistics are there, folks. Treatment works. Mandatory prison sentences do not. In fact, they worsen things bazillion-fold.

So that's my position on that. Now I'm going to see what Obama and Hillary think. It's a deciding factor for me. Also, Ralph Nader needs to get into this running. I'd even settle for Kucinich as this point.

Please everyone. Let's impeach this Bush of a president.

Weed is a bush.
Bush is a dope.

I think it's Sunday now

Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody I got some money cause I just got paid Oh how I wish I had someone to talk to I'm in an awful place

Okay. So the only thing true is that it's Saturday night...not much cash flow passin' through here as I have to spend it all on tickets to Ireland. But I am not complaining!

Although I do wish I had someone to talk to....
But I suppose AIM will suffice.

I haven't used AIM in decades! Well more like 2 years or so. Reconnecting and it feels so good!

Wow. I just got back to updating this. Apparently instant messaging old friends has taken over completely!

Well, it's been hours. I realize this isn't a real entry, so sorry about that.

Another time.

of accruing and reviewing

So I admit it. I haven't been the best friend I could be. Here I am living my life and not even documenting it on my old friend Egg. There's I'm sure lots of blanks to fill in but we'll get to that some other time. Right now I want to talk about the music I've been grooving out to as of late. Maybe I should just go ahead and do it in list form. Who am I kidding? I'm a list writer. So now, in know particular order (except in list form) are some of my favorite albums ever.

     -Aimee Mann Lost in Space 2002

I think she is the most fantastic person ever. I got to see her in concert in Virginia in July and it was amazing, although she didn't include much from this album at all. Her lyrics beautifully illustrate the despair of drug addiction, losing a love, hitting the road...this album in particular took me some time and appreciation to understand it but there's so much that just pieces together after listening to her work. There is usually some great artwork included in her albums...this one has single shots of black and white cartoon figures---a man alone with his empty beer bottles, the drug store on the corner, a woman sitting on a porch staring at her reflection in the window---they all seem to speak to you, kind of like her lyrics. It's hard to pick a favorite here but I'm going to have to say Humpty Dumpty. Or Invisible Ink. Or...all of them. I also need to interject that Aimee's new CD due out in January called Fucking Smilers and has a great song called 31 Today on it, which can also be found on YouTube.

  - Elton John Tumbleweed Connection 1970

So first of all I have to express my distaste that my record player's needle is finally busted and I cannot find one anywhere for my particular model. It's been out of commission for way too long. If anyone can help please contact my people aka me. Any help would be monstrously appreciated. I got this album at some garage sale somewhere because when I see Elton John records in decent shape for the right price I'm all over that shit. This is hands down the best thing he has ever created. Unfortunately his quality lowered after Disney got to him. It's like blues-rock-ballad-soul with a bit of good country in there. I specify good country because there is such a thing as BAD COUNTRY and lets not get the two things confused here. My favorite song is Burn Down the Mission. Because that what we need to do if we want to stay alive. Thanks for the tip, Elton.  (Incidentally also what the hooker said to the leper. AYO!)

   -Supertramp Breakfast in America 1979

Supertramp has it all including a harmonica and horns and a rocking keyboard and electric guitar solos....it's so melodic and catchy and rhythmic, oh my. The best song ever is Take the Long Way Home. I'm pretty much a sucker for harmonica and sax.

  -Radiohead In Rainbows 2007

This is the reason I decided to write this entry. I love that they didn't use a record company to release this album because fuck 'em that's why! Don't give into the profit that runs corporate society! I've spent endless hours trying to figure out how I can make the world a better place and I do so by not buying into cable and mass media, not shopping for new shoes every weekend (anymore...a girl's gotta save sometime. Or spend it on something else) carpooling....basically wherever I can afford to because working for the man is hard enough I don't want all of my money ending up in his accruing debt. At least mine isn't at the $9,056,734,689,078.39 mark yet.
Anyways. This album is brilliant even aside from the intelligent marketing technique. I read a wonderful description of this album in a review somewhere that it is considered to be "sparse" and "lush"...I would call it dreamy. I've listened to it about 25 times now, that ain't no lie. It's hard to pick one favorite here....but I'd have to choose Reckoner or House of Cards.

So that's that. Now I can say I'm no longer listless.

Good Times.

    Last summer, Travis and I went to the Bonnaroo Music Festival and, believe it or not, I worked as a security guard! Who know little me could cut somebody if she needed to? We drove down to NYC to catch a bus the last week of June and barely made it. Just one wrong turn made us almost miss the bus. Luckily, they waited and we were the last two to board. We even had to ask two girls to switch so we could sit together. What else would I have done if he wasn't there next to me during the shitty film after shitty film the bus drivers insisted on showing. Something tells me they bought these flicks at the $5 and Under bin at WalMart. One of the more memorable shouts from the back of the bus was when a boy with a barely perceptible feminine side, shouted "Babe City!" when Orlando Bloom came on the screen for the first time in, what I think is a major candidate for worst movie ever, Elizabethtown.

Some of the other candidates, interestingly enough, were also showed on this bus trip:

1- Bewitched - with Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman. Also, this DVD must have gotten roughed up pretty bad somewhere along the rode, my guess is by someone who also hated this movie. The voices were slightly off the entire movie and I couldn't help but feel a motion sickness in addition to the motion sickness I already had for riding in a bus for 30 hours, sleeping for most of them.

2- Harold and Maude - I've actually heard recently that this movie is pretty good, but I have to say, I really didn't have a clue as to what was going on. My cousin even got this movie for me for Christmas, but haven't watched it yet. Maybe I should try it out soon.

