Pray it all away.

sad | all of the noise in my head

Tonight on the way home from work I passed a body lying in the street. His bike was a few yards away, the back tire spinning. A car was parked with it's flashers behind him.

I called 911. I wished there was more I could do.

I went to John's a little while later, still really upset and he told me all I could do was pray for him.

I think that was the first time I really wished I could pray. And I tried it for a little while, while we laid in bed but I couldn't. My mind just kept listening to the ticking of the clock on his wall. It was funny I never seemed to notice it before. I closed my eyes and all I could see was his body and all the people standing around him. The back tire still spinning. My gasp. I finally gave up and got up and got dressed, told John goodnight and got in my car. I felt really small behind the wheel, all of a sudden. I drove back to where it happened only a few hours before.

As I suspected, it was like any other night...I was the only car on the road at 2 a.m. I wondered if anything really happened at all.

I turned around to drive home and saw a star twinkling in the sky.

I prayed.

What lays ahead...

reflective | "Beast of Honor"

For some reason, I woke up earlier than usual this morning. I rolled out of bed at the crack of 9:30 and found myself with a whole day ahead of me.

It was 10:30-ish by the time I left my house to go get coffee. And as I drove, for once not rushed to get to school or work, I noticed something.

The leaves are beginning to change.

And then I noticed something else. I had a sweater with me and my windows were only rolled halfway down. Fall is officially here.

Initially I was sad to leave my summer behind. My summer that was the best summer of my life. It started out perfect with a wonderful birthday and then a trip to Europe... and finally meeting one of my bestest online friends ever (I met Amber through AOL Journals!), taking Sean to Six Flags before he left for Florida and having a kickass time, getting to know and falling in love with the wonder that is Katarina...hanging out at the movie theater and seeing Wedding Crashers wayyyy too many times...not to mention being promoted and getting two raises. I got to go off-roading in my baby (allow me to introduce you to my fabulous truck!) ... Damn, this summer has been perfection.

I'm sorta sad to see it go.

However...

This fall is looking pretty good as well. I've already been baking, since autumn is the time for pie and have been feeding all my friends and coworkers. I've got my trip to D.C. in less than a month, I'm adoring my Art class and even more than that...I'm adoring John. *giggles like the TOTAL girl she is*

It's a time for change, corny I know, but it's very welcomed.

 

AOL NEWS : holy squid!

rolling my eyes | Auf Der Maur (seriously, what else is new?)

C'mon, really. Don't we have BIGGER problems?

Howabout that BIG problem over there in Iraq? Or that BIG problem-o down in Lousiana and the Gulf states? How about the BIG problem with BIGGIE-sizing everything?

Let's lay off the BIG SQUID. Just because it's BIG doesn't make it breaking news. Really people, work with me here.

I think we have BIGGER issues, no?

Swiss miss? I do. Miss it, that is.

nostalgic | Auf Der Maur

Ok, ok. So it's not the Journal I promised. But I did want you guys to see my pictures, so here they are.

This group was from the 4th day in Luzern. We took a tram to the top of the Alps (Mount Pilatus, to be exact) where we had lunch before taking a trainride down the side.

After the tram ride up and the train ride back down, we got on a boat and cruised back into town. The boat ride was amazing. I took tons of pictures because every view was different, each beautiful in their own way.

We met a group of French men that were released from the Swiss Army that day and one of the guys who didn't speak very good English told me his name was Phil Collins. I snapped a photo of him and mentioned if he were to Google himself he'd find this picture. His friend translated to which Phil Collins replied with a look of disgust, "You bitch."

Phil Collins called me a bitch.

And that folks, is my grandest memory of my voyage to Switzerland.

Jennifer tagged me! I'm telling! MOM!

going through the motions | Auf Der Maur

I've actually done this one before...

1.  Go into your archive. 
2.  Find your 23rd post. 
3.  Find the 5th sentence of that post.
4.  Post text of that sentence with these instructions.
5.  Tag 5 other people to do the same:

Mine 23rd post goes as follows:

Tis The Season to be Disgruntled

 

I'm sitting here in the midst of piles and piles of Christmas presents. I do realize that I will drown in them until that fateful day which could come sooner if it'd like. I've almost had my fill of red and green and "Joy to the World" and of that so-called "Christmas Cheer." You know, that cheer that makes crazy mothers and fathers push and shove you into the giraffe display at Toys R Us, that same "Holiday Cheer" that makes the disgruntled sales clerks grit thier teeth if one more person asks for the "doll that poops all over," or "that video game with you know, that superhero."

