Falling.

annoyed | Extraordinary Machine Fiona Apple

The last entry I told you about the good stuff....so here's the inevitable...The Bad.

After witnessing someone get hit by a car, I began having panic attacks every time I get behind the wheel. This is the first time I've had panic attacks since high school. I didn't miss them. I'm okay behind the wheel now, but the panic attacks are still very much present for different reasons.

Like the impending winter. The impending miserableness of it. The cold, the snow...the Mother Nature f-ing with your plans. I want to cry just thinking about it.

Even though it's been less than 2 months, John and I do have our issues. And my, what BIG issues they are. Who woulda thought that one night of great impromtu scromping would turn into heated discussions (to say the least) on whether or not God exists...who woulda thought that the hawtie band singer is a slight bible thumper, wanting to turn me into his very own bible case study.

We've finally reached a compromise after some brutal arguements....but....

I'm not sure I can get past it.

I accept who he is and his faith and all....but I cannot accept that he "will pray for me on his own time that one day I will see the light."

Just get me a gun, please.

I will be damned the one day that things will actually work out for me.

I still really like him. But when he's like that, it's impossible for me to. I feel like he will never see me as a good person unless I somehow become a Christian. (Not happening, FYI.) And considering all the things I do for him ...like cooking for him because he's homeless and poor...taking him to school when I can, so he doesn't have to walk. But all of that aside, if I'm not Christian, I'm no good.

I'm very fortunate to have him in my life, because I really do care for him and enjoy helping him out when I can and spending time with him...I just wish something that means so little to me and means the world to him didn't have to come between us. My brain doesn't think in terms of serving some greater unseen force. And it kind of scares me that he does.

To be completely honest.

I don't know.

All I know is that it hurts. And it sucks. And I can't see what to do from here. With him. Or with me. Or with anything.

Where'd my other shoe go?

Oh, it seems to have dropped.