It started to snow here today, so naturally it just heightens the already sky-high Christmas libido of everyone in town and I can't help but feel like an outsider. Mother and I went to the mall today to pick up some things for our family's little rendition of Secret Santa and within 15 minutes my quasi-good mood was shot to hell. I've never been big on the whole Christmas thing. I don't know if I just get overly emotional or overwhelmed or if the holiday's depress me since my Grandfather's death. But I do know that there's nothing harder than being labeled a "Scrooge" and being made to feel bad about not wanting to participate in the egg nog laced activites and reindeer games. I even told myself that this time I'd try to get into it, maybe that way I'd be so involved that I'd forget how much I hate this time of year, but already it's not working. I can't lie to myself about my feelings.
I don't understand why people think it's okay to spend so much money for a day just like any other. There's no reason to buy meaningless gifts that just collect dust anyway. People buy things just to buy things. Why do you need to shower the person you love with gifts? Because Hallmark tells you to? Who died and left Hallmark in charge? What happened to just telling someone you love them? And who decided you should only do that once a year? You should do it everyday. You can't measure how much someone loves by the amount of money they spend on you or how much you wish to douse them with material goods. How do you even justify the commercialization of a once religious holiday? I am not one to go waxing religion on someone, but why is it that parents buy their children buttloads of stuff to celebrate some guy who died thousands of years ago? They didn't know him, what's the big deal? Is it maybe just an excuse to spoil them rotten for being little banshees all year long? Isn't that what birthdays are for? Everyone has one of those, celebrate them then. Don't use a religious holiday as an excuse to run up a huge credit card bill that you'll work your ass off the rest of the year to pay off.
I wondered if my odd Christmas behaviors are so emergent this year because of my ever-growing cynicisms that have piled up over the last few months. Could be. But what can I do? I don't understand happiness. I especially don't understand happiness in a world that is so disastrous. How could you possibly be happy with all of the starving people in the world, with all of the soldiers being shot to death for a reason unknown, with all the violence and rape and murders? How can you call the world a beautiful place? That's what I don't understand. It's not beautiful. We are not beautiful.
Maybe one day I will be able to erase all of these destructive thoughts and that'll uncover a smile on my face and love in my heart. But there's no drug out there that can fix that and that's why I consider myself broken.
"You can't change the world, you can only change the way you feel about it."
I've heard that more times than I care to mention. If I could change the way I felt I wouldn't be sad all the time, I wouldn't be in love with someone who could care less, and I wouldn't be letting down everyone around me with my bitter attitudes. My guilt is tremendous and I sometimes fear that bad feelings are the only ones I allow myself to feel.
I think my Mom is starting to see the depression now. It's hard to hide, I guess. "Are you unhappy?" She just asked me. I couldn't bring myself to tell her just how unhappy I am. She stood in the doorway for a minute and stared at me but I didn't look her in the eyes. I was crying.
And it doesn't take a certified psychiatrist to tell me when things aren't quite right. I can tell. And it's been a long time since anything has felt even semi-right. I think my entire existence is simply wrong. Like I wasn't meant to be here. Someone else who deserved to live should take my facade and turn into a true existence. Someone who can touch the lives and hearts of others and feel nothing more than love and happiness for those who surround her. I am not that person. I can't do those things.
Let me fall.
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