It's Not.

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not
So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stoplight
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not
No, I'm not
People are tricky, you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try, you kiss it goodbye
So baby kiss me like a drug like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
But it's not
No, it's not
No, it's not

It's Not - Aimee Mann

hot child in the city

d.c. - drinking coffee | Jack Johnson

Ok, so I'm cheating - - - updating before I even get home!

It's my last few hours in D.C. and I had some time to spare before I hop a wee jet home tonight at 10.

I had a great few days...and I even accomplished what I set out to...made my decisions for the next few months, got a lot of thinking done. And alot of shopping, naturally.

I'm gonna miss it here, but like they say, it's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't wanna live here. Marissa's not the big city kind of a girl. Marissa is not one to talk in first person, either. I'm gonna miss Brian and the roomies, too.

Nina, his girl roomie, is FABULOUS. Wouldn't you know there was another Marissaling out there somewhere shopping in a parallel universe?! Our closets are almost identical! We have the same zebra jammies so Friday night we had a girls night and we wore our pjs and drank wine and knitted and talked about the boys and how lame they are.

I got over my phobia of escalators. And Metros. I still don't like Metros. if you asked me before my trip I would've said Metros? Isn't that a MLB team? And FYI, in case any of you plan and riding the wild Metro anytime soon, make sure NOT to laugh. People will give you DIRRRTY looks. There's no laughing on the Metro. This is Bob Dole's chair.

And I got Brian to watch 4 episodes of Sex and the City with me! Hahaha!

The weather wasn't so great. But hey! It's better than the week of snow predicted at home! It poured on us for 4 hours while looked at all the touristy stuff.

Yesterday I spent some time with Todd, the other roommate. He got me hooked on the Most Amazing Police Videos. I watched it for 5 hours straight. And ate Slim Jims. Thankfully Nina came home to rescue me before I started to grow a penis.

She took me out shopping and for coffee to get the testosterone out of my body and to regulate my estrogen levels by trying on shoes.

Somewhere between Metros and shoe shopping and touristing, I messed up my foot pretty bad. I don't know what happened but it KILLS. I felt like an old lady as I winced trying to hold my shopping bags and cross a busy intersection, without falling on my bad foot. I can't believe I have a bad foot! I'm only 20!

Alright people. Time to get offline. This is the last leg (or bad foot) of my trip and I'm not spending it sitting here! If you happen to be driving through Chevy Chase (Maryland, that is, hahaha.) and see a short girl hobbling towards Saks Fifth Avenue, don't honk, you will more than likely scare her. 

 

Peace Peace

SEACREST, er, MARISSA OUT!!

next stop: disappointment town, USA.

do i really need to say? | Easy Ride Madonna

So I found the perfect place.

3 bedroom, washer & dryer and ONLY $750/month. It's in the cutest little neighborhood.

So I had this great little idea that maybe, just maybe, a few of my little 20-year old friends that live with their parents would like to maybe, I don't know, NOT live with their parents anymore?

Well at least I got to entertain the thought for a few hours before it was squished. It made me happy while it lasted.

: (

So other than the mega-disappointment...

I'm going to D.C. tomorrow.

stream of consciousness.

intuitive | One Love Hootie & the Blowfish

The weather is absurd. It's affecting everybody. I don't think I've come into contact with one happy person in the last week and a half. My mother and I went for a drive today in the pouring rain and I saw a teeny tiny patch of blue sky and felt a little glimmer of hope well up in my chest. It was a major tease. And then it poured some more.

The weather in combination with EVERYTHING else has got me in quite the pickle. I'm starting to understand that every aspect of my life has some weird connection or parallel to every decision I find myself unable to make.

Deadlines for college applications are approaching...I think it's November 1st for most places. My heart was really set on Art History, but nowhere around here offers it. And I'm sure I won't have time in the next week to visit and apply to any colleges really...and to get all sorts of scholarships and financial aid. There's just no time. I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through the process apparently.

I merely mentioned I was thinking about going away to school and John throws a huge shit fit.

