Hunger hurts.

I feel worn out, exhausted, mentally and otherwise. Last night was one of the most draining nights in a long time. The combination of family, alcohol and depression lead me to a sleepless night and phone call out of desperation.

I don't know why I called. Or what it was that I wanted to talk about, or, more importantly, what I wanted to hear. I knew nothing was going to change, the same way it never changed before and the same way it will never change.

I called Mario. And bawled my little heart out.

I felt like screaming, like pounding my fists into pillows, just for some release, a little resolve. I dream about him and think about him all the time, it's constant, like this thick heavy fog that never lifts. And I don't understand why. How many times do I need to hear the silence after an "I Love You" to get that he doesn't want me?

It's silly, I know. I must seem like such a trainwreck, a stalker or something. I wish I could just leave him alone. He doesn't need this. I don't need this.

But then I think, maybe it's not him I want. Maybe it's what he could give to me that I want. A relationship. Love. Someone to love. Maybe I don't want to be alone anymore, or forever for that matter.

But why Mario? Is it true that we all want what we can't have? Is he my proverbial forbidden fruit?

Well you know what I say to that?

Neither do I. I've got nothing.

And what makes it all the worse, is that I cried to him. And when he wasn't there to listen to me anymore, I still cried. Alone. In my bed. In the rain. (The rain makes it more tragic sounding, I think.)

I love that he was there for me, that he wasn't angry and he's so good to me and I don't even deserve it. I've done some awful things and yet he's still here. I like to lie to myself and say its because somewhere, deep down inside, he loves me too and wants to be with me, but I know that in reality, he's just one of those "good people" you read about in the Chicken Soup books. 

No wonder why I can't get over him.

 

"Paper Bag"- Fiona Apple

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love