And what I'm sick of most isn't the long lines or the hiked up prices or the crying little banshee children, what I'm fed up with is the actual term "Holiday Season." Last time I checked there weren't 5 seasons: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall and Holiday. No. This is not the "Holiday Season." This is pre-winter, this is post-fall, but Holiday? Uh-uh. What makes Christmas more holiday-y than say, Veterans Day? The fourth of July? Because there's a fat man that rides around in the sky in a sleigh with velvety bags filled with gifts for all of those who were good this year? Or because egg nog is in season (the winter season, not the holiday season!)? Or is it just because there's a tree involved? Because you know, anytime there's a tree involved it makes it more of a holiday! NO! NO! NO!

Why the decorations? Why the profuse spending? Why the trees in the house?! TREES BELONG OUTSIDE! DUH!

 

So next time you're being tossed around in the aisles of a toy store, remember that you are only there adding to the madness. And that you should leave, IMMEDIATELY. Drop whatever inane gift you have in your hand for Aunt Polly or your daughter's college roomates boyfriend's parents neighbors and leave. Head out of the store, shield yourself from any flying carts and seek shelter in your car. Then, drive home, open some canned cranberry sauce and wish it was Thanksgiving everyday.

Have a lovely day and watch out for any loose shopping carts falling from the sky.

 

And my 5 invitations to do the same are:

1- Kathleen  (who can totally just substitute pictures of her adorable son, Isaac)

2- Leslie (who has been MIA from Journal Land forever!)

3- Amber on her Xanga account

4- Kat on her LJ

5- Anthony on his LJ

 

 

Now I've seen it all.

shocked | I <3 Huckabees!

dog becomes registered voter

You don't even have to click on it. I know.

I know.

"you are so decentralized"

hungry | Duran Duran

And so continues the year of the travelling girl.

October 20th, it's all about D.C., baby.  : )

It's about time I had another vacation.

And tonight, I'm thinking about Kathleen, who is more than likely in labor...stop by and leave her and her new son Isaac some lovin'.

 

||||good news|||||

sleepy | good news auf der maur

Feeling better    : )

Wake me up...

sad | when september ends Green Day

Still not feeling better.

My mom even suprised me with presents this morning to try and cheer me up, but to no avail. She bought me 4 boxes of tissues for my room and a calendar of Italy.

I talked to Mario last night out of nowhere. He's still that same fucked-up, ever so melodramatic trainwreck. He made his bed, let him lie in it. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time and energy on such a lost cause. I was certain he was the one, but last night I realized that my one would never treat me like that. I guess it is true what they say, you can't choose who you love. Or loved.

I just hope I never have to see or hear from him again. I want to move forwards, not backwards. And I want to do it with someone who deserves me. He never did.

I was thinking about sending him a singing telegram. Just to say that I think you are a huge piece of crap. With warm regards, Marissa.

I'm just sad. Not really about any of that bullshit, but just with other things. Alot of my friends have let me down...and I have let myself down alot, too. I wish September could be over.

My parents are leaving for Thanksgiving, which means....POTLUCK T'GIVING AT MY HOUSE! Whose in charge of the potluck keg?!

When my sister moved out, she took all of the Sex and the City dvds with her. I'm TOTALLY going through withdrawals. I could really use something to boost my seretonin levels...

the second hand feeding.

sad doesn't begin to describe it | Clock  Milla Jovovich

I seriously think I am going crazy.

My mom picked me up from work today and as soon as I got in the car, I started crying. She asked me if I would go into the grocery store with her and it made me cry harder.  

I cannot believe the shitstorm that has been sent my way. And I further cannot decipher my emotions - - - it's too soon to be PMS, it could be the anitbiotics for my obnoxious UTI, could be the change of the seasons....could be PEOPLE. Like family people. And ex-people. And people who like to post internet outreaches instead of big grand movie-like gestures. People who are fickle and selfish and indecisive and MEAN. People who are arrogant and overly-stuck on themselves and talk down to people. People who don't pay people back! People who get mad at you for not wanting to kiss them! People who send you explicit pictures without warning! And customer people. Crabby customer people, for that matter.  (sorry about that. just had some things I wanted to vaguely get off my chest.)

I feel like everything I worked so hard to put back together is falling apart. Just call me Humpty Dumpty. (The Dumpty's could've used an updated baby name book.) My summer was so beyond unforgettable and utterly amazing...and here comes fall...ing apart.

I feel like time is the wet blanket to my fire.