I don't know what I think or feel. About anything. I tried looking deep into my heart and all I find is black uncertainty. This is not where I wanted to be. I've been doing this indecisive bit for close to 3 years now. I think I think too much. That's what I think.

There are some things I know I want, but just don't know how to get to them. I want my own apartment. Preferably alone. I don't think there is one person that I could live with and tolerate for a long stretch of time, aside from Stephanie. But Stephanie just bought a house with her tempermental boyfriend. And she never calls me anymore.

Or maybe John. But it's too soon for that. And with John lately...I just don't know.

I'm torn between these decisions and its extra frustrating that I can't really talk to any of my friends about it anymore without feeling I'm being judged by them.

And I've started to wonder how many of my friends are really true friends. Alot of them, I've realized, are sort of temporary. But maybe there's nothing wrong with that? I just wish I had someone that was always there for me and the comfort of knowing that they always will be, and that I could do that for them.

And I feel like so much of my pending decisions are already made for me and cut and dry, in a sense. Like I know what I should or what society thinks I should do...and in regards to the ultra-radical feminism that has replaced societal and gender roles today, I feel like if I chose to stick with my relationship instead of maybe going away to school that I'd be somehow reverting everything that women have fought for.

And it's not like that.

There is a reason that some things are traditional. And what is so bad about that? Why does everything and everyone have to prove something? It's like, OOH! LOOK HOW FAR I CAN GO!

And all of these thoughts lately have been tying into my different theories and philosophies of the world and of the human condition and I'm beginning to form these thoughts and opinions that some "democrats" (using the term VERY loosely here) would consider "republican" or "conservative."

I believe that the further and further we get into this huge pissing contest of what is more shocking or the next big thing, that the term democrat has been replaced with liberal, thus making democrat more "republican" than a liberal. And just uttering the word republican in public will earn you looks like you just killed a puppy.

What it boils down to is this: If I decided that my relationship was important enough for me to stick around and get an education here, would I be shit upon by everyone and judged because "standing by your man" is too traditional for the nontraditional society?

Doesn't anyone see anymore that it is nice to have someone around? Or is everybody just out to prove that they can do it themselves and be entirely self-sufficient? I call that the "Look ma! No hands!" syndrome. And wholly speaking, if everyone only had their own interests in mind (which most do) wouldn't that just create a war for power or he who with most wins attitude?

What I want for me is to know that I could make it by myself if I had to. And I'm pretty sure I could. But I don't see the point in living this whole wonderful life without having someone there to share it with.

And I'm not necessarily saying with John. But with a somebody. And I don't think it shows a weakness in character. I think it shows integrity and strength that two people who are willing to be with each other and share their lives together. It's something that is majorly lacking in the world today and probably why everyone is bitter and cynical and miserable. Most people are too concerned with themselves and are too tied up in thier own lives to realize that there's a whole group of people out there in the same position. That we're all in the same little lifeboat floating away from the sinking ship. And that by fighting and rocking the little boat, we aren't getting rescued any quicker.

Just some things that were on my mind.

 

Wow.

I'm late for work, but I had to share!

dude, sweet | Sarah Mclachlan

On a lighter note......this is too great not to share!

Last night, I got a phone call during my dad's birthday dinner.

Wait, before I get to the really good part, let me tell you about my dad birthday din-din. I made reservations for 9 of us (annoying grandma who hates me, uncle, mom, sis & her woman, brother & his woman, me & dad) for the restaurant my dad really likes. He invited his friend, Craig, too....so 10 of us.

Let me just say. Wow. How hot is Craig for a mid-40s guy? Me and my mom even took a bathroom break together to discuss how HOT he was. He was Tom Selleck circa Magnum P.I. HOT.

And he's a grandpa!

I bet his liscence plate on his HARLEY (because he rides one) reads 1HOTGPA.

He's absoultely the most charming guy ever. Even my Gram was flirting with him. (I think she was just feeling sexy because she just got new teeth and wanted to show 'em off.)

So I upstaged her. "Oh, Craig! My teeth are real!"

