Home

Driving in from Syracuse last night, Gina said "There's something about this place that just lets me know I'm home. I'm kind of scared to leave it."

This struck something within me.

I, too, am planning on leaving my hometown at some point in my life. Will I come back to it always and feel home? I feel quite ambiguous toward it now, but perhaps thats because I haven't really left. Ever.

I've been away from home on vacations, of course, but having my family there with me always provides me a strong sense of security and home. Being 19, I've only been truly away from home 3 times, without my parents. The first time being when I was 16 and diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and was hospitalized for a few weeks in Syracuse, which, is only about an hour or so away, and even then my parents visited almost every night. The second time I went on my very first weekend away to Alfred University to visit Justin aka The Minstrel. I was gone for 3 days and had an amazing time. I didn't really want to come back home, but then again, I wasn't gone a long time. When I returned home, I felt bummed that I was back there, to be completely honest. And lastly, a few months back I spent a weekend with Steve in Syracuse and that was a blast! We ate buttloads of takeout and watched movies and went shopping. What's not to love? Again, I returned home feeling blah. These were some of the indications that let me know I was ready to think about transferring to an out of city, or out of state, college.

Utica, New York, where I live, is known for its many inhabitants that "want to get out." They come in two forms: those who dream of leaving and go on to accomplish thier dreams in non-Utica places and those who talk about it all the time and live vicariously through the ones aforementioned. I am afraid that, in the likeness of my family, I will be the latter of the two. I wish I had a driving force or destined fate somewhere that isn't here. I want to get out. Let me out.

This dream is hard to embrace when there are so many factors contributing to my resistance. One being my family and another being lack of fundage/ mobility. I don't have my own car, I cannot travel solo. I may use my parents cars whenever I need to, and pretty much have at my disposable, as long as I bring it back....with less than 100 miles on it. It's hard to be independant when your parents give you mostly everything you need. And it's even harder when, because of that, your desire to go out and earn money is nonexistant. I've had jobs before and I didn't do very well. I'm trying to hold out for something that holds my interest. And there isn't many opportunities here for a college student, that isn't in the mall or at a fast food resteraunt. And I feel like it's better to have no job than get fired from a lot of jobs. Where's the happy medium here? It certainly isn't with the Happy Meal.

I want to go away to college and be able to afford car insurance and car payments and books and a dorm, all the while still looking so fabulous with new clothes and shoes....but I'm feeling sort of pensive toward that whole dream of mine. It may just turn into one of those cartoon bubbles...and then pop. I should find something, I know, to at least save the money I earn while I still have a roof over my head and a car to use whenever I need to. That way, I can have an awesome savings to blow on my education and independant life lessons, which always end up to be priceless anyway. Or so I hear.

Another factor is my parents. They don't want me to leave and they barely support any ideas of mine. I'm sure that if they were behind me I would have at least a tiny bit more motivation to get a job and to pay for myself. It gets kind of embarassing when you run into people you know and they ask in thier usual bullshitting way, "So where are you now?"

"What do you mean where am I?" I ask, unknowing, "I'm right here. Where are you?"

"Ha, no, I mean, working."

I nod my head and turn away, "I don't exactly have one..."

"Ohhh." They say. I feel their eyes burning a hole right through me.

And some of the older people I've talked to always give me a guilt trip or try to make me feel bad about it. I'll throw in my excuse "I'm a college student!" And they always reply, "When I was younger...."

Blah Blah Blah. No one cares.

So this is my home. And judging by the pit in my stomach when I say that, I think it's time I left. Or at least built a future now by perhaps getting a job. A job. God, I hate the way that sounds. It doesn't even sound fun. All the negative connotations associated with that one word is enough to make the unemployment rates skyrocket. I know, I shouldn't see it as a job. *Sighs* I miss Barbies and dress-up. ((((I hear my mother's voice in my head "Dress up? You still play dress up!"))))

Leave me some words of wisdom on the workforce...help me get my butt into gear! It's been almost 2 years!