A stick in the mud.

If you keep pushing hard enough will it ever go away?

That's my Carrie Bradshaw question for this eve.

You may ask, "What is this crazy girl talking about now?"

Well, I'll tell you.

As you all know, or may have gathered through my various postings, I am amid "getting over" someone.

It's not what you think.

We were never together. Though at times, I must admit, it felt like it.

So blah blah blah. Shit happened. Enter: my boo boo heart.

We aren't speaking for various reasons. The main one being, it's probably not healthy for either of us. And, as I have learned through many an experience, I must watch out for me, first, so that's what I'm trying to accomplish.

"How's that going for you" You might ask.

It's going pirty well, I must say, although I do experience some minor setbacks. One being, I can't control my thoughts. He pops in every now and then. Sometimes it will be because something truly us-esque will happen and I will want to tell him about. But can't. And sometimes I'll wake up from a really warm dream about him, and BOOM! in sets harsh reality. Okay, it's not that harsh, but still. Another is mention of him. It used to have an adverse affect on me. I used to love hearing about him. Now it's sorta "Well, ok, this is a crappy feeling."

Tonight a certain song triggered these floods of emotions. And a certain memory to go along with it. So now I don't know what to do, so going back to my inquiry above: If you keep pushing hard enough will it ever go away?

I want to say yes, but that seems to idealistic. Sure, feelings fade, but will they spark up again as soon as you bump into that someone? Going away is pretty permanent, and I mean, feelings are there for a reason. And feelings like these are hard to push back. Every now and then I still get a little twinge of hope that fate will keep him in my mind when he deals my next hand, you know?

And if I said no, these feelings will not go away, what am I even trying for? Will I keep setting myself up for the kill? Jesus, that sounds quite hopeless. No, no...that's not it. They will go away. Maybe I should give it more time?

And here we are at my next frustration: time.

Marissa is not a patient girl. I've waited this thing out long enough, I think...it's been, God, I don't know, a month? No, maybe a little less. It feels like forever. Who has time to just sit around and waste precious days and days mooning over a lost cause?! Well apparently I do!

I wish I could move on. But at the same time, I don't want to because I really don't want it to be over. (Though it already is) Maybe that's my problem. I have to realize there is no more and then I can truly move on (whatever that means) and perhaps then I can go back to having normal dreams and thoughts. Without him.

I feel like I'm getting too old for this. Or maybe I'm still too young? I'm torn between "Sex and the City" and "Saved by the Bell."

Lalalalalala...so hey you, if you are out there...you are still on my mind.

Goodnight and wish me dreams sugar and spice and all that other nutmeggy crap.