Such a waste of a day.
Not only did I skip 2 of my classes (on top of that I missed the Vagina Monologues!) But I engaged in the consumption of KFC. (KFC does chicken wrong.)
Could I feel any sicker?
The seasons are changing. I can tell. Not by the drastic change in the weather (30 degree nights for Chrissakes!) But by the way I'm feeling. Its not that same calm that washes over me from time to time. It's more like a sense of panic, dread.
I'm sick of school. I'm sick of where I am. I'm sick of going around and around and getting nowhere further than where I was before. I always come back to the same set of footprints I left behind years before. They're the same, just bigger. Like the hole in my heart.
I don't know whats been going on lately. My emotions are unstable. I'm not okay. My "support system" I tried to develop while I was still in therapy is dwindling. My web of friends is slowly turning to dust before my eyes. I don't know them. They don't know me. A stranger is closer to me.
Have I mentioned Saturday is my one year anniversary of singledom? There will be champagne and cheesecake. Black tie is not optional, it's required. Something tells me I'll be spending it alone. Which is fine, I mean, I made it this far, right? Can't turn back now!
Thinking about the final days of my relationship one year ago is almost impossible. I cannot grasp the idea that while I was saying "I love you" he was thinking to himself "I don't." There are many things in my life that I cannot handle and that I cannot get over, and this is numero uno. How could he ever say he loved me and then hurt me the way he did? How could he be so goddamned rude to me when I was nothing short of wonderful to him? Does he not remember all I did for him and all I sacrificed to be with him when he moved away? Does he not realize I was the one who stood by him for two fucking years? (Yes, that's right two FUCKING years! Take that AOL TOS LAWS! HA! I strike again!) I will never get over this anger. NEVER. (There's a back story, here. Right quick, check it...The "I love you, Sam" entry I posted about a month ago was for ex's father. Sam suffered a severe heart attack and has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure at the age of 58. During my entire relationship with he who shall not be named, his father and I were closer than I ever was to my then boyfriend. While exboyfriend was away for work, I stopped by his house a few times a week to chat it up and make lunch for his dad. I loved him like he was my father. And all those tears at the end of our relationship weren't cried over my lost love, some were for Sam. That I'd never see him again. I knew that time would take it's toll and all those greasy hamburgers and cigarettes would catch up with him and take his life. When I found out, I knew I had to call the ex, to see if there was anything at all I could do. And as bitter as I am toward him, I set it all aside, and called him. And what did I get? Nothing. He hung up. Enter: my inner rage.)
I don't see how someone can take back an "I love you." Just don't say it if you don't mean it. Don't say it if you "thought you did" or "thought you could." Don't lie to yourself like that and, furthermore, don't lie to me like that. Ever.
Anyhow, yes. A party. I am having a party for myself to celebrate who I'm slowly becoming and all I have accomplished over the past year. Plus it's an excuse to have a cheesecake.
3 comments:
wow! I skipped my class today too, but it was Pysics, and it was only because I had to re-sew my ballet slippers I promise! I'm just sick of it right along with you!
I'll be there in manolos, I know how hard it is to look back. I started my entire journal reflecting on a past relationship, and even though it is a whole year later, and all I want to do is kick him in the collarbone with spiked metal heels, it still hurts. If you want me to beat him up, I will. We should make a club and reek havoc on these boys!
Thanks for the update, Im sorry about your friends dad
Kathleen
Well. Glad I skipped school this year. LOL
On another note...I know what you mean about a waste of a day. Don't give the guy another thought. There IS another out there that will appreciate your efforts. I dated a string of assholes. I found a good one where I never thought I would. Its been two great growing years. Don't lose faith. It was two fucking years..but it could have been longer.
Have a couple of slices of cheesecake for me. I'm on a diet. I'm looking at size 11 here soon. :P My normal body size is a 7, so I need to do some activities. LOL
Sometimes a wasted day is what we need. And it is so hard to lose such a big chunk of our hearts, even if it was given to someone who had no intention of filling that space. Questions left with no answer. Words left unsaid, because he said the final word and dropped the conversation mid-sentence.
You need a burning party. Cheesecake, absolutely. Take something...a picture, a letter, a ticket stub even. Talk to the stupid thing then burn the hell out of hit. I know it's kinda stupidly symbolic, but there's just something about watching it turn to ash that puts the exclamation point on good riddance.
At least it worked for me.
I like my cheesecake with strawberries, please.
~~ jennifer
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