Hahaha. I'm kidding.

Throughout the meal, my mom's tolerance for Budweiser got lower, as did her shirt. I haven't seen her show off so much cleavage since the Bush Sr. Administration, when she was breastfeeding me.

------------back to the originial story------------

Alright. So we all know at this point that my favoritest movie ever (recently, anyway) was WEDDING CRASHERS.

So last night, during my dad's birthday dinner, I get a phone call from my ultra-fab friend Heather.

You're what? You want me to what?! Dude, I am SO there!

She was at a wedding in town! And wanted me to crash it! OPEN BAR!!!!!

Wooooooo!

So, an hour or so later, after pecking Craig on the cheek goodbye (he was going home to his wife, lame)  I show up at the Radisson in a pair of jeans with holes in the knees (haha, no time to go home and change when there's OPEN BAR!) I meet up with a very tipsy Heather, who hands me a Cosmo (she knows me so well) and drags me onto the dancefloor just in time for the electric slide!

I was a real-life wedding crasher!!!!!!!!!

I hung out with the groom for a while at the bar after the reception. His oh-so-tired bride passed out upstairs before they could ...you know, do the "electric slide," if you will. He was bummed, so I bought him a drink. (Actually, I ordered him a drink and left before I could pay for it! Ha! Smooooth!)

Get this. Bride and Groom were 22.

22!

The insanity!

Later that eve, when I untipsy-ed myself, we drove to Wendy's for some 99 cent menu goodness.

We walked up to the doors, doin' the potty dance, to find the doors were locked.

As I turned to walk back to the car, discouraged, Heather begins pounding on the windows!

"I GOTTA PEE! AND I WANT SOME FREAKIN' BURGERS, DAMN IT! LET ME INNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

I love her.

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ART HISTORY!

 

#1 choice HERE

#2 choice HERE

Crap!

discouraged | Sarah Mclachlan

So I thought I had it all figured out.

I finally decided not only on a college, but on my major and possible minors. Woohoo! Right?

Wrong.

Me and Murphy (from Murphy's Law, of course) have become best buds in these last few years. When when when will something work out?!

I sat down to fill out an application to my tenative school and, while flipping through the course catalog and list of majors, I found they didn't have mine! Suprise!

Soooooo....

I hop online to go to my back-up school, this time a school that specializes in my major and! SUPRISE AGAIN! It's a great school....to get a 2 year degree! But wait! I already have one of those!

I am so discouraged.

I know I could go away to school, but at this point in my life...it's not EXACTLY what I want to do. If I went away, I wouldn't be able to keep my job which would allow me to pay some of my college off while still attending and blah blah blah...

I could be flexible and just go away, like sometimes I feel I want to.

This really really really sucks. After this semester, I'm done with all of my classes. And come January, if I am not in school, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!

Work part time?  NO WAY!

I should have my own show.

socially disturbed | The Dresden Dolls

It's my day off (and a rainy one at that) soooooo....I indulged in a little Dr. Phil. Normally, Dr. Phil isn't my usual cup of tea. Sure, he tells it like it is and in many cases, he's right, but to be honest, I'm not a HUGE fan. The show itself upsets me. It shines light on the jerks and basketcases of society, although some more authentic than others.

Today the topic actually interested me. He was holding debates on some recent "hot" issues and was having a guest on each side of the fence showcase their opinion in a representation of sort of the public opinion.

First came the topic of breastfeeding in public.

What do you think? Is it okay for a fine dining resteraunt to become a fine dining breasteraunt?

My opinion on this is...

No. It's not okay to lift up your shirt, baring your breast and sharing more than an appetizer with any one else at the table (or the resteraunt for that matter). However, it's a non-issue if the mother uses discretion by placing a blanket or a throw to cover herself and her child, at the table.

And No. It's not okay for a resteraunt (or any other public domain) to insist that the breastfeeding mother sit in the BATHROOM to feed her child. The act should be regarded and a special room or area should be designated specifically for it. There is nothing okay about having to sit in a grimy restroom to feed an infant.

