A Crash Course in College.

Rude Awakening #115:

Liberal Arts is not a real major.

Funny, I thought MVCC knew what they were doing. Just goes to show you can't trust anyone, regardless of their accreditations.

This explains why I can't find any colleges I am interested in. No, wait, that's just because I'm too fickle when it comes to where I want to spend my $30,000. A year.

I could shell out all that money, which, by the way, I can't even begin to try to save since, I mean, let's face it, the price of textbooks for this semester alone set me back damn near $450, not including the ones I couldn't afford to buy. Thanks again, Financial Aid. Couldn't have made it without your generous donation of $200 to the Marissa Education Fund. I'm thinking about hanging around the movie theaters and walking up and down the aisles with a Dole Pineapple can to take donations for my selfish cause.

And what I love even more than all of that---!---Is that I'm not even remotely interested in going to college for business. Or accounting. Or teaching. Or nursing. Nor do I exhibit any talents in anything! So, I don't have anything to fall back on. I can't even color inside the lines. Which is fine, I heard all the positions for kindergarten students have been filled, anyway.

I know how to shop. I could spend other people's money for a living. Nah, too good to be true. I could, um, start that business I wanted to...no, that wouldn't work, need a business degree for that. That's a moo point. You know, a cow's opinion. It's moo. I could run a campaign to stomp out the enormous costs of recieving an education. We'll eat alot of starchy food the night before the walks of protest, like pasta and bread, then we'll get up and march up and down the streets throwing money down the sewers, just as we would do if we could afford to go to college. We'll even give out some dumb certification at the end to show that you completed the course and now have an empty wallet.

I'm not interested in a career anyhow. I'm not into computers, except for blogging purposes of course, I'm not into answering phones or making $0.75 to every $1.00 that a man makes. I don't want to do one thing for the rest of my life. I don't want to pay buttloadsof money for a piece of paper that can tell any potential employer whether or not I'm suitable for the job. If I wasn't suitable, I wouldn't have applied. I wouldn't show up at a fashion magazine begging for a job if I didn't like fashion or if I didn't have any ability to write whatsoever. I wouldn't show up to a construction job just to wear the hard hat. Maybe this just isn't for me.

Maybe Chris Farley had it right. Live in a van by the river. Sounds good to me.

I can shoot at birds for my dinner then roast them all day over a lighter I stole from the Nice 'N Easy up in town. Then I'll wash it down with some polluted river water and then I'll give back to nature what nature gave to me when it called. And if I'm feeling extra bodacious, I'll do it in front of some tourists for giggles.

Ah, that's the life.

At least I wouldn't have to live modestly in a broom closet - sized dump with my Swedish hooker roomate Svetlana, trying to pay off my outrageous student loans with the low-income job I managed get through a friend of a friend after college. And while I'm scraping together enough dough to make it to SanFransisco, I'm eating rats that I caught with a wire hanger and some chewing gum. Thanks, McGuyver, for the tip.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe my vision is so clouded by the frustration that my ability to think rationally has failed me. Like it always does.

And where is the name on the ballot of the guy who believes that college education should not cost more than you will make over the entire course of your life?

Harvard vs. MVCC. Who would you choose for the job?

Me too.