3- New York Minute - Yes, it's true. And get this ---some kids on the bus brought it so they could watch it! And since it was a movie, it was obviously over the allotted half hour slot we usually had to put up with watching Full House back in the day.

I mentioned that I slept for 28 of the 30 hours it took to get back to NYC after Bonnaroo was over. That was because Travis and I worked 12 hour night shifts there, 3 out of the 5 nights we were there. We worked 8 to 8, and when we finished a shift, a golf cart would come pick us up and drive us back to the staff tent area where we'd grab a quick breakfast and hurry to bed before it got too hot to sleep, around noon. We were fortunate enough to pitch our tent in another large air-conditioned tent, but it still got to be about 90 in there in the day.

The one night we didn't work, we were supposed to. They scheduled us even though we requested it off when they hired us. Beck and Radiohead were playing that night, and we couldn't miss it, so we missed out on a nights' pay instead. Even though both were still pretty new to me, I knew I'd appreciate them more after this, and I definitely do. Also, this was night 4 and by that time, I was undoubtedly beginning to smell a little ripe as I had not had access to what I consider a "showerable shower." On one of our many meanderings around the campgrounds, Travis and I came across this giant mushroom that served as a public shower for all the other sweaty hippies. So right before the Beck concert, I stood under the mushroom in my bathing suit and washed my hair.

Bonnaroo definitely left a lasting impression on me, so that's why me and Travis decided to go back. They just announced the bands and The Flaming Lips and White Stripes will be there. Not to mention The Police and Martha Wainwright.  Well, here's the link.
We're not going to work this year, because Utica College decided not to take advantage of me for once after I walked through the door today. Excess loan money is on the way in check form with my name on it! And it's going to help fund our travels this summer.

Other than Bonnaroo, which was just decided today that we were going to go, we had already planned a cross-country road trip for this summer and every last dime we could put aside, we did and still are. Our plans are to head Northwest after we hopefully make a stop in Vermont to visit Amee', into Canada then down into the Dakotas, Wyoming and Montana and possibly Oregon. After going on my first camping trip this past August, I've become a big fan of it, so that's what we're planning to do most of the way with a few exceptions of staying with friends or friends of friends along the way, and a motel every now and then for a "showerable shower." With camping, we have the option of sleeping in a tent or my car if we need to. We're used to it, being that we slept in it many a night, sleeping under the soft orange glow and dull buzzing of the Home Depot sign, in a few different locations.
And the other day, Brian invited us to visit him in Washington DC over Spring Break. Travis's sister lives there too so we're going to be in the company of awesome people in a place other than here. It'll help my wintertime blues, I think.

Travis's dad is going to show us how to fish before we go, and I'm looking forward to the experience. Travis and Erin can't believe that I've grown up without ever fishing before, or having a bonfire or hearing coyotes howl after sunset. I'm happy to be experiencing these things. Being surrounded by nature makes me happy. Did I mention what a clear sky is like out here? I've never seen so many stars. I also enjoy having a huge yard with flowers and little gardens everywhere. Charles and Christy are our downstairs neighbors, and she's into gardening and let me pick flowers for the apartment anytime I wanted. We're thinking about putting in a vegetable garden as soon as all of this freakin' snow melts!

This entry is reminding me of so many good times I've had in the last year...

Like my birthday. It lasted a week! And barbecues almost every night! Charles and Christy had a big party with a chili cookoff, which is just what the three hungover ladies needed after a night of steady drinking and dancing at Space26! 
Or the first time I hung out with Charles and Christy. They were sitting outside at their little tiki bar thing and were about to have a little chat with Ben and they invited me to join them. I took an instant liking to both of them, some of the greatest people I've ever met.
I've also met some great people over the past year as well, many of who hung out with us in our abode. Like Greg and Erin and Travis and I playing Twister and drinking heavily. Or Jared and his cousin stopping by for my birthday and a little star-gazing and bug-burning.

More recently, Travis and I have had many memorable days here in the apartment, being snowed in for 3 days. Our road was closed, because it's a big open highway with unbelievable wind drifts that impair your ability to see anything other than sheer white. It's eerie, transcendental almost.  We braved the storm and went and picked Erin up one day, along with a bottle of Bacardi Rose (ping!) and some movies we picked up at the library. Also while snowed in, I discovered an enjoyment for the game Grand Theft Auto, I tried out new recipes, and read my book. It was nice not to have school or work for 3 days on the account of the snow.

I'm equally excited for the times ahead as I am for the ones that have passed.

a little walk down memory lane...

Sooooooo! It's been a REALLY long time!

I left because I was slightly perturbed at the audacity AOL had to advertise on my personal little blog here, seeing as how I pay for AOL (used to, anyway) I thought it was shady that they decided to try to make moola off my personal thoughts and musings. But now that I recovered my old screen name using the AIM service, I'm allowed to write in here again! And for free, so it doesn't matter what they try to sell you on the expense of my journal.

Now that I got that out of the way...allow me to give a quick update since my last entry December 2005...2005! Alot has happened since then. Let's see....I moved out of my parents house at the ripe old age of 20 about a year ago. From there, I moved in with my best lady buddy Erin and lived on her bedroom floor for a few months. I also lived in my car when I finally got one! At the end of May, Travis and I moved in together and he decided that he'd stay in the area for college. Speaking of college, I have one more semester after this and I officially have a Bachelors Degree in Liberal Studies.

Tis all for now. Hopefully an entry will be soon to come!