The Results Are In!

The votes are in! (Save for 2 absentee ballots I am still anxiously awaiting.) However, after much anticipation, I have the results. Needless to say, this was a close race. Phone calls, e-mails, instant messages and of course, journal comments, have poured in regarding our 1st annual Jerk Fest.

And of course you remember our nominees:

1 - Bobby the Dope - Told me he'd date me, but never came through.
2 - Mike the Security Gaurd - Wooed me over the phone for over a month, but never bothered to tell me he had a girlfriend.
3 - Nick the Coffee Shop Guy - Propositioned me at my favorite cafe, and never even offered me a free cup o' joe! (Though I'm sure "Joe" would've kissed much better.)
4 - Tony the Sushi Boy - A psuedo-intellectual with an even bigger ego. Thought he could "make me" fall in love with him. (And I quote.)
5 - Joe the "lets do it in the bushes" Guy - A drunken night, don't hear from him again, until recently, when he thought he could have a replay of that night, though this time in the backseat of his car. Sketchy McSketcherson.
6 - Mario the "having his cake and eating it too" Guy - There's not enough space for this one. To read more about him, go here : Goodbye. And for the record, he's not exactly top on my list of jerks. I can't see him as one. He's still a good friend.
7 - Charley the "that's f-ing gay" Guy - actually admitted to me that he wears a lip ring for the sole purpose of looking cool. He also was the advocate for the afterschool intramural recreational drug ring. Very prestigious. To read more about him, go here : Dear Charley
8 - Ashley the Borderline Stalker Boy - Calls me 100 times a day and leaves creepy voicemail messages.
And finally, the Ultimate Jerk: 9 - Anthony the Ex Boyfriend - broke up with me after 2 years to date someone who looked alot likeme.

I do have a name to add to the list, after self-nomination and recieving much support from the public, I proudly present to you Jerk # 10 : Sean the Alcoholic "F" Buddy Guy: (as he describes himself) Only calls when hes either A) Drunk , or B)Going to get drunk, and either A) needs a "ride" or B) needs to "ride".

Using the process of elimination, I have removed those "jerks" who got off on strictly minor offenses. They are:

1. Bobby the Dope - "Wyoming is for lovers and not for Bobby." - Wyomingite
2. Mike the Security Gaurd - "Take a hike, Mike!" - on a billboard outside of a bait shop.
3. Nick the Coffee Shop Guy - "The best part of waking up, there's shlup in your cup!" -As advertised during daytime TV.
4. Ashley the Borderline Stalker Boy - "Ashley. Boston just asks, "Why?" - The Boston Herald

And of course, 5. Joe the "let's do it in the bushes" Guy. Joe, however, has been nominated and awarded (by Kathleen) the honorable WTF award of the year. Intercourse, PA says, "Not in our bushes!"

That being said, let's continue on with our so-called leftovers:

1. Tony "Sushi" Boy - (In response to the outrageous claim) "I like the sushi 'cause it's never touched the frying pan," said Steven Page of the Barenaked Ladies, "Until now."

2. Mario "Cake" Guy - "Madness. It's just madness." Claimed a Betty Crocker representative, who was taken aback that Mario even made the list. Through tears, she went on, "He was always so nice to my little Debbie."

3. Charley "lip ring" Boy - (as seen on the back of his rusty little car) "Asshole on Board." (Officials say the girl who put it there was about 5"1 with short brown hair and was wearing a pair of Steve Madden stilettos. If you have any information, cops request you call them at 911. Ask for Marissa. Operators are standing by, though restlessly.)

4. Anthony "the ex" Guy - When asked to comment, Neil Sedaka looked confused at the idea of such man abuse, but still broke into song saying, "Breaking up is hard to do!"

5. Sean the "self-nominated" Guy - At a press conference in his home state of  Vermont, Howard Dean was quoted in saying, in regards to Sean and Marissa's purely sexual relationship, "Every day it becomes clearer that this was the wrong war at the wrong time." Was he wrong? Absolutely not. He concluded with the following statement, "I'm just deeply disappointed that once again we may have to settle for the lesser of two evils." Well that settles it. Marissa wins!

 

Now, I will indulge you with the numerous responses I've had to this poll in order of the ranking and the countdown to the 1st Annual Jerk-Off Award Ceremony.