It should be accepted by society as long as it's kept polite and respectful. Whipping out your breasts to make a statement is not saying "I have to feed my child," it's saying "I'm being an over-activist." Which most activists are.

Moving along....

The second topic of the show was passing out condoms in school. A do or a don't?

On this issue, I have to agree with the Philmeister. He believes that, if coupled with a sex education class, condoms should be available to students.

And I would also like to add that it is very much the parents responsibility to talk to their children about sex. HOWEVER. It is the school's responsibility to teach their children about sex. Parents have been known to be quite biased. Especially mine.

And the third and last issue...Do strangers have the right to discipline someone else's child that is publicly misbehaving?

No.

But they do have the right to be respectful to the parent on the issue. "Your child is disrupting (insert event here), could you please take care of it?"

Dr. Phil gave the example of having a nice meal that you are paying for or tickets you bought to a show, then being interrupted by an unruly child. Of course that is not okay. Remove the child from the situation. That is the parents responsibility that comes with having a child. Dr. Phil calls it "social sensitivity" and I believe that it should be taken into consideration, instead of being in rude in public because you have the right to do so.

It's not a matter of having and overtly exercising the right to do something. It's a matter of appreciating that you have the right to do something and to use some discretion while doing it.

I think that's a big issue with society today. Most people have become unappreciative toward their rights and have begun abusing them in order to make a "statement." There's always someone wanting to make a statement.

Wanna hear my statement?

Play nice.

Blogging is my religion.

religiously frustrated | Hootie and the Blowfish

Ok. I do admit I was very annoyed in the last entry. You have my sincerest apologies.

I'm not going to lie. Initially, when John and I stumbled onto the topic of religion the night we met, I was disappointed. Not necessarily that he was a Christian, but that he wasn't too understanding about mine.

So the other night after the fabuloso cd release party, I was John's d.d. so he could celebrate. On the way back to my house at 4:30 for french toast, conversation somehow shifted from the creepy guy at the bar who hit on me and told me I had a mouth like a sailor, to religion. A topic I told him from the start I didn't want to cover. After all, it's not like we're having a baby together and want it baptized. This was, up until recently, a very fun and relaxed relationship in the zygote stage and I was thoroughly enjoying it. There was no need for this serious of an issue...and inevitably, that serious of a fight.

After an hour or so of him talking about things that I didn't want to listen to and I sat silently on the bed, I told him "I think you should go."

He left my room without a word and I heard the door open. I didn't cry and wasn't too sad, just disappointed that he, of all people, wouldn't listen to a word I had to say on the subject without being called "ignorant."

But before I could even get up to close the door behind him...and us...he was back  in my room and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed. "You know, I really don't want us to be apart."

I told him that I really liked him and that I didn't want us to be apart either. However, there was a compromise to be made.

I told him he did all he could do for me for the time being. And that IF (big IF) and when I decide I want to LEARN anything about it, or hear what he has to say, that I will come to him. And also, it's important for both of us to not denounce or deface the other's beliefs and to not criticize. AND! That in order for this to work, he must also have FAITH in me and in us as well.

Then I told him I was tired and to get out of my face. (It was 6:30 in the morning, damn it. Religion was the LAST thing I wanted to talk about.)

I woke up the next day just in time for work, but was miserable. I knew after the way things went last night that it'd never work out between us. His faith is too important to him and my lack thereof would never satisfy him. He said when he's with someone, he wants be spiritually with them as well. (Apparently "spiritual" to him means Christian. To me, spirituality has little to do with religion and can still be achieved without humping bibles.)

So all day at work, I planned how I was going to break up with him. Even though I really really really really didn't want to. But I just couldn't see any common ground.

So I called him after work and he asked how I was and all I could say was, "I want my Nintendo back."

I don't know what happened. But something did. And we're still together. Very HAPPILY together, I might add.

And last night, I brought the topic of religion up. And I asked him a question about his faith. We got into it a little bit, I'm sure we only scratched the surface....have you ever seen the size of that book? Well anyhow...he answered my question and was very tactful in doing so, and shut up the minute I told him "enough."

