Monica Lewinsky is a Republican.

Monica Lewinsky accuses Bill Clinton of lying.

Of course she did.

Monica Lewinsky begs to differ. The former White House intern scorned Bill Clinton's explanation that he had an affair with her ''just because I could,'' and accused the former president of failing to correct the record and make clear their relationship was mutual in his new memoir.

In her first public comments on the book, ''My Life,'' Lewinsky accused Clinton of trying to destroy her with his characterization of the affair as something dirty and wrong, and argued the liaison was one of mutual affection.

First off, let me start by saying, if she's so concerned that it was mutual, why is she barking up every tabloidical tree looking for an apology?

And if she's looking for "mutual affection" she shouldn't be running to just any guy, let alone a married one with a stature such as President Clinton's.  She wants mutual affection? Go get a dog!

I'm suprised she looked up for a moment from her cutesy handbag biz long enough to even notice what's going on in politics, now that her name has been deleted from teleprompters everywhere. It was until the release of President Clinton's memoirs that she shows her dirty little face, after a year long hiatus to hide out at Jenny Craig. Take your beret and stuff it.

I'm sure more than half of the sales of President Clinton's books were in utter anticipation of "what really happened" in the oval office. And this just goes to show the shallowness of the American people. Since when did having sex becoming a national issue? Oh, wait, I know when. When the good ol' republican white men congregated at a Tasty Creme for a little sorbet and democrat bashing.

In the voice of Sean Connery: Well, word on the street is...little Billy is gettin some on the side! This will be grounds for impeaching!

Newcomer Republican Jr. in the voice of Peter Brady during puberty: Well, wait, it says here that those aren't, um, actually, grounds for, ughhh impeachment...sir. Sir.

Sean Connery: The day is mine! You have a lot to learn, kid! Now, lets enjoy our ice cream while we demolish that dirty little democrat's reputation!

Evil laughter ensues.

''I really didn't expect him to go into detail about our relationship''

Oh no? You didn't? Looks like someone sucked their way into that internship. You definitely didn't get there with your smarts. Or your good looks.

Americans have nothing to complain about anymore when we are generalized as bunch of "fat, stupid bloodsuckers." If this is why you bought the book, you give the rest of us a bad name. And by the rest of us I mean the ones who look past Clinton's "faults" and see what a (blank)* President he was.

''Instead, he talked about it as though I had laid it all out there for the taking. I was the buffet and he just couldn't resist the dessert,''

Funny. Sounds like someone I know. Could it be you? And since when have you been known to pass up free dessert? Or free fellatio at the Oval Office Grill and Bar?

''It has been so difficult because of so many of the lies that he has told about me and about what happened,''

Oh, I bet it has. But it's good to know that you have moved on from that whole belittling experience. Or have you? Doesn't sound like it to me. Purses couldn't possibly take up that much time. We all know that you are "much better than that."

GO HERE for a little chuckle. Parental Advisory.

 

* I didn't want to force feed you any of my opinions. **

** I didn't want to force feed you any more of my opinions.