 

would if i could.

awful | would if i could Auf Der Mar

I sometimes forget that I am writing this journal for me. I feel like I want to be entertaining for the few people who actually do read this and I feel guilty for being bad at updating and for not finishing things....I don't know.

Today was weird.

I keep having these images of myself running ...not like a marathon or anything, but more like away from everything and from everyone. I have this need to GET OUT. I want to be ALONE. I can't have my parents prodding at me for useless tidbits of information and I can't have them knowing everything and questioning my existence. And it's that stupid car. The one they let me drive. That's the nail in the coffin.

Kat and I are starting to look at places (and by look I mean too lazy to look) so that maybe we could move out and in together. But we wouldn't have a car. And I don't mind the Utica Transit Authority at all, it's just I don't wanna be riding that shit at 10:30 at night when I get out of work. Everything is an effing trade-off. I want something to be easy. For once.

I feel like I want some sort of resolution.

I'm starting to really like John. And it's absolutely scary. I'm still unsure of calling him my boyfriendorwhatever. I liked it when he was just the guy I was sleeping with. I didn't really think it'd be anything more than gettin' our honk on in my truck. But now it's the holding hands and the actual SLEEPING together. I find myself really happy to see him. And it's nice having someone say they like you and not treat you like absolute shit. And allow me to reiterate that he's totally HAWT when he sings.

I feel like there are so many things I need to accomplish but can't with my parents breathing down my neck every 2 seconds. And they take such a offense. "You wanna move out? Why? Are we that awful?"

BUT THATS NOT IT! YOU GUYS ARE NOT LISTENING! KEY WORD BEING LISTENING!!!!!!!

I want to be alone. I don't want to answer you questions. I don't want to live off of you my entire life. I want my own life. I want my own kitchen so I can use my own plates and cook the kind of food I want. I want to have friends over. I want to get my honk on. I want to be an ADULT. There, I said it. I want to be responsible for me. And I think I'm at that age where it's time I learned so I don't end up living in this house for 20 more years with a part time retail job. I don't want to need you guys anymore. I want to need me. And you just don't get it.

I feel SO guilty. They give me everything, including $65/week to fill up the truck that they let me use. And they feed me and give me a roof over my head. I'm the last one. My brother and sister don't come around much anymore and my mom doesn't have any friends. I'm her buddy. The thought of her sitting alone day after day hurts me. And the tought of my dad coming home to a quiet house after working 10 hours breaks my heart. Is this all there is? Without their kids, what else do they have? They aren't exactly the kind of people that go out to dinner with friends or have card games at the house. They have their kids over for big dinners. We're their people.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I'm not being selfish. I'm simply wanting to grow up. My everything is telling me it's time. It feels so big inside of me.

And I can tell my brother is not okay. His girlfriend lost the baby. She moved in and he hasn't really been around much. I stopped by yesterday and neither of them had much to say about anything. I'm not crazy about her. She's rude and gives my family dirty looks.

Today would've been my brother's 4th wedding anniversary. She took everything and ran, left us with $100,000 in debt. I never saw her again. I never said goodbye. But something tells me I wouldn't have been able to. It was too much.

Neither my brother nor my sister call me. I always do the calling. And the planning. It's too much for just me to hold this family together. And what would happen if I left?

I'm just so...sad. I'm sad here. I want to misplace it. I want it to get lost in a truckful of moving boxes. Twenty years seems like too long to still be living here. To still be doing this. I'm still a fucking student. ...But that's a whole 'nother chestnut.

I hope this funk leaves me soon.

For today Im lost without you,
Forgot the way to be without you.

Yeah you know I would stay alone,
Yes i would if I could stay alone.

But for today Im lost without you,
I need a way to be without you,
Need a way to find just a few of you.

Yeah you know I would stay alone,
Yes I would if I could stay at home,
Dont you know I would if I could?

Remember the day I was lost without you?
I found a friend who laughs just like you.
Yes I would stay alone,
Yes I would if I could.

 

Is that a pig that just flew by?

Brr, it sure is cold here in hell since it froze over | I'd like you to meet my pet unicorn

 

Britney Spears has baby boy 

Let me just say...oh my god. What's next? Hanson's 401k? ...(wow, that is so not the equivalent)...

It's going to be a great looking baby. And by great looking I mean totally ugly.

Someone go find Ross Perot and tell him I thought he was a great President.

...someone pinch me. 

a 6..2..4...7! 7! 7! YES! 7!

orgasmic | The Ramones

7 Things I Can Do   (in no particular order)

1- sing all of "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera backwards.

2- bake pies

3- wear a fabulous outfit that costs less than $20, including shoes.