If there is some greater unseen force, I can see why he brought us together at this point in our lives. We both could use a little balance.

But that's a big if.

 

Falling.

annoyed | Extraordinary Machine Fiona Apple

The last entry I told you about the good stuff....so here's the inevitable...The Bad.

After witnessing someone get hit by a car, I began having panic attacks every time I get behind the wheel. This is the first time I've had panic attacks since high school. I didn't miss them. I'm okay behind the wheel now, but the panic attacks are still very much present for different reasons.

Like the impending winter. The impending miserableness of it. The cold, the snow...the Mother Nature f-ing with your plans. I want to cry just thinking about it.

Even though it's been less than 2 months, John and I do have our issues. And my, what BIG issues they are. Who woulda thought that one night of great impromtu scromping would turn into heated discussions (to say the least) on whether or not God exists...who woulda thought that the hawtie band singer is a slight bible thumper, wanting to turn me into his very own bible case study.

We've finally reached a compromise after some brutal arguements....but....

I'm not sure I can get past it.

I accept who he is and his faith and all....but I cannot accept that he "will pray for me on his own time that one day I will see the light."

Just get me a gun, please.

I will be damned the one day that things will actually work out for me.

I still really like him. But when he's like that, it's impossible for me to. I feel like he will never see me as a good person unless I somehow become a Christian. (Not happening, FYI.) And considering all the things I do for him ...like cooking for him because he's homeless and poor...taking him to school when I can, so he doesn't have to walk. But all of that aside, if I'm not Christian, I'm no good.

I'm very fortunate to have him in my life, because I really do care for him and enjoy helping him out when I can and spending time with him...I just wish something that means so little to me and means the world to him didn't have to come between us. My brain doesn't think in terms of serving some greater unseen force. And it kind of scares me that he does.

To be completely honest.

I don't know.

All I know is that it hurts. And it sucks. And I can't see what to do from here. With him. Or with me. Or with anything.

Where'd my other shoe go?

Oh, it seems to have dropped.

Clutter

sleepy | Her Space Holiday

I just finally got to sit down in front of my computer...I hadn't realized how messy my desktop (both of 'em) got.

I have pay stubs and bank slips in a pile with reciepts and shirt tags (just in case, you never know) ... bandaids and Dr. Scholls, to get rid of that pesky wart on my foot...a stack of books that I started reading. I'm a total Gemini (if you believe in that stuff...or if you just think it's cool, like me) I start one, I start a bunch...let's just see if I finish now. I'm reading "100 People Who Are Screwing Up America (And Al Franken is #37" (c'mon, who isn't reading it?) "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" (I'm a little behind) "The Miracle of Jimmy Carter" (I'm dying to know what the actual miracle is) "Survivor" by Chuck Palahunik (I'm reading this on accident. A coworker of mine left it in the breakroom and I picked it up and started reading it and WHOA! (said like Joey Lawrence) it's dayum good!)

Kat left me a cd on my desk..."Her Space Holiday" ...loving that.

I have my digital camera plugged in and uploading onto my pc...if you look at the pictures above you will see...

Me & Lauren....my new and fabulous friend.

Me & John...my new and fabulous boyfriend. or whatever. (see what being single for so long does to you?)

Someone get me a towel.

No, seriously.

John has a mangina. His crotch somehow ripped during band practice. He wore his pants like this when he met my dad for the first time. That went real well.

Me and my new and fabulous friend Maria.

He looks like he's smothered in Vaseline (tm).

I'm a real bad photographer. I tried to be discreet though, so I wasn't the girlfriend with trigger happy camera finger.

These pictures were from his cd release party. And allow me, if you will, to DISCREETLY name drop for a moment and implement the use of hyperlinks to direct you places.

Seriously, check them out. Idol Hands

 

The party was really fun. I got to dress up and be my fabulous self and play lead singer's girlfriend. Totally RAWKS, people.

That's the good stuff I've been up to. In a pile of thoughts.