Femur Schemer

I just got back from spending the weekend with my friend Steve in Baldwinsville. Life was good. We swam, drank a little, threw water balloons filled with chocolate pudding, went shopping. What's not to love?

I'll tell you.

I did not love the strange man in the mall following me. Seriously. Following. Not "bumping into each other." This was straight up stalking. Though at first I didn't catch it.

I thought he was cute. I eyed him from across escalators. He was on the phone. He glared back over in my general direction. Soon after, he came to sit down across from me, on the opposite bench. Still talking on the phone.

I did my usual run down the checklist: No ring, check. Well, I guess that's all my checklist is. And he passed with flying colors.

He kept talking. I caught words every so often, "detective. case. femur. (I know, me too.) receptionist." I couldn't piece it together. It was like a puzzle with a missing piece.

I didn't realize I was staring. Borderline gawking. He wasn't that great looking, but hey, it's been awhile, if you know what I mean. (And you do.) He looked at me.

I have been caught.

Instead of timidly looking away, I smiled instead. He smiled back.

About 20 minutes later, he was still chatting away on the phone. I was still sitting on the bench. (I was waiting for Steve who was supposed to meet me after work. )

I called Steve. He said he'd be awhile. I gave up, abandoned my bench as well as my cute new friend, to go get a lemonade. By the time I got back, he was gone.

I strolled around the mall for another hour or so, still waiting for ever-so-slow Steven. I went to the bookstore, picked up some maps and books about California tourist traps and pulled up a seat in the cafe.

"Hey, didn't I see you earlier?" It was him. Casually "bumping into" me again.

"Yeah, I think you did."

"Yeah. I was on my cell phone. I'm always on my cell phone." 

Good to know, I thought. Afterall, what did I care? Cute or not, this was getting creepy!

He took a seat a few feet away from mine at another table. I caught him glaring over here from time to time. I'd nervously smile and look away, somewhat blushing.

After I read through my book, (yes that's how long Steve took. I actually finished a book.) I wandered outside of the store to yet another bench.

Guess who followed.

I fumbled around in my purse for my cell phone and called Steve's number. "Where the hell are you! Some man is following me! He's going to cut up my body and sell the pieces in Mexico! Hurry up!"

I hung up, just as Stalker man was walking over to me.

Greaaaaaaaat.

"So what are you doing out here? It's like you've been hanging around all day."

"Yeah, well, I have. I'm waiting for a friend. He's big. Very muscley." I tried to sway him with underlying threatening messages.

"Are you from around here?"

"No, about an hour away. In Utica." DAMN IT! What's my problem! Think before you speak! Arrgh! My original plan was to tell him I'm from Massachusetts or something, to throw him off.

"Ah. I was going to ask you if you'd be interested in a job."

"What kind of job?"

"Receptionist at my friend's catering business. It's good money."

"Oh." I nervously scanned my surroundings, to make sure there were people around for when I started screaming Rape! Rape!

"Are you in school?" He pryed.

"Yes, second year in college."

Before I knew it, he was spilling his life story. "Yeah, my mother fell and broke her femur (who calls it that!) so I'm in there reading up on Personal Injury. I'm going to act as her lawyer."

Better quit acting like a stalker, while you're at it. My subconscious is just as sarcastic as the rest of me.

"Well, I better git goin'." He sighed, "It was nice meeting you. Take care."

"Yes, you too. Good Luck with your femur, or whatever."

And he was gone.

Thank freakin' God.

I grabbed up my purse and shopping bags and container of rice ( I got hungry waiting) and booked toward the other side of the mall, to find yet another bench to wait for Steve.

I bought some new shoes.

**Editor's note: This was the entry I didn't get to post earlier. It's from 2 days ago.