Note to Self

I don't know when it was that I stopped caring, rather, stopped caring that I didn't care in the first place. I've become absent-minded toward all the things I once considered important, priorities. I've become sucked into my own self-destructive behaviors and thoughts that I forgot that I used to have a life. There was a time not too long ago that you could see my floor in bedroom, it wasn't covered in piles of meaningless papers and dirty clothes. And at that same time you might spot a smile on my face every now and then, or in the midst of creating something all my own. But now my pen lays wordless at the side of my poetry journal, the blank pages staring at me so emptily, mocking the shambles that have become my existence. You coould look forever to find the light in my eyes but you may never find it. I'm sunken into myself, I'm tired of this. I'm the only one that hurts me. I'm the one who holds the dagger close to my sides, feeling it's lack of warmth stick to my skin. It reminds me that I am human. It reminds me that I'm alive. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know any hole that I am trying to crawl back out of is one that I've dug myself. And I know that any anger or bitterness that I hold is strictly my pain. I'm the one allowing myself to feel those things. It's no one else's fault. However, I do take comfort in knowing that I'm not that gone where I can no longer feel, regardless if they happen to be detrimental to my sanity. I thought today about the possibility of there actually being possibilities for me, instead of the impossibilities that douse my spiritual flame, that curdle each of my dreams at their core. I'm torn between who I feel I really am and who I think I should be. But I can't help but to feel unreal despite the reality that slaps me in the face every so often. What changes do I need to make to turn this whole mess I got myself into around? Is my attitude whats holding me back from contentment and an ounce of sanity? I think that I need to let go of all the negative feelings of contempt and anguish I hold so close to me everyday, that I've been letting it define my existence, as well as my actions. I don't want to be my own twisted marionette, I don't want to be my own demon. I have crashed into a pile of my own past. I need to own my shadow. I need to become my own saving grace. I need to fix this huge mess I've gotten myself into.

But first I need to set things right.

I'm sorry.