What if...

And then theres those times when I just wish to create something so amazing, that it makes the eyes of all of those who read it bleed, but I know I cannot. Brilliance is only a part time job. Inner demons and irresistable poetic forces are in full swing, leaving me no energy or ambition to do all I've said I would, in those moments of weakness.

I give in to the night, to the new year, though my cynicism shuns any ideals of perfection, of optimism, of hope. It hasn't quite sunk in that it's a new year, the perfect time for an inner revolution, past resolution and new beginnings. That too, when it hits, shall pass. Much like everything else, laziness and watching from behind the curtains on the proverbial stage of life shift my attention from the limelight and focus it inward, into myself, for a moment of reflection, is much easier than putting yourself out there and risking the only drop of sanity you have pumping through your veins. There's only so much water the dam can hold, before it threatens to break.

I cannot look back upon this past year without cringing at the thought of the time wasted. So much can happen in one year, yet I destroyed everything I touched so powerfully, that its no longer recognizeable to even me. Within me is a force that is too large for me to handle. In trying to suppress it, I may lose it. I may lose the only true part of me.

Love, hate, anger, fear, static, poison, guilt, pity, crash, a love hangover, trainwreck, social misfit, battleground, blood, cut, deep, brutality, admiration, jealousy, despair, depression, intolerance, impatient, self-indulgent, inopportune, inappropriate, incovenient, uncontrollable, passion, scream, unfit, broken, lost, battered, self-destructive, mutilation, drunk, bitter, solitude, triumphant, overcoming, losing out, coming out, selling out, putting out, crucify, insanity, selfish, over-compensating, apologies, messing up, waking up, words, sounds, adoration, you, transcience, powerless, defeated, alone, time, wisdom, failure, descend, fly, rise above, conquer, kill, one, gone.

If I were a fighter, I wouldn't be feeling like this.

If I didn't want to be raped by my thoughts, I wouldn't allow myself to be.

If I weren't afraid of myself, I wouldn't be here.

If I never told you the truth, I would die.

If I never drank, I would've never been drunk.

The year of what ifs...