One Night Run In

A friend and I went down to this local music store today and I ran into an old...flame? No, more like an old...one night stand.

I'm sure you faithful journalers remember Charley. And for those of you who don't, here's a little refresher: Ever hear of not calling the next day guy? Well he's more of like a not calling again, ever guy.

What's funny about this is that Charley obviously never took Emily Post's sexiquette class, on proper mannerisms post ejactulation. Not only did he blaintantly ignore me like the sex wasn't good (and I will have you know that it was as good as sex can be in the back of a tiny car in the middle of winter) but he didn't even acknowledge the fact that we engaged in never-getting-marital sex.

The friend I was with and I have this big thing with Charley. We do imitations of him all the time because he was so absurd in his horndog comments ( I will give you a watered-down for AOL TOS Laws Charley impression: Dude, You don't hafta swallow ((deleted)) if you don't want to.") And he actually called me DUDE.

Apparently I am oblivious to forewarnings.

Maybe it's a good thing he never called.

I find it a bit unnerving to run in to people you've had a one night stand with. I always imagined my Charley run in would happen at the mall when I'm with my mom. He'd walk by with his friend and point right at me and be like, "Dude, I totally fucked her." In front of my mother! Thank God that didn't happen, though when I noticed him in the store I started saying things like that so the girl he was with would overhear.

"Yeah, that's the boy who said he wanted to marry me and then never called. Thank God I cancelled those ice sculptures." Laughter followed immediately.

I'm sorry, my saying is, if you treat me immaturely, expect it back x 100.

And for all of you Charley's out there, here is my revised edition of Emily Post's sexiquette:

1 - Call the next day. Call the same night even. If you are desperate, show us. That way we can end it sooner.

2 - Don't ignore us on those awkward run ins. You never know, maybe we're going through a dry spell and, like a field during harvesting season, would love to be plowed again.

3 - Don't lead us on.

4 - Buy us gifts.

5 - Wear protection. And no, I'm not talking about a seat belt.

6 - Don't refer to our genitalia as a "muff," a "beaver" or "dinner." It's a VAGINA. Be a man, eat it--er--say it.

7 - Don't comment like a sports broadcaster on game day. We know what we're doing, we don't need the play by play.

8 - Open the car door for the lady when you're finished. But don't forget to put your pants back on. There's already a full moon out.

9 - Don't show up drunk or stoned. Or, in Charley's case, both.

And numero dieci (gotta practice parlare italiano per mia viaggio) : Respect her wishes when she tells you to drop dead.

Here's to running into one night stands! *raises glass*