 

In 5th position, Tony the Sushi Boy.

"From a purely superficial standpoint Tony the Sushi guy sounds like a real ass bag as well, for what it's worth." - Miss Gina "Skunk" VonDunajew

"Third Choice!" - Kathleen, my fellow ultra-crunk femme.

When asked to comment, Tony removed his Buddy Holly-esque frames out of sheer anger and sneered, "If she gave it more time, she would've been mine. All the girls dig me."

In 4th position, Charley the poser.

Comment from: blackskye888
"My vote is for charley the "that's f-ing gay" guy. way to go asshole!

                                                                                -Harley"

"The Charley story is priceless and I want to meet him-"can I eat your muff?" hmmmm everyone's doing it!" - GSV, votes for him on the sole purpose he was once quoted as to saying, "You don't have to swallow my [ disgusting euphemism deleted ] if you don't want to." (Watch out, Skunk, for the AOL TOS Laws!)

When asked his thoughts on his win, Charley sniffed a line of coke, wiped his nose and blurted out, "That's f-ing gay."

 

We're down to the last three. Before I casted my votes, there was a three-way tie. My vote is crucial (never thought I'd say that!) So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you our final three.

In 3rd position, all the way from the Sunshine State whose state motto is "Ask us about our grandkids!" is Mario, who raked in quite a few votes from journal readers and friends.

 

Comment from: dropkickgirl33
"those who know you best would have to say MARIO, though i wasnt around for the anthony days."

iamjamegumb, on a last minute instant message vote: " well i think he was a jerk for leaving you with no finalization and i know what it's like to have someone that's that special to you and then suddenly, no more. i think he's a jerk especially for waiting until he moved to florida to tell you that he could have loved you. "

"Mario for obvious reasons." - The Enquirer

Mario could not be reached for comment as he is on the set of his new movie, "The Dead Won't Die."

In 2nd place was our very own self-nominated-big-fan-of-the-drinky-drink, Sean!

Comment from: giwannaponu AKA SEAN:
"My Vote goes to Sean "I only hang out with you drunk" Guy.....I mean cmon what a dick he is!!!! Only calls when hes either A) Drunk , or B)Going to get drunk, and either A) needs a "ride" or B) needs to "ride".....my vote definitly goes to that punk ass kid....someone should woop him greatly!!!!"

And from the best friend standpoint, Anthony commented : "Although he was a 25th hour write-in vote and not even technically in the damn roster of selectable candidates, I would also like to vote for ole' SEANIE. I mean c'mon his track record alone makes him a prime candidate and I'm honestly baffled as to why he wasn't included in the first. Alas, you and your terrible memory. I mean c'mon as if it wasn't apparant enough that he should be on the list to begin with the guy ACTUALLY NOMINATED HIMSELF for it! Does anyone else see that red flag waving madly in the breeze?"

When reached for comment, reporters said to have nudged Sean repeatedly until he awoke from his drunken slumber. When told about his win of second place, Sean said: "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride!" And with that, he took a sip of whiskey, scratched his genitals and proceeded to nod off with whiskey wishes and porno dreams.

 

And, the envelope please...well, I suppose I don't actually need the envelope. I know who won. And I'm sure all of you observant ones out there have noticed who hasn't been mentioned yet, so without further ado, I give to you our first annual Jerkiest Guy of the Year and the Oscar goes to:

Anthony, the Ex.

As you can tell, since I had power over the elections I chose who won. He got my vote, right off the bat, and he did actually get a few of yours:

 

"And finally I'll take Anthony for 1st for 8000 Alex." - Kathleen

"Bastard!" - The NY Times

The reason my vote went to Anthony is because, of all of the aforementioned men, he was one that I truly loved and cared for (and even bought him an X-Box for Christmas!) that hurt me the deepest. Our relationship was one of those statistics you read about in Long Distance Relationship Digest, on why they really don't work. They don't work when you decided to unlove the person who stuck by your side through everything in the past two years. I am bitter. I still think about him and cringe everyday and I desperately hope, that I never EVER run into him and his Marissa-lookalike girlfriend again. He'd be begging for a soda to be thrown in his face. Yes, I actually do do things like that.

So there you have it. Thanks for the participation and all the good man-bashing cheer! And remember :