I keep deleting what I'm writing. I don't feel it's good enough or happy enough for all you. A once funny journal has gone awry in the name of depression, as has a once funny girl. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm still hysterical. Just depressed and hysterical, that's all.
The word depressed is defined by Merriam's as : 1 : low in spirits : SAD; especially : affected by psychological depression
I feel the more it's used the less meaning it has. Go out anywhere, my bet is you will hear just about anyone say "I was sooo depressed," in reference to that time they puked in a litter box or peed their best friend's dad's pants (just a few of my own personal selections.) C'mon now, is that really something to be depressed about? Having bad bladder control? This is serious stuff, this depression crap.
I'm worried its used so openly and freely that it's meaning is no longer validated, as if to say, how serious people take you when you drop the "I'm depressed" bomb. Maybe I'll just make up a new word for it. Hmm...
Ok, that reminds me...in an episode of The Golden Girls, Blanche was mentioning how she was feeling sort of in a slump and called it her MAGENTA period. That's what I must be in. Magenta. Not quite red. Not quite purple. Not quite pink. Not quite anything, yet completely everything that is wrong.
Magenta.That's what it is.
It feels out of my control. That I have no grasp over my own emotions and my own actions. I know I shouldn't do half the things I do, but I allow myself to glorify it in hopes of instant indulgence to my ever-craving id. Freud would hate me. Fork Freud.
But then again, this all seems like deja` vu.
I wonder why.
1 comment:
Marissa -- write for you. Not for anyone else. You cannot live your life simply to please everyone else while you are miserable. You must make space for you. You must. Most of us learn that lesson much later in life. You have the chance to learn it early. Grab that opportunity!
You know I'm thinking of you. Always.
~~ jennifer
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