the diary of a madwoman.

no more of this.

the rebuilding of---the creation of---breakthroughs and revelations. it is what it is. a mess. i am. so many times i've tried to feel good, to learn and relearn, to take baby steps, to take it one day at a time. i am unaccepting of the truth that these things will not work. not being good enough or strong enough or giving it a bigger chance. i gave it a chance. i gave it a million chances. a million chances too many. i dont't feel right, i don't feel okay and no, there isnt a reason why. the back and forth, the pissing contests, take it all back. i'm just making a huge mistake. and you all have watched as i crashed and burned and let down and fought back. now just leave me here. theres nothing you can do. helpless. lost cause. i hate and am hated for my inconsistent efforts and motions. broken down. don't try to understand. you won't. you can't. i don't. it's bigger than me. and bigger than the facade of happiness. starting over. coming home. home. the idea of a mental state, bloodless. i want to wake up alone every morning. don't look at me. and don't bother. do nothing. this is what a waste looks like. it's all my drug. push me far away, hide me in a box in the corner of your closet and think of me in springtime when the ice is melting away and its becoming warm again. warmth. hanging up and shutting down. i'm starting to push back now. feel it disappear...