stream of consciousness.

intuitive | One Love Hootie & the Blowfish

The weather is absurd. It's affecting everybody. I don't think I've come into contact with one happy person in the last week and a half. My mother and I went for a drive today in the pouring rain and I saw a teeny tiny patch of blue sky and felt a little glimmer of hope well up in my chest. It was a major tease. And then it poured some more.

The weather in combination with EVERYTHING else has got me in quite the pickle. I'm starting to understand that every aspect of my life has some weird connection or parallel to every decision I find myself unable to make.

Deadlines for college applications are approaching...I think it's November 1st for most places. My heart was really set on Art History, but nowhere around here offers it. And I'm sure I won't have time in the next week to visit and apply to any colleges really...and to get all sorts of scholarships and financial aid. There's just no time. I need someone to hold my hand and guide me through the process apparently.

I merely mentioned I was thinking about going away to school and John throws a huge shit fit.

I don't know what I think or feel. About anything. I tried looking deep into my heart and all I find is black uncertainty. This is not where I wanted to be. I've been doing this indecisive bit for close to 3 years now. I think I think too much. That's what I think.

There are some things I know I want, but just don't know how to get to them. I want my own apartment. Preferably alone. I don't think there is one person that I could live with and tolerate for a long stretch of time, aside from Stephanie. But Stephanie just bought a house with her tempermental boyfriend. And she never calls me anymore.

Or maybe John. But it's too soon for that. And with John lately...I just don't know.

I'm torn between these decisions and its extra frustrating that I can't really talk to any of my friends about it anymore without feeling I'm being judged by them.

And I've started to wonder how many of my friends are really true friends. Alot of them, I've realized, are sort of temporary. But maybe there's nothing wrong with that? I just wish I had someone that was always there for me and the comfort of knowing that they always will be, and that I could do that for them.

And I feel like so much of my pending decisions are already made for me and cut and dry, in a sense. Like I know what I should or what society thinks I should do...and in regards to the ultra-radical feminism that has replaced societal and gender roles today, I feel like if I chose to stick with my relationship instead of maybe going away to school that I'd be somehow reverting everything that women have fought for.

And it's not like that.

There is a reason that some things are traditional. And what is so bad about that? Why does everything and everyone have to prove something? It's like, OOH! LOOK HOW FAR I CAN GO!

And all of these thoughts lately have been tying into my different theories and philosophies of the world and of the human condition and I'm beginning to form these thoughts and opinions that some "democrats" (using the term VERY loosely here) would consider "republican" or "conservative."

I believe that the further and further we get into this huge pissing contest of what is more shocking or the next big thing, that the term democrat has been replaced with liberal, thus making democrat more "republican" than a liberal. And just uttering the word republican in public will earn you looks like you just killed a puppy.

What it boils down to is this: If I decided that my relationship was important enough for me to stick around and get an education here, would I be shit upon by everyone and judged because "standing by your man" is too traditional for the nontraditional society?

Doesn't anyone see anymore that it is nice to have someone around? Or is everybody just out to prove that they can do it themselves and be entirely self-sufficient? I call that the "Look ma! No hands!" syndrome. And wholly speaking, if everyone only had their own interests in mind (which most do) wouldn't that just create a war for power or he who with most wins attitude?

What I want for me is to know that I could make it by myself if I had to. And I'm pretty sure I could. But I don't see the point in living this whole wonderful life without having someone there to share it with.

And I'm not necessarily saying with John. But with a somebody. And I don't think it shows a weakness in character. I think it shows integrity and strength that two people who are willing to be with each other and share their lives together. It's something that is majorly lacking in the world today and probably why everyone is bitter and cynical and miserable. Most people are too concerned with themselves and are too tied up in thier own lives to realize that there's a whole group of people out there in the same position. That we're all in the same little lifeboat floating away from the sinking ship. And that by fighting and rocking the little boat, we aren't getting rescued any quicker.

Just some things that were on my mind.