If I were President...

If I were running for Presidential office... my legs would be tired.

Whoo! Sorry! Just had to hook you in with many more promises of bad jokes with dry humor ala` mode. But seriously---

If I were running for the Presidency of the United States, a few of the major points in my campaign would be as follows:

I would enstate a National Nutritionist. There is a reason why millions of Americans are overweight, not to mention the 5 million who are morbidy overweight, and it's an issue that can never be laid to rest if we don't start caring about our bodies and health, and, like most everything else, we will pass this on to our children too. Places like McDonalds and KFC are promoting clogged arteries with their deep-fried calories and cholesterol dipped in chocolate. However, I do have to say that I am somewhat pleased with their efforts of grilled-instead-of-fried and abundance of salad choices. I am not saying we need to eat like birds, either, but a good attitude of "anything is good in moderation" and being fully aware of what is going on in your body (I'm talking about reading up on it, food is our energy source, it affects everything we do) instead of grabbing up 8 kids meals for your family on the way home for work because it's easy and less time consuming than cooking a meal, hence fast food.

I would make the cost of education more affordable by using Wal-Mart's method of "rolling back the prices." That big, yellow smiley face will follow me around as I slash prices of tuition and book prices with my handy-dandy dagger that came free with the eyepatch/monocle set. The stance America has taken on the institution of education is slightly misconstrued in that we aren't realizing that by making schooling so unaffordable and unattainable for our children, that in the next generation's time, America will be in the hands of these underprepared and underpriveleged people and we will have yet another bad case of stupid in office. Our job here is to create a better life for generations to come, not to get as much power as you possibly can and screw America in its own butt.

I would make sure to enforce the rule, "eye for an eye" and will promise that the punishment will fit the crime flawlessly. Example: If you murder someone by hitting them forcefully with a baseball bat, we will do the same to you. It's only fair.

I would open a resort for all of the homeless where we will provide showers, room and food for the poor of the cities while training them daily in job skills and offer them counseling and support, until they can get on their feet again. Each guest will have a mentor to speak with daily, who will also conduct follow-ups and set up job interviews for the previously less fortunate.

Marijuana will be legalized under my legislation, in that it is far too expensive for the government and taxpayers to keep fighting a war against a recreational drug that has fewer long-term effects than a cigarette. I'd be able sleep a bit better in the Lincoln Bedroom knowing that the police officers patroling the streets are paying more attention to more serious crimes and investigations, not searching dorm rooms and fraternities on a Friday night.

I will not start wars with other countries. I don't want the name America to be said with shame, it should be said with pride.

We will happily accept immigrants as "world travelers" and offer them the same opportunites we offer our own citizens.

Formal sex education classes will be mandatory for high school graduation. It is one of the most important classes to take to learn how to be safe when it comes to having sex, regardless if you are or not. Chances are, in some point in your life, you're going to need to know these things and sweeping them under the rug is not going to promote abstinence. Think of it this way, they can have sex the wrong way, spread AIDS, HIV and STD epidemics, not to mention unwanted pregnancies, illegal and unsafe abortions or they can sit through one extra class a few times a week and be protected for a lifetime. We need to realize that sex is a natural instinct, and instead of supressing it and hushing it, we need to embrace it and enforce the importance of sexual awareness, because somewhere, right atthis very second, the AIDS virus is being passed along to someone who knows nothing about it and doesn't know how to protect his or herself. By continuing on with the right-winged conservative view of sexuality, we are setting our country up for the kill, again. It's hard to promote old-world ways in a new, technologically advanced, ever-changing society.

Say goodbye to Yanni.

The labeled ghettos will be refurbished with money raised through grocery store fundraisers. Half of the money spent on food will be donated to an organization whose specific focus is feeding the poor and bettering their neighborhoods and quality of life.

Another pre-graduation requirement for all kids is to donate your time by helping Habitat for Humanity build a new house that will be auctioned off annually by the graduating class. The house will be donated to a local family in need.

 

Uncle Sam wants me and you do too! C'mon, just admit it!

Vote for me!