A little man-bashing never hurt anyone.

I am in the developing stages of an inferiority complex.

I'm craving MAOI-infused brownies, with a stiff drink to wash 'em down. It's going to be a long week.

Our Human Sexuality class today was a deranged version of an already deranged Lifetime movie. Pan in on an overly-ecstatic short woman with a penchant for being a total bitch preaching to everyone about the meaning of love.

She has my attention.

She starts asking around, "What is love?" And I, being the smartass that I am, can't help but chime in ala` Haddaway with "Baby don't hurt me."

People give thier answers:

A mutual respect and appreciation for one another. (Right. That's what Aretha's been straining her voice for all of these years.)

Coming home to that special someone. (Give me a break.)

Wanting to always be around that person. (Vomit noises.)

"Marissa, finish the sentence. Love..."

"STINKS!"

A moment of silence ensues.

She wrote it on the board, though miles away from the other cupid-wupid-valentines-my-ass answers laced with ribbons and flower petals.

I looked at it, as though it were a spectrum. There were the other answers, written in a large mass of curly-que handwriting and tiny red hearts. In the corner was mine, alone, ugly with devil ears. Then it hit me:

I am bitter.

Takin' a Greyhound to Bittertown U.S.A., Population: me and Anthony. Grab a scone! (so quotable, you are.)

I racked my brain for a few more minutes trying to find something, anything, sweet and cutesy to add to her chalk-bound madness. I was a dry well. Nothing. I had nothing.

I began to wallow. Suddenly, I didn't feel like paying attention (can't afford to anyway!) I stared hard into my notebook, at the blankness of the pages and got lost in the battleground that is my love life, or, lack there of.

In the past year of my singledom, I have encountered more boys than I care to name, (especially those whose names escape me.) And not a one of 'em were even worth an ounce ofmy time. One just jerkier than the last.

Allow me, if you will, on a whim, to set up a meat market of sorts, in honor of the upcoming elections, I would like to conduct a little election of my own. I will give you the nominees of "Jerkiest Guy of the Year," and you send me your votes. We'll think of it is as a "cleansing" rather than the obvious man-bashing it is.

Ready for our nominees?

1 - Bobby the Dope- Told me he'd date me, but never came through.

2 - Mike the Security Gaurd - Wooed me over the phone for over a month, but never bothered to tell me he had a girlfriend.

3 - Nick the Coffee Shop Guy - Propositioned me at my favorite cafe, and never even offered me a free cup o' joe! (Though I'm sure "Joe" would've kissed much better.)

4 - Tony the Sushi Boy - A psuedo-intellectual with an even bigger ego. Thought he could "make me" fall in love with him. (And I quote.)

5 - Joe the "lets do it in the bushes" Guy - A drunken night, don't hear from him again, until recently, when he thought he could have a replay of that night, though this time in the backseat of his car. Sketchy McSketcherson.

6 - Mario the "having his cake and eating it too" Guy - There's not enough space for this one. To read more about him, go here : Goodbye. And for the record, he's not exactly top on my list of jerks. I can't see him as one. He's still a good friend.

7 - Charley the "that's f-ing gay" Guy - actually admitted to me that he wears a lip ring for the sole purpose of looking cool. He also was the advocate for the afterschool intramural recreational drug ring. Very prestigious. To read more about him, go here : Dear Charley

8 - Ashley the Borderline Stalker Boy - Calls me 100times a day and leaves creepy voicemail messages.

And finally, the Ultimate Jerk:

9 - Anthony the Ex Boyfriend - broke up with me after 2 years to date someone who looked alot like me.

 

And there, ladies and gents, are your nominees. Please, take the time to really consider how you'd feel in those positions, then times it by 8 since they ALL happened to me. In the last year.

 

...And the Most Dramatic Award goes to...

 

 

Me!