A cloudy day.
I walked along campus in the rain today, my flip-flops splashing in puddles, my umbrella bobbing over my head. I took a deep breath of the air...It was warm and it almost smelled sweet.
I wanted to scream out or to cry as I walked. To strip myself naked of the ugliness I felt covered me. But I didn't. I stayed quiet, held back tears and treaded on.
I no longer know if this is normal behavior for a 19 year old. All the 19 year olds I know go out partying, have horrible pot addictions and work part time jobs. I, on the other hand, ponder the meaning of life, wonder what death feels like, if anything, and can't seem to keep a smile on my face for longer than a day.
I came home to an empty house. It felt good not to have any intrusion for once. I could stare at my walls in peace, finally, I thought.
I let go last night of an idea that kept me warm for a few weeks. Sure, the memories will still keep me warm, but I hear there's a cold front creeping in. So I'll crawl under my blankets, as I do everynight, and wait for morning to shine her light on my teary face. Then, I will battle with my will to again face the day and wonder if I will see tomorrow.
Of course I will. Sometimes you can just tell these things.
The Countdown is slowing as it nears. 3 days, until my Birtday, she says, 3 days and I'm free again. Knock first, there's a Do Not Disturb sign on my bedroom door. I'm sleeping in.
1 comment:
hi there. you visited my book journal and left a comment about Neil Gaiman. i have Neverwhere and Stardust waiting for me at the library. they called me this afternoon but i didn't have a chance to get there. so, tomorrow. of course, i'm already reading two or three things, so they'll get in line. i have read back a ways in this journal of yours - and find you an interesting person. i am old enuf to BE your grandmother (with no intention of sleeping in your bed, tho we ARE having a lot of thunderstorms here) but i enjoy journals of all kinds of people. it's what makes it all so interesting. i also suffer from panic attacks, also from serious depression. panic attacks are no fun at all. i don't find medication helpful for them, altho it does help keep me sane from the depression. what helps most with panic is meditation, t'ai chi, deep breathing. sounds too simple, but it's the truth. i've had them since i was about your age, and they are worse at times of stress. come back and visit my journals often - my semester is over, so i'm a free woman. i have been both a teacher and a student, i think teacher is harder.
journals.aol.com/marigolds2/thewindmillsofmymind (personal/political journal)
journals.aol.com/marigolds2/TheBiblioPhiles (book journal)
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