Why can't we be awesome like you?

I eat Oreos in bed.

I've started 4 different books now and am not halfway through any of them. I can't commit.

I'm being harassed by a deranged girlfriend of a boy I met once. Do you smell that? Smells like jealousy. And a little bit like cat piss, I must say.

I refer to myself as "girlfriend." Even when I'm alone or at work. "Girlfriend needs to put this Polymer Clay back before she goes to the glue aisle to huff."

Favorite songs? "Only the Good Die Young" - Billy Joel, "Big in Japan" - Tom Waits, "Gentleman Who Fell" - Milla Jovovich

Favorite movies? Top Gun, Fight Club, Resevoir Dogs, Dirty Dancing

I watch the Disney Channel.

At my funeral there will be cake and punch. I love punch. And the cake will read, "Bon Voyage."

My brilliance sometimes suprises me.

Another alter-ego (the first and only being "girlfriend") is surfacing. I think her name is Allie Linklaller. She's a self-help evangelist with a cameltoe.

Whenever I watch the news, I can't help but think about the meteorologists breaking into song and dance called the Meteorologist Rag. It makes me laugh every time.

My favorite topic to talk about is myself. Can you tell?

I'm bad at listening and have a very short attention span.

I have a goiter.

I think muskets are underrated. Everyone MUSTGET a MUSKET! Picture it: A drive-by shooting, the streets are dark and a LIMO SUV (also affectionately known as a SUMO) pulls up next to this really good looking homeless couple on a bench. "I'm gon' shoot!" He screams and he begins to pack his musket. It takes a couple of minutes but finally he's ready to shoot. "Damn, they got away." It's defintely a good way to stop gun crimes. Americans are impatient.

Me: I should be a philosopher

Anthony: Why because you have opinions?

Me: Uh, yeah.

I once invited a Johovie in for breakfast.

My cousin and I want to start a business where we mess up people's orders for pinatas. They'll order one with candy in it for their small child's birthday party and we mess it up by putting batteries and entrails in it. Our theme song is "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To" performed by an underpaid Mariachi band. And our slogan is "because anything in a pinata is funny!"

I'm always thinking about creating competition for well-known businesses and setting up shop right next to them. Like Burger King would obviously become Hot Dog Queen. However you don't go there for food, you go for sex. And salons that specialize in bikini waxes would lose money when I open up my "glue-on bush" shop right next door. It's the new Brazilian. We call it HAIRRIFIC. (Some say horrific, but tomato, tamato.)

I can recite the entire Kaopectate commercial from the early 90s. Just a couple of spoonfuls of creamy, soothing Kaeopectate is all it takes. For those of you not in the know, Kaeopectate has the same effect as pancakes on me. In computer terms, it's "logging off."

Religion is bullshit.

I sometimes find myself laughing all the way to the bank, though, I really don't know what was so funny.

Words that I think are funny: roast, beef, curtains.

I feel like everyone would want to buy my book.

Have you heard about the new corderoy pillow? It made headlines.

Get it?

You've been PUBED! <--- Another show I'm trying to find the network backing for. I'm thinking primetime, right after "Aquaintances" and "Bloodfeast" on NBC's Must-See Thursdays. I'm also trying to get public beheadings to make a comeback.

I also want to start a little shin-dig on here called "Pimp My Journal." (Seriously.) It's where one journaler pimps another journalers journal by giving it mad props for all the other journalers to see. That way the other journalers can read the pimped journal. I think it might come with some crunk sticker or something to put on your journal. It'll be a picture of the SunMaid Raisin lady but she traded in her bonnet for a doo-rag. Underneath it'll say "I got pimped!" 

 

I also have many-an-idea for bumperstickers:

Cannibalism, it's no longer just for Dahmer.

Dude, it's red.

If I were like you, I'd kill myself. That way, you'd be dead.

They really do look like roast beef curtains.

Florida doesn't like sketchy Joe. (classic!)

I'm into leather.

And here are just some things I wonder about:

If there were three toucans sitting next to each other, would they be sixcans?

How is Kenny G in every elevator? And what does the G stand for? Is it just like his personalized version of homie-g? If he was brilliant in school would every one call him G-whiz? Then I have to wonder if he even knows where the G-spot is.

Why don't they make vibrating clamps to make your gynecological exams more bearable as well as slightly enjoyable? Or at least put some posters of the Backstreet Boys on the ceiling so we have something to look at.