4- play guitar

5- drop it like its hott

6- and consequently, shake it like a Polaroid.

7- not resist getting Sno Caps at the movies.

7 Things I Can't Do  (in no particular order)

1- parallel park

2- spell PARALLEL without looking it up.

3- keep secrets

4- listen to screaming children

5- throw a Frisbee properly

6- update my journal with a decent entry. (hence why I'm doing this. FILLER! FILLER!)

7- go one day without hugging my best stuffed animal friend, Fluffy.

 

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex  (in no particular order)

1- ARMS.

2- good kisser, and I've had my share of bad ones.

3- sense of humor

4- sense of humility

5- respectful

6- good HAIR!

7- must find me AMAZING.

7 Things I Say Most Often    (in no particular order)

1- F*** around and get shot.

2- Kemosabi is gonna get some flavor.

3- homeskizzy

4- I heart you.

5- Thank you for calling Michaels of New Hartford, this is Marissa speaking how may I direct your call?

6- Cruskie out.

7- sketchy stoner!

7 Celebrity Crushes  (in no particular order)

1- Vince Vaughn

2- Ray Romano

3- Natalie Portman

4- Jon Bon Jovi

5- Milla Jovovich

6- Bam Margera

7- Josh Groban  (yeah, I said it.)

 

Workin' on the Chain Gang...

frustrated | Sam Cook

I've reached my breaking point.

I am 20 years old. It's time to MOVE OUT. I seemed to have outgrown the parental penitentiary.

Now the only question is how.

You hit the G-spot.

congested | Auf Der Mar

I'm feeling a bit antisocial, I suppose.

I've been meaning to post the rest of my pictures and stories from my trip but I never seem to get around to it. I'm an asshole, forgive me.

So this someone that I mentioned...

He's a someone. I like him. Alot. His name is John and he's the lead singer of a band. How cliche' am I?

We met a few weeks ago at one of his shows. His best friend is dating one of my coworkers and I guess one night he came in the store and saw me and thought I was the female equivalent of a stud muffin. Then he saw my truck. Vroom Vroom.

The night of his show we talked and had drinks and talked some more and...one thing led to another, yadda yadda yadda....fast forward two weeks and ready, set, relationship.

He even called me the G-word.

...and I TOTALLY freaked out.

I can't be someone's girlfriend. I'm out of practice. I'm scared. I have future plans that don't include someone else.

But he's so much fun. We have sleepovers and play Nintendo and watch Conan together. And he's so unbelievably delicious when he sings. And when he comes over all sweaty and gives me a big kiss and hug right when he's done. How lucky am I?

And he's SMART.

There are things about him that initially I wasn't so crazy about. Our religious and political beliefs are strikingly dissimilar and going into it I thought these things would become dealbreakers, but they haven't. I accept him for who he is and he accepts me for who I am.

And when we're together we are a SUPERPOWER.

I'm sorry. I needed to gush.

How's that for a G-word?

 

Beast of Honor - Auf Der Maur

I’m a taste test, at the beast fest,
Got your crest on my breast
Take one look at your cook
Feed yourself, I'm on a hook

(At this feast of ours)

The feast taste, you could say
Paints my taste on his face
(I’m in disguise, at this feast of ours, hours of devours)

Fall into the arms
Of a souvenir of healing
What a weak feeder, oh oh oh

Fall into the arms
Of a souvenir of healing
What a weak feeder, oh oh oh

I’m a harm healer
Such a weak feeder
What a gut teaser on a hook
I’m on a hook, I'm on a hook
Smell that cook
No more ditch dealer
I’m your dream digger

At this feast of ours,
I’m the beast of honor, Honor

Fall into the arms
Of a souvenir of healing
What a weak feeder, oh oh oh

I’m in disguise,
At this feast of ours

I love being purple.

Your Blog Should Be Purple
You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

 

I'm baaaack. My computer is fixed.

And damn, I have ALOT to say.

What else is new?

Well I'll Be Darned.

disturbingly giddy | Auf Der Mar

I know, I know. It's been way too long. The thing is, my laptop had a little bit of an eSTD and I had to pay a visit to the Geek Squad over at Best Buy to give my baby a 'lil checkup. So now I'm trying to get used to dial-up on top of the weird keyboard on Fath's computer.

My journal entries and account of my trip will soon hopefully resume. And as for me, well...I've been keeping busy. You read it here first...I met someone. Or someone who could maybe be a someone. But shhh...

Keep it on the DL.

Me? I'm just gonna enjoy this one while it lasts.

See you in a few.

: )