You, are not yourself.

I finally took a moment, stepped back and looked at myself. It's been a whirlwind these past 2 months...

California all seems blurry. Like it never happened. Or, if it did, like it was years ago. I remember vaguely these moments where I'd remind myself to back these memories up on my hardrive in my head, so I'd never forget, so if I ever felt lost in some sort of revere I could remember that there is a place for me. And it's not here.

I've been in school for 4 weeks now. It seems like yesterday was my first day. Of kindergarten. "Bye Daddy," I waved as they closed the door, his video camera on as he walked down the hall. I wore a blue and white dress and looked around anxiously. I grabbed a teddy bear and found a seat by myself and bit my nails. A girl who would remain my friend for more than 12 years would sit next to me, and together, we would pick our noses. (Thank the Lawd some things change!)

I've been going through lists and lists of colleges in New York, in Pennsylvania and Massachussettes. There's about 4 so far that I'm truly interested in, though I can't seem to get past the websites. I get a panicky feeling in my chest, shortness of breath and X it out in a moment's weakness. What is it that I'm so afraid of?

I suprise myself. My actions over the last few weeks seem to be done by a stranger. I no longer know me. Am I spinning out of control? Is this what it feels like to lose your mind? Get lost in a haze of drugs at midnight, wake up the next morning completely fine, though clad in a facade toward your family and friends because they have no idea what you've been up to or would not believe you if you told them? Does that seem like me or somebody else? My alter ego who has a completely different web of connections and friends, different language, different actions? And then, when she returns, has no guilt nor shame nor compassion for what she has done. And she just doesn't get it, I think. I can't help but wonder when I will return. I can't tell where she begins and I end.

I'm afraid of not being in compliance with the AOL TOS Laws on here. Maybe one day I will offend someone and I will go to update my journal and, without warning, it'd be gone. I don't know, but the way I feel is, anything on my journal can offendanyone out there. It's just that broad. Maybe someone has an adversion to Cory Matthews, or to Denny's or to sex. Those are all topics I have written about on here and bada-bing! Someone gets offended and I'm wiped out! It's not fair! I would have no back-up copy of it and an entire chapter of my life would be gone, gone, gone. I can easily stumble across someone's journal that offends me, but I know better than to just complain about what I don't like and X out the journal. If I don't like it, I won't go there again. Ah, if only that were the Golden Rule.

The inevitable, proverbial crossroads lie ahead of me.

I feel yet another gray grass sprouting at the head of this Chia.