Getting on the plane last night to come home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Knowing the plane was going in the wrong direction, away from Mario and Stephanie, and flying into a place I once called home. I was flying into deadlines and school and divorce and to heart problems...I was crashing into a completely different world that I was coming from.
When we got on the plane Monday morning, my stomach was in knots not knowing what I would feel the next time I was on the ground. I had a boy waiting there to pick me up that I hadn't seen in 6 months...I didn't know what to think or how to feel. It didn't seem like I was taking a vacation at all. I felt like I was going to bury the remains of once what was, but then the plane landed and I got off with my heart in my carry-on luggage and ran into the arms of the same person I fell for a year ago. Nothing had changed. It was still him. And it was still us.
Almost instantly I felt the heaviness of the anxiety and the stress lift and I settled into the same ease I once revelled in with him. And I got my kiss. Times a million.
The week was great. We went shopping (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we went to Universal Studios where we were undoubtedly the most charming people in Toon Town. I'm telling you, people can't keep away from us. They practically throw roses at our feet! Okay, okay. Not roses. More like Express passes for the FLUME ride to make the 60 minute wait go by just a little faster!
But back to shopping...GUCCI AND PRADA AND JIMMY CHOO OH MY! I think I'm in luuuurrrrvve!!!
The weather was gorgeous. Every morning (or afternoon by the time he'd wake up!) we'd awake to wonderful un-snowy weather. My feet were smiling all day in their sandals. A forty degree difference from what I flew into last night.
By the time Friday morning rolled around, my heart was starting to sink knowing I was going to break in two by the time my plane left. I had waited so long for this...and now it was over. And I kept thinking to myself, how am I going to do this?
Leaving Mario was hard enough, but knowing Steph wasn't coming back made it all the more harder. Her and I became inseperable in the last weeks after she decided to fly down to FLA with me to move in with her boyfriend. I got to see her almost everyday I was there and I thought I mentally prepared myself well enough to say goodbye, but you can never really be ready for those sorts of things.
I didn't bother preparing myself to say goodbye to Mario. I knew it was going to be awful. I cried most of the day, punctuated with retail therapy at the Mall of Millenia. And our last hour together was the hardest. I couldn't see how I could leave him again. Once was enough. There was no way I could do it again. But sure enough, I gathered myself together and he drove me to the airport just in time for me to walk out of his arms and onto a plane back home. But I felt more like I was leaving home. I mean, we went shoe shopping for chrissakes! The way to this girl's heart is through her feet! (And her wallet, apparently.)
I cried as I walked up the stairs and as I turned back to see him just once more. I cried through being frisked by airport security and as they checked my ticket at the gate. But it's not until the terminal that the tears really began to pour. There was a crying child behind me. It was then I knew this was going to be an awful flight.
I had three seats all to myself but still I say all couped up in the corner near the window, a gargantuan pile of sopping tissues in my hands, as I felt the idea of a heart breaking within me.
We took off into a pitch black sky that seemed too infinite for comfort. Below me, I saw the tiny lightning bugs of car headlights moving on the veins of the city. I saw a million streetlights and felt like they were stars beneath me. I hated knowing that we were moving in two different directions. And that each breath I took it was further away.
After the first half hour, I began to settle in and eat my pretzels, sip on ice cold gingerale and thumb through my Lucky Magazine. I guess I'm doin' fine.
Got off the plane, exhausted, the onset of a migraine and puffy eyes greeted my parents at the baggage claim. It was the beginning of a love hangover. I crawled into my bed 2 hours later and found I couldn't sleep. I woke up alone.
...I'm sure you all know what the palm trees are like anyway. No need for me to explain.
You and Me - Lifehouse
What day is it
and in what month
this clock never seems so alive
i cant keep up and i cant back down ive been losing so much time
cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i dont know why i cant keep my eyes off of you
what are the things that i want to say
just arent coming out right
im tripping on words
you got my head spinning
i dont know where to go from here
cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and i dont know why i cant keep my eyes off of you
something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
3 comments:
Oh, I have been so there. And my heart is breaking all over again, cause I know the pain of saying goodbye. Have you looked into colleges down there?
Hopefully the joy of the week will be enough to keep you smiling, even though it would be more fun to be back there. I mean, the shoes, the shoes. They're calling your name.
Good to have you back, even though I know you wish you weren't.
~~ jennifer
It sounds like you had an amazing time while it lasted.
Get a job down there this summer, there's always something going on in Florida!
I'd say you could live with me, but I'll be living four hours away from Orlando...not really helping your cause.
I hope your feet are still happy though your heart isn't.
I've had heartache, and I hate it, I can't imagine going through it twice, again.
You're very strong.
Kathleen
Marissa my love, i miss you too. Men do they understand the sacrifices we make for them? apparently not...err. Everything seems like the end, stay strong...like you always tell me. my heart is breaking along with yours, i hate seeing you, hearing you, and feeling you cry. crying is so horriable but i guess its our release from all the nightmares that live within us. God knows it doesn't make anything better. you are something beautiful and special, Mario is the one for you i saw it too, the way he looks at you, i see that he doesn't want to hurt you in anyway, its only been a few days without him...he will realize with time what you mean to hom and exactly what he's missing, absence makes the heart grow fonder, things can change for the better, don't wallow in self pity, you did everything you could do while in FLA, you mean something to him i felt while i was with you two. i miss you a whole lot, my days without you are horriable atleast i had you here while i could, thank you, i miss you and tracy! Not knowing is the worst, if only we knew whats going to happen with our lives, but the men in our lives seem to be predicting that...how fair is that?! Love you stay strong im only a phone call away....
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