would if i could.

awful | would if i could Auf Der Mar

I sometimes forget that I am writing this journal for me. I feel like I want to be entertaining for the few people who actually do read this and I feel guilty for being bad at updating and for not finishing things....I don't know.

Today was weird.

I keep having these images of myself running ...not like a marathon or anything, but more like away from everything and from everyone. I have this need to GET OUT. I want to be ALONE. I can't have my parents prodding at me for useless tidbits of information and I can't have them knowing everything and questioning my existence. And it's that stupid car. The one they let me drive. That's the nail in the coffin.

Kat and I are starting to look at places (and by look I mean too lazy to look) so that maybe we could move out and in together. But we wouldn't have a car. And I don't mind the Utica Transit Authority at all, it's just I don't wanna be riding that shit at 10:30 at night when I get out of work. Everything is an effing trade-off. I want something to be easy. For once.

I feel like I want some sort of resolution.

I'm starting to really like John. And it's absolutely scary. I'm still unsure of calling him my boyfriendorwhatever. I liked it when he was just the guy I was sleeping with. I didn't really think it'd be anything more than gettin' our honk on in my truck. But now it's the holding hands and the actual SLEEPING together. I find myself really happy to see him. And it's nice having someone say they like you and not treat you like absolute shit. And allow me to reiterate that he's totally HAWT when he sings.

I feel like there are so many things I need to accomplish but can't with my parents breathing down my neck every 2 seconds. And they take such a offense. "You wanna move out? Why? Are we that awful?"

BUT THATS NOT IT! YOU GUYS ARE NOT LISTENING! KEY WORD BEING LISTENING!!!!!!!

I want to be alone. I don't want to answer you questions. I don't want to live off of you my entire life. I want my own life. I want my own kitchen so I can use my own plates and cook the kind of food I want. I want to have friends over. I want to get my honk on. I want to be an ADULT. There, I said it. I want to be responsible for me. And I think I'm at that age where it's time I learned so I don't end up living in this house for 20 more years with a part time retail job. I don't want to need you guys anymore. I want to need me. And you just don't get it.

I feel SO guilty. They give me everything, including $65/week to fill up the truck that they let me use. And they feed me and give me a roof over my head. I'm the last one. My brother and sister don't come around much anymore and my mom doesn't have any friends. I'm her buddy. The thought of her sitting alone day after day hurts me. And the tought of my dad coming home to a quiet house after working 10 hours breaks my heart. Is this all there is? Without their kids, what else do they have? They aren't exactly the kind of people that go out to dinner with friends or have card games at the house. They have their kids over for big dinners. We're their people.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I'm not being selfish. I'm simply wanting to grow up. My everything is telling me it's time. It feels so big inside of me.

And I can tell my brother is not okay. His girlfriend lost the baby. She moved in and he hasn't really been around much. I stopped by yesterday and neither of them had much to say about anything. I'm not crazy about her. She's rude and gives my family dirty looks.

Today would've been my brother's 4th wedding anniversary. She took everything and ran, left us with $100,000 in debt. I never saw her again. I never said goodbye. But something tells me I wouldn't have been able to. It was too much.

Neither my brother nor my sister call me. I always do the calling. And the planning. It's too much for just me to hold this family together. And what would happen if I left?

I'm just so...sad. I'm sad here. I want to misplace it. I want it to get lost in a truckful of moving boxes. Twenty years seems like too long to still be living here. To still be doing this. I'm still a fucking student. ...But that's a whole 'nother chestnut.

I hope this funk leaves me soon.

For today Im lost without you,
Forgot the way to be without you.

Yeah you know I would stay alone,
Yes i would if I could stay alone.

But for today Im lost without you,
I need a way to be without you,
Need a way to find just a few of you.

Yeah you know I would stay alone,
Yes I would if I could stay at home,
Dont you know I would if I could?

Remember the day I was lost without you?
I found a friend who laughs just like you.
Yes I would stay alone,
Yes I would if I could.