Depresserella Returns: Round Deux

I drive the same roads everyday and night, thinking the same things. One day, things will be different, I tell myself.

I have so many ambitions its hard to list them. The places I want to travel add up so quickly I wonder where I'll ever find the time and get the money to make it there. I wonder if I'll ever get there.

I don't know whether its fear or laziness that keeps my dreams distanced from my hands. Sure, I know I need the patience to work toward these goals, to set smaller goals that must be reached in order to achieve the ultimate goal...which is happiness. Where will I end up? Who will I become? Will I still have the people I hold close to my heart in my life? Will there be anyone new? How many shoes will I have by then?

Mostly, it's fear. No, laziness. Oh, I don't know. Perhaps its my indecisivness? Don't you think?

Slowly going nuts. I'm feeling drained.

Here it comes...

I'm not like everyone else. Or maybe I am and that's why I am so freaked out. I want to be different. I feel I am different. But really am I? Lately I have been contributing to the "moral decay of society" through the drinking of alcohol, the doing of drugs, the participating in sex. Is this really college life? Is this really a stage? Am I supposed to feel bad about it? Is doing it worth it if I'm going to lose friends? I am confused, I am slowly slipping down the drain and losing myself more and more everyday. I don't feel in control, anymore. I don't feel like I used to. I don't feel like me. Or the idea I once had of who I'd become. It's a far cry from that girl I dreamt up when I was 15. The one who'd have a happy little life with tons of friends and a boyfriend she loved. Well, guess what...

I'm not her.

Maybe the reason I'm having such a hard time choosing a college is because I know that I never stick to my plans. I realized a long time ago, that things rarely ever work out the way you expect them to. So is it even worth trying?

I'm not who you think I am.

I feel silently judged by the prying eyes of friends who for so long stood by me and finally have learned my nasty little secret. I am the typical college student. And I hate fitting into that stereotypical title.

Don't look at me. I'm suddenly not so fabulous. I'm suddenly uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm suddenly over you and over it all that I've lost a piece of me that may never come back. My trust has been broken by years of faith in doomed loves. My willingness to again mount the horse that has bucked me off time and time again has dwindled. No more. This is it. I have loved those who do not and cannot love back. I've crawled into many a bed for temporary human affection, I have been abused by words, by hands and through kisses for a feeling that feels more dirty than anything. I want to be strong and say no, I am not going back.

But I know me.

I am not strong.

How can I leave and learn to grow if I feel like I'm doing nothing more than standing still? I don't know where to go. I don't know who to run to, anymore. Is it worth leaving all of this and starting over again? Will I ever be happy? Am I insatiable? I know I'm ready for the big move, now. I've done everything there is to do here. I know that I can no longer be fulfilled in a city that has nothing more to offer me. I know that I can no longer be satisfied in these friendships that have nothing to offer me and that leave me aching for what once was there. But you cannot rekindle a burnt out flame. You cannot love the obscure image you created in your head to somehow change what is really there. I cannot cover it up anymore. I cannot idealize what was never there to begin with. I want to wash my hands and cleanse my soul so that I don't feel dirty and shameful anymore for the things I have done. And continue to do. I'm slowly realizing that all of this time I did have a conscious about what I was doing, I just never listened to it. I don't want to be who I'm turning into. Used. Dirty. Typical.

I know me enough to know that that's not me.

I don't want to be defined by my flaws, but I feel that is how I am percieved. I feel inferior, I feel fake. I know how I want to be remembered, I know that I want to leave a strong, lasting impression on those I meet, even the ones for only a moment or two. I am not better than anyone else.

I can't help but feel lost among the sea of college students on campus. They all seem so sure, so carefree, so established. Me? I just don't know. I have identity crisis written all over. I am guilty as charged. My clothes are no longer my mask. They cannot hide me nor give me a false sense of confidence. My eyes give me away. I am unsure.

Don't love me because I'm funny. Don't love me because of my smile. Don't say you love me, when you don't. Don't hate me because I'm not all there. Don't hate me because I do drugs. These are not defining characteristics. These are simple traits that I endure that add to the broadness of my personality. There are no dealbreakers, here. You take the bad with the good or you don't look at me. I know I'm not perfect. I know I have f*cked up sometimes. I know I make mistakes and I know I'm not the sharpest crayon in the drawer (see?) I'm human. Terribly so.