Crucify.

I had woken up this morning with a semi-good outlook for the day. I planned on skipping school along with my partner in crime Anthony and drive to Syracuse to see my cousin who was home from college.

We had a fairly easy drive up there, complete with Ashlee Simpson and good conversation, and met up with my cousin and our friend Heather downtown. We ate and laughed, alot, hit up some stores before heading back home. But it was a weird day, too.

The sun was out, it was 60 degrees, an oddity, and I drove with my window down. It felt like deja' vu`. I had done this before, though in different company.

Think 6 months back, in the mid-May, spring just beginning to unravel and wrap its warmth around the city. Mario and I drove up to Syracuse together, donuts in hand, spirits high. Together we painted the town red, in the truest sense of the word, with laughter and light-heartedness. We went shoe shopping, movie shopping and ate at the BBQ. We'd done just about everything. We even hit up the fertility clinic!

I can't lie about the feelings I had that day just like I can't lie about the feelings I have now. I've been around long enough to know that this isn't something to pass up. You know that old saying, "People come into your lives and leave footprints on your heart when they leave," (or something like that) well, he didn't leave footprints. He left something a little more than that, I guess you could say.

From the moment we met we were instanly swarmed into this plethora of emotion, that goes beyond definition. Never once had I felt an intensity such as this, a connection stronger than the one we shared. I can replay certain things over and over in my mind like a movie and like that, it all just comes back like it was yesterday. An irresistible force was present each of those random run-ins, to the planned ones. You could physically feel it in the air when we were together. And trying to fight that off is trying to tell the earth to stop turning. I've stopped trying.

I do believe in fate. I believe in the random collisions of molecules forming chemical reactions, and I believe in the random collisions of people forming chemistry. I don't think anyone quite understood how shook I was. I don't think I quite understand it. But I don't need to understand it to believe it.

On the drive home I was smiling as I listened to my newly purchased Tom Waits album (Mule Variations, check it out!) and I was beginning to feel good about the day ahead, since it was still fairly early in the afternoon. And it was sunny.

Something happened though. I slowly began to feel my rare good mood slipping through my fingers. I had tried so hard to take Amber's advice and think optimistically, but I was faltering. Maybe pessimism really is my schtick.

Come on up to the House - Tom Waits

Well the moon is broken
And the sky is cracked
Come on up to the house
The only things that you can see
Is all that you lack
Come on up to the house

All your cryin don't do no good
Come on up to the house
Come down off the cross
We can use the wood
Come on up to the house

Come on up to the house
Come on up to the house
The world is not my home
I'm just a- passin through                                                                   

There's no light in the tunnel
No irons in the fire
Come on up to the house
And your singin lead soprano
In a junkman's choir
You gotta come on up to the house

Does life seem nasty, brutish and short
Come on up to the house
The seas are stormy
And you can't find no port
Come on up to the house
There's nothin in the world

there's nothin in the world
that you can do
you gotta come on up to the house
and you been whipped by the forces
that are inside you
come on up to the house
well you're high on top
of your mountain of woe
come on up to the house
well you know you should surrender
but you can't let go
you gotta come on up to the house