I'm not all I'm cracked up to be.

Such an interesting evening.

I spend the later part of the day with some family members, doing some visiting, catching up. Grandma, Aunt, Uncle and I drove to a nearby town to visit my great Aunt & Uncle. (Great, as in my dad's aunt & uncle, though they are great, in the truest sense of the word.) My aunt was amusing. She has the loudest voice. And can talk for hours. We were there at least an hour before anyone else's voice was heard. Trying to get a word in edgewise is like trying to tell a cannibal not to eat people. It's just not gonna happen.

We took the grand tour of her gigantic house and finally sat down to do what Italians do best. Eat. And boy, did we. What a huge spread she had! There were potatoes, beans, tarts, coffee, cake...I can't say I was suprised. I went there with an empty stomach knowing I'd come home filled to the brim.

My uncle is great. I have this unspoken adoration for him. Just everything about him, I love. He's alot like my father. Growing up, they were close in age. About 12 years apart. They're so loving with us and with each other, it really is nice. Generally I don't see too many happy couples and they truly are. After 40 years of companionship, they're still in love. It gives me hope, really.

Turning back time to earlier today....

I got my schedule for next semester. Nothing earlier than 12:00, save for Friday in which I have class at 9:00. Arggh. I tried to avoid it, but it was impossible. It sucks extra because  Thursday night is usually my clubbing night, now I can't stay out too late because I'll never get up for class. Oy.

I went to bed last night feeling okay and at ease with the Mario situation. I woke up feeling the same way. I made my decision without much hesitation. I e-mailed him and I felt confident I wouldn't change my mind. Thank God for the "unsend" button. This time I'll try not to be so impulsive. But if i keep dawdling I may be just a little too late.

I unsent after a few hours. I went about my business for most of the day, until it finally caught up with me, again. I was listening to a song on the way home from school and it tore my heart out. I still stood by my decision, though it was hard to. The twisted image of what we used to share has somehow idealized in my mind again. I'm sick of my mind. It plays the nastiest little tricks on me. My stomach was in knots. I was torn. I still am, I think. I caught myself with tears in my eyes today. I thought I was fine with it. Well, I guess I have to be fine with it. I know I'll never believe a word he says until it's exactly what I want to hear. That's my problem. I spoke about this with a few people and got 3 screw hims and 1 go for it. Too bad their opinion doesn't count. This is all on me. Thanks for that.  I know what I have to do. Now I should just do it.

On another note...

I've been kind of a loner these past few days. I'm thinking some shit (aside from the aforementioned) over. I'm taking time for me. This is my hiatus from the real world. (And the lameness of my friends.) I don't want to make this a negative shoutout or a rant or anything, but I'm definitely rethinking some stuff. And I have just been noticing friends in people I never really considered friends before. I've been thinking alot about Amber lately, and how great she has been to me, despite the fact we never even met. I love that she found me through AOL-Journals, left comments, IMed me and thus we began our little online friendship. And just tonight, perfect timing really, a very old internet friend IMed me and we are amid having a great chat, just like we always do, no matter how long we haven't spoke. I've known him for at least 6 or 7 years. Funny, we've never met, either. And then there's my cousin, Ron. It's hard for me to call a relative anything more than that, really. But he really is. Our friendship crawled out of the woodwork and has brought me such joy in the last couple months. Especially now, as we speak, him and I are connecting.

Not to point fingers, not to pinpoint any friend in particular. I know I'm not a great friend. And I'm not suprised. If I'm a lost cause in a relationship, theres no doubt I'd be a deadbeat friend. I can list many of my own faults just as easily as friends can point them out. Though it maybe easy to point fingers at them, it's just as easy to point them at me. I take offense to alot of things. I'm senstive. I can dish it out, so to speak, but cannot take it.  Or perhaps one of my biggest faults, I end up sleeping with most of them.

I'm wondering what next semester has in store for me. My classes are in the afternoon which makes it a little harder to find a job. (I believe that work-study is falling through as I type this. Apparently you cannot recieve financial aid in your own name until your of acertain age or living with your parents or married or have a child. I don't think I can produce a child in 5 weeks when school starts, so let me kiss that theater job goodbye.) This leaves me open to many sharp-tongued remarks from everybody yet again. And yet again I will have to explain myself as to why I am unemployed. It goes a little something like this:

Everyone I know complains about their jobs. No one likes it. You get up day after day and its just the same old thing. I don't want to get up and huff and puff about going to work. I want to enjoy my job. I am holding out for a job like that. Leave me alone.

Or, if the circumstances don't allow me much airtime....

I'm holding out for management.

It's not that big of a lie.

I am going to bed. I am tired. I wish I could wake up in another body or another life or another time. I wish I didn't have to be me when things get tough. This egg is cracking.