To you it's nothing, to me it's the world.

Can the past be undone?

I stumbled onto a rather large piece of my past today. Having a journal is good for logging the past, therefore it's always only a click away.

I don't know what made me do it. I don't know if I wanted to "catch up" or what. Reading it was like a slap in the face. Again, I am back where I started.

You may all be wondering what I'm babbling about, but I am afraid, for reasons to sustain the nameless, I cannot go to deep into detail.

Going back quite a few months I got myself into a little mess with someone I was very close to. Little is an understatement. I sent out one of my indiscreet personal attacks and got one in return. If only I lived by the Golden Rule, instead of Murhpy's Law.

Do people change? Is there really such thing as forgive and forget?

I don't feel like I can answer these questions. I find myself at times feeling bitter and angry and have always had a hard time "moving on" after a fight or a "falling out" as my Gram calls it. She likes to 'nice it up.'

That little mess has returned. It's back to bite me in the butt, or the stomach, whichever way you want to look at it.

Many lessons have been thrown at me in my years but I'm not quite sure how many I have learned from. Maybe that's what tomorrow is for. But there might not be a tomorrow. (No, I'm not starting rumors about Armageddon again. I learned my lesson the first time.)

I tend to run around in circles. I think it reminds me of the Merry-Go-Round. I'm not sure.

My heart feels heavy and I feel somewhat lost. I know the past can't be undone. I know once words are spoken they develop a tangibility, a realness.  They are in the air and hang around us each second of our lives. I wish I knew what regret felt like before I said those words, before we created a tiny hole that would become the burial grounds for years of a friendship---and more.

This entry isn't to undo whats been done. It's to attempt to give me piece of mind for a sorrow thats been looming over me for months. And even more so recently, given the possible circumstances. And I know one miniscule entry is a drop in the bucket, but one entry filled the bucket when it was running on empty a while ago.

I feel like my life hasn't been anything short of repetitive and stupid mistakes. I'm the dog chasing it's tail. I'm the proverbial equivalent to a caveman. When will that silly caveman learn that when you play with fire, you will get burned?

I don't want to look back with this troublesome burden on my shoulders of all the things I could've done differently. Of course I look back now, with some lessons I've learned along the way, and would like to have handled things differently. It comes with the new experiences and personal growths I've encountered. But how do I keep it from eating away at me? One day, I will have consumed my entire face, and I will still be asking myself the same question. Again, I am chasing my tail. Or my face. Whatever. I don't know